AN loves to draw

AN was doodling and when up looked, I saw what she drew. Thought those characters looked rather cute.

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Made Peace

After struggling with each other, we make up. Since I had kids, I'm no longer a morning person like I used to be. I enjoyed waking up early so the day would be longer coz there were many things I looked forward to doing.

Now I look forward to nights, because only when the kids sleep, I can think properly and finally rest. Even though sleep is interrupted in the night, at least I get some sleep when the little boy sleeps.

And it's near bed time when AN and I make peace before tucking in. I remembered how I loved tucking her in, signed "I Love You", give her a hug and kiss before good night prayers and finally make our way to dreamland.

Now there's this extra thing to do: make peace.

I appreciate AN's forgiveness. She readily forgives me when I apologize for being rough, extremely angry and the things I say. And she hugs me tight, assuring me that she still loves me. She does add her piece when I apologize, reminding me that I cannot be so rough with her and used my words when I'm apologising back on me: "I'm just a little girl. Sometimes I forget. Don't be angry with me ok mum?"

I love her. I have to overcome the anger. The last thing I want to happen is to make her feel I do not love her or that my love is conditional. I have to overcome myself.

I can do all things through HIM who gives me strength. Love endures all things, hopes all things.

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I'm an angry mum

Anger is a good friend now. I get angry with AN refuses to obey, I get angry when she continues to do what we told her to NOT to, I get angry with certain things she does, I get angry when she's distracted during short 'study' sessions. I get angry, a lot. And I get angry with AN so many times a day.

She played so hard yesterday that she peed in her pants at Sentosa yesterday. She didn't want to go to the toilet even though Mercia suggested bringing her there. She was afraid Hannah would find them because they were playing hide and seek.

The girls were sweet and assured me that she didn't do it on purpose. But I was angry because, refusing to be brought to the toilet was a choice and her wetting herself was done on purpose!

I don't know why but her wetting herself made me feel like a total failure. And even though she didn't mean it, I felt like she did it to spite me, for some reasons.

The anger got so bad I felt...different. I felt like a different person. I feel consumed, by something. I could feel myself turning into someone scary but it's like something is taking control of me, my feelings, my words.

Lately, patience was thinner than ever.

I give an insrtuction or a warning, once. She disobeys, or strike a bargain. Me give another warning, not because I am waiting for her to obey (I wasn't ready for her to behave). On the contrary, the second time I repeat, I could feel myself boiling inside and waiting for her to disobey a second time. She does it. Me repeat a third time, this time very loudly. She panics but doesn't obey. I boil over.

Many times, I feel like striking her. I feel like spanking her till I feel good. This is how evil I have become. BUT at the very least, before I turn into a full fledge monster, I can still ignore her and walk away from her refusal to obey.

I don't know for how long more am I able to hold up and refuse to spank her unreasonably.

She went ahead to pee standing up just a while ago when I was showering her because she felt the pee coming and couldn't control her bladder again. 2nd time in 2 days.

This was an instant switch to the anger in me again.

I couldn't control my limbs. I was rough with her and she could feel it.

What is wrong with me?

I just did a search online and saw that it's nothing medically wrong with a 4 year old wetting her pants and it happens mostly because the child was too busy playing to want to go to the toilet.

What was I so angry about? If it was medical, then she shouldn't be blamed because she peed in her pants because she couldn't help it but if it was not medical, it was because she was distracted. Ok, maybe because I have friends with girls AN's age who are totally off diapers by now and it's shameful for AN as much as it is for me to see this still happening. Then, was I angry because AN embarrassed me?

Then I am a very selfish mother.

What was my intention? Why was I angry? Because she was disobedient? If my anger was brought about by her disobedience, it's justifiable (not my actions as a result of my anger. I will have to deal with that separately). If I was angry at her due to my own selfish reasons, it is NOT acceptable.

At this moment, I feel better. The anger is leaving. I feel it going away. I'm very sure my reaction towards her peeing in her pants both times was because of my own selfishness. For that, it's easier to let go.

As for my lack of self control when I get angry, please pray for me,

PLEASE PRAY FOR ME!

I can't control myself. I feel breathless whenever anger takes control and I get this throbbing thing in my head. I feel physical strength building up within me and I can not allow myself to touch my girl, else she ends up hurt in some ways. I'm trying very very very hard to not spank her when I feel this happening but she still gets hurt in some ways (I end up pushing her away...or seomthing),

Typing this scares me. What am I becoming? What is wrong with me???? I'm a danger to my kids!!! Please keep me in prayers..what is happening?

The headache is back again

Headache

Had been having headache the last few days on and off. Was better yesterday and went to meet the ministry but the headache came back halfway through. Supposed to meet the girls today. We'll see how. Mr Liow suggested bringing AN to play with her cousins so I can rest better if we do not go meet the girls...

I feel down lately. Little things get to me and all of a sudden, I'm like a cry baby, sobbing over things that I can easily get over on most days....

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Worms

I think either one of our smart equipment is down with a virus, like a worm or something.

Noticed lots of emails sent out from my yahoo account and they were not sent by me. It contains nothing except just ONE link to somewhere. Please do not open it up!! I don't know what that link will lead to.

So sorry. Let me go find out what that is.. There's anti virus on the computer but I wonder why it didn't catch this pest. 

ER's Milestone

Time to update on ER's progress.

He's 8 months old now. By this age, AN was able to push herself from lying position to sitting herself up and she was rocking on fours. But he's not AN.

He's progressing differently. He's pushing himself to get around. And he does that effectively. Whatever he sets his eyes on, he kicks himself forward or around and gets it. Like his elder sis, he has this thing for remote controllers.

He's not sitting himself up yet. But he's standing, and rather steadily. He kicks and moves towards the edge of the sofa, pushes himself up and then stands. He can remain in that position, leaning onto whatever is holding him and he starts ransacking whatever is behind the sofa.

In fact, I have seen him cruising these few days, holding onto the side of the sofa and shifting along.

As for his eating, he's still eating very little. There are times he takes more mouthfuls than others but it's EXTREMELY little food he's getting each day. He's still solely on milk and I'm glad there's nothing wrong with it. I'm just worried he'll not eat well, just like AN used to be. Saw Karen asking if 1 tbsp each of 2 vege and 1 cereal is ok for her 6 months Ash. I'm so envious, coz ER barely finishes 1 tbsp of cereals OR vege, or a combi of such food.

I've seen clips of babies eating and they open their mouth wide for food..ER doesn't :( I feel my nightmare starting all over again..

Everything seems to be challenging. From ER's feeding, to AN's stubbornness lately, to my own short temperedness...

I want to enjoy life. I know I can. I know this is what I want. I will survive this down period. This will pass. All bad things will come to an end.

One of Those Bad Days

Today's one of those days when AN just couldn't obey.

She pretended to be a bride wearing a gown with a long train and she used the blanket as the train, dragging it on the dusty floor.

Then she couldn't stop jumping on the sofa and around the house after dinner.

There were other incidences that followed, making the day worse as time passed.

Back home, she continued to do things her way and finally before she hit the pillow, she had to play while washing her hands and got water all over the basin.

"Please listen, Adrielle!" This is something I seemed to be telling her every hour or so for the past few days.

It feels worse today. Mr Liow noticed I looked tired. Guess I really was. I'm extremely right today. For all we know, I could be the one who had been misbehaving with my short temperedness today  and not AN who had been stubborn.

She's sleeping now but ER is still very fidgety. At this quiet moment (while ignoring the chatty baby), I finally have some time for myself to reflect on the struggle today. I could have been more patient. She had been stubborn today, but it was all harmless. She was playing pretend like she often does, made a little mess like little children make (moreover, water isn't hard to wipe dry), risked falling off the sofa or throwing up her dinner with all that jumping immediately after food etc.

I thought hard and realized non of her behavior that got to me were behavioral misconduct (tantrums, rudeness etc). She had been behaving. She only decided to not obey because she wanted to play. She's behaving like she is 4 years old, and she really is.

It took a while for me to rewind the day's events and notice AN trying to be good. She wanted to use markers to color on papers but markers leave marks on her hands. She used crayons instead, because she noticed my grumpy face after I told her no and she tried to reason with me why markers are ok. She wanted milo but settled for milk at my mum's place (she could hv kicked up a fuss because I didn't tell her she was getting milk when she expected milo, but she didn't kick up a fuss), politely went "yes mum" when I reminded her to listen to us and tried to obey whenever she remembered my reminder.

Really, some days are bad, not because AN is bad. I just lack self control on these bad days.

Hungry Adrielle

I think she's making up to herself by eating up all the food that she had not eaten for the over 2 years of fussy eating.

She has little milk in the morning, about 100mls, nothing for breakfast, small portion of lunch in school, good portion of lunch at my parents' place (coz mum worries she doesn't eat much in school), snacks after nap and before dinner (on coco krunch, honey stars, yogurt, fruits, biscuits etc), and good portion of dinner. She has nothing from 7-9pm and then tells me she feels VERY VERY hungry at home. For supper, she usually gets a slice of bread with butter and another 120mls of milo, sometimes 240mls.

Today, because I bought cutters for her to cut bread and cheese into interesting shapes, she had 3 slices of bread with butter (maybe less because I ate the remaining of the bread that couldn't be cut), a slice of cheese and 120mls of milo.

That is a scary amount of food...

We noticed her looking better (read: "meat-ier") and her guitar strings (ribs) are showing less now.

With her eating well finally, it no longer bothers me how little she eats at each meal (unless of course, she doesn't eat at all) because she will be eating when she's hungry.

Finally!

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Kids are Nuisance

There are people who can't stand children, especially babies.

One day, ER reaching his kpo (inquisitive) fingers to give an old lady a tap on her shoulders before I could stop him in time. The old lady was terribly annoyed, glared at him, then at me. She was seriously offended, swept her shoulders continuously and went "choy" (the older generation usually reacts that way when they hear or encounter 'inauspicious' stuff).

Was my boy that disgusting?

Just a while ago, while mum and I were having lunch, ER starting whining because he was sleepy. I was patting him to make him sleep and mum noted another old lady glaring at us. They were seated at the table beside us. We then heard her complain to the 2 ladies who were with her that it was "so noisy, while looking at us from the corner of her eyes. I kept stealing glances at her while rocking ER and she didn't stop staring at ER in disgust.

And ER was just whining, not crying.

She reminded me of that bugger who commented on a forum years ago, that parents with strollers should just stay home with their kids because the walkways are not made for strollers, and pregnant women shouldn't be taking public transport and hope to have a seat.

Compare that with the lady at the next table when we went to Boston and AN was displaying her terrible 2 in public She walked over to give me a pat on the shoulder, smiled and assured me: "This will pass. She will behave as she grows." And we (the adults) at the table felt really embarrassed by AN then. I thought the lady approached me because she wanted me to take AN away.

Consideration and forbearance is a lacking virtue and I wish I don't have to say that it appears to be lacking among Singaporeans. 2 years in Tucson and I was never made to feel that babies equal nuisance, even when AN was at her worst outside home. Then again, friends from Tucson also said people from fast paced cities can also be impatient and less forbearing.

To end off, an elderly gentleman got tapped on his shoulder by ER on another occasion and I wasn't fast enough to react. I bit my lips, ready to receive another look of disgust for allowing ER to touch around. I assumed ladies regardless of age would be more forgiving towards babies coz of the maternal instinct or some female hormones that draws women to the young. If that elderly lady was soo offended, what more this elderly gentleman?

To my surprise, he gave a very wide smile to the little boy and took the hand that ER was waving near him! And he started teasing ER.Aww... We chatted for a while and he had to alight. Before he did, he commented that girls are better because "boys leave you when they are older."

Different walks of life, different views, different situation everyone goes through.

Parent-Teacher Meeting

Had my first parent teacher meeting this morning at Shekinah.

The session was well organized with 5 mins allocated at each 'station' with the teacher in charge of each subject 'based' there.

First up was Miss Sue who's in charge of Project Approach. The kids had learnt about themselves (parts of their body, skeletal structure etc) last term, and animals this one (categories of animals: mammals, amphibians, reptiles etc, animals as pets and so on). With these themes, they learnt by watching short programs, making craft work, coloring, doing matching exercises etc. Miss Sue said AN loves craft work and is one of the few students who can do her own cutting. AN started random cutting after her 2nd b'day. She had ample practice! Miss Sue also said AN is one of her favorite and is very much like her own daughter at this age.

Next up was 杨老师 (chinese teacher, Miss Yang) who teaches Chinese. She too has good reviews on AN, saying that she's very participative in class, outspoken and willing to learn. She's so eager that Miss Yang has started teaching her to write 手 (hand) because AN started practicing it on her own exercise book by herself. This word belongs to part of her syllabus for next term and she asked if we had been teaching her at home. I'm ashamed to say that I had been really caught up with ER and not been spending enough time coaching AN. But she's cultivated her own routine of sitting down for some writing exercises after she gets home from school and had lunch at my parents' place. She learnt to write her chinese characters all by herself and surprises mum and I each time she shows her work to us after she finished writing.

At the last 'stop', I met Miss Ivy, AN's form teacher who teaches them Maths and English. Like AN's other teachers, Miss Ivy had sweet things to say of AN too. According to her, AN is very keen to learn and learns fast too. She takes a lesson or 2 to teach AN numbers with number rod (some Montessori teaching tool) and AN mastered it in a session. She's now teaching AN Spindles. Was told AN speaks well (huh???? I am quite frustrated that AN had been speaking really broken English since we came back....)..but she probably meant AN is verbally expressive (regardless of the quality of her language skill). And that AN is strong in both Maths and her English. She asked if AN had been attending enrichment classes before we returned. Yes, if Gymboree is enriching enough (it sure is! AN loved all the fun activities so much and I missed watching her go through them each time we went...)

It is encouraging to hear that AN enjoys learning and learns well, is very likeable in class by all her teachers and peers alike etc...but I thought it would be nice to hear something else about AN. Not that I hope to hear that my daughter hadn't been behaving, but AN is not perfect. I wanted to know if her teachers have the same problems with her in school like I have when I teach her. It does get on my nerves when she's easily distracted, and stubborn (insisting that I teach her something else, or that I'm not teaching her correctly...-____-"').

Miss Ivy agreed that AN does day dream. She gets distracted by her friends sometimes or stares into space. The good thing is, she's able to snap AN back and when AN finds her way out of her dream, she's still able to continue from where she left off and needs not go back to the starting point and redo her activity.

Ok, at least in this aspect, AN is not too different in school (that she day dreams).

But Miss Ivy insisted that AN is not stubborn in class at all. She mentioned that many children are different in school because of the environment. So, AN being stubborn at home may not necessary mean she will be in school. 

Good to know, because if she's stubborn in school, that will make it hard for teachers to teach her..and for her to learn.

At the end of the 15 mins, I was very assured that AN had been learning well and that she's not a slow learner like I'd been worried about. In fact, from all 3 teachers' feedback, I wondered if I should be tapping more on her eagerness to learn before it dwindles off in the next few years. Was considering enrichment classes because of this, BUT BUT BUT...with enrichment classes, will she feel overwhelmed and have her enthusiasm killed prematuredly??

I think, we'll just stick to music, and probably something dance-related (she had been asking when she'll be going for dance lessons. hehe).

For now, I'm thankful that she's enjoying school, enjoying lessons and enjoying all the academic exposure she's receiving and is even seeking out more on her own. 

Below are some of her work from her lessons for the past 5 months. 

Yes, she's behind that chicken mask.

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2 Minutes with ER

The big sister has fallen asleep but this whiny baby is still keen to communicate a little more before knocking out.

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License to Drive

Just so that non-Singaporean friends get a rough idea how it works, here in Singapore, getting a Driver's License is not easy at all. One has to pass the Basic Theory test before one gets a provisional license to learn to drive and while learning to drive, pass the Advanced Theory test before one is allowed to sit for the practical test.

And I believe most Singaporean know how hard it can be to pass the practical exam! I don't know how it works in other States in USA but I had to go for only 2 sessions of 3 hours drive each, get assessed on my 2nd session, and I passed. I think a student here has to have a minimum of 20 hours of practical lessons before being allowed to be tested.

Mum refused to keep track of how many times she failed her practical tests but I had been. Firstly, for a 59 year old lady to have the motivation to learn to drive, I think that alone is commendable enough. Moreover, I've heard of many youngsters who passed after many tries too. I will have a hard time getting my license to drive if I am to try getting it here...

This is her 6th attempt and SHE PASSED!

I'm so excited for her! She had been increasingly discouraged and embarrassed that it's taken her so long. I had to remind her that it's not how many tries she had to attempt, because it's not easy to pass.

And I think she did well this time. She scored 12 points (the lower the better. Hit 20 and she will fail. There are certain mistakes that award an immediate failure.)

Yeah!

The next struggle will be, both drivers in the family will need courage to allow her to take their wheels.

Hehe.

I Killed a Cockroach

I was in the kitchen preparing supper  for Mr Liow when I felt something run across my left foot. I highly suspected it was a cockroach, freaked out and ran back to Mr Liow for help. If B or M was around, this would never have happened. Neither of them will allow any crawling creature to thread the same ground as them, let alone run across my foot...

Mr Liow combed the kitchen on my request but found nothing. I made him noodles while he waited with me in the kitchen, just in case the cockroach came back...I'm always the one who spots these pests. It was me at my parents' before marriage  and still me at our own place after we got married.

I'm the target of these bullies. Mr Liow joked that they want to make contact with me. I think they are planning an abduction.

I couldn't sleep. From midnight since my encounter with IT till 2.45am, I was wide awake. I have feared for as long as I'm living, these more than supernatural, paranormal, spiritual beings.... *shivers*

So that I can function tomorrow, I decided to visit the toilet a last time before tucking in.

Something tells me I would meet a cockroach, whether or not it would the same one in the kitchen. My intuition had never been more accurate: I saw IT on the wall beside the opened door and if it escaped, my kids sleeping just 2 steps away would be at risk, of having IT crawl onto any of them!

For the sake of my children, I shut myself in the restroom with the cockroach for a fair battle. Obviously, I won. I used a new roll of toilet paper and with all my strength, plopped it on the cockroach, 4 times.

This cockroach was so hardy. I expected it to die the first time, with the power and courage I never knew I had to run after it. Even after the 4th time I hit it , its legs were still moving. I had to swallow my saliva to prevent myself from screaming as I picked it up with thick pieces of toilet paper before flushing it down the toilet bowl.

To be honest, if this cockroach was the one from the kitchen, it did deserve some respect, coz distance from my kitchen to the restroom in my masterbed room measures from Fernvale to Compasspoint with a right turn...in human measurements.

The hair on my arms and legs are still standing as I'm making this post.

It's one cockroach down. Where did all these cockroaches come from?? How many of them are still around??

For the sake of my children, I'll have to be brave. I will be brave.

Thank God these are not lizards...

I've a feeling I'll have nightmares after I end off. Time to sleep, finally...

Memories

My mum bought dozens of towels for AN when she was born. This picture us on one of them.

One part of an internal memory just surfaced again.

There were 3 but we have 2 left.

Round Two, FIGHT!

I think it's in their genes. Both AN and ER are to start off disliking food.

AN was not that hard to feed till she was abt 16months or so.

ER is already not enjoying food at almost 8 months. Guess I've yet to find him a 'favorite' yet.

Doesn't help when someone goes "so and so's daughter loves to eat and eats a lot."

Makes me wonder why both of mine do not love to eat. Please don't tell me they don't like my cooking. It's pureed veg or fruits and cereals, sometimes mushy pieces or creamy textures.

Soon, that same someone will insensitively tell me like she used to when AN was fussy: "I dint think she likes your cooking."

It's going to start all over again.

If he takes after AN, he'll start eating at 3 and half years. That's almost 3 more years to go.

Who said boys are easier to feed? Why not mine??

So Talkative

AN always has a thousand and one things to tell me before she knocks out and with the completion of every sentence that she makes, I'll punctuate it with a reminder: "Sleep".

She gets the idea, but is challenged to stop talking. Now she punctuates her own comments before bedtime:

AN: "Mummy, tomorrow no school, daddy doesn't need to work, can you play with me? (......goes on and on and on about why she needs me to play with her...), ok mummy? SLEEP."

Me: ??

5mins later.....

AN: "Mummy, do you know in school today (describes her day at school). Ok, SLEEP."

Me: ??

More minutes later.....

AN: "Mummy, I can't have mem mem because I'm 4 years old now but I can when I'm sick. When I'm 5, I can't, even if I'm sick. Ok, SLEEP."

Me: -____-"'

More more minutes later.....

AN: "Mummy, I need to pee......."

Me: ...... Sigh.....

On a Ride to Wonderland

Nothing cheers her up quite a much as kiddy rides do.

Sometimes she fusses for a second round but her insistence is manageable. On occasions when she DOES get a second round (mostly as a reward for good behavior but never as a result of a tantrum for more rides), she'll 'automatically' leave the ride once it's over.

We don't lack bad days, that's for sure. But we do get more good behavior in exchange for bad ones. Thank God for her increasingly improving behavior and her attempts to obey.

One Week Later

Saturday (14 May)

Its not about Baileys and Maen today, but an update on the human kids:

AN was feverish towards the end of the day after bible study. She was 37.6°C. She had waited a long time to play with the kids and kept asking to meet them since last weekend but we couldn't, because the older kids were revising for their exams.

Finally after bible study, the group decided to have dinner at the airport. But AN felt warm. And we then realized she was running a low grade fever. So, we stayed home instead.

-______-"

Since I asked for 2 weeks of good health, it was a bonus she got 3 weeks instead.

Her sty is almost completely cleared up by now but she had been having slightly runny nose and a bit of cough here and there.

ER is also coughing on and off and there's some mucus in his nose.

Both do not appear to be in any discomfort though and I'm highly suspecting they are allergic to the bad smoky air from the nearby Sumatra forestfires...

Sunday (15th May)

AN went for a trial session of the Yamaha Junior Music Course. We thought of exposing her to music on a deeper level and she excitedly looked forward to it since we signed her up 2weeks ago for the trial.

It is very different from how I used to be taught Electone (organ) but then again, I started late at 7 years old and jumped right into graded lessons. This course AN was trying out is a junior course where they learn by listening for a start.

I think that's way better to introduce music appreciation, by listening first. I learnt to recognize notes and leant to play first. My listening was one of the weakest, barely scraping through during the exams.

She enjoyed the 45 mins trial and so we signed her up. Should she decide not to pursue it at any point, we'll take her out (edited: Mr Liow thinks otherwise. He will try to encourage her to push on.) It will not take her till 2 years later to choose if she wants to take up piano or electone anyway. For now, it's purely fun and foundation building.

Lessons will start 3rd July.

And after the music trial, she walked out of the studio asking: "Are we going for my dance lessons now?"

That's a reminder for us to book a trial session of dance (something VERY foreign to us. Ballet, hiphop, tap?). We've checked out the dance studio (which teaches all 3 so we have more choices) at Suntec and Crestar (only ballet).

Crestar is steps from Yamaha so we can find her lessons on the same day. We do not have to rush her everywhere.

Sounds like so much for a 4 year old....hope she enjoys these activities, else we won't push her to carry on.

Now weekend should be less aimless.

Baileys and Maen: No new photos

After 2 weeks, my phone is finally back.

It's not really MY phone. They gave me a brand new one to replace my old one, citing a shortage of replacement parts when I asked why my phone was being replaced.

Usually when I get a new phone with camera, or anything with camera, I'll do a test shot on the furkids. It's a ritual, something out of habit since 6 years ago, with my 1st VGA camera phone.

This time, no furkids to shoot. 2 weeks ago before the old phone got sent in for repairs, they were still around.

Serene will be out of town from 15th to 20th May, which is just a few days from now. Was thinking of visiting Baileys and Maen this Sunday but it's ok. We shall drop by next weekend.

It's probably better that we do not visit them this soon anyway. Like Mark told us the first time we left them with him during my 1st confinement: "Dont let them think you are coming back for them and then leave." when we wanted to go visit them on days I got to leave the house for doctor visits.

It's different this time. Same words. But different scenario.

Was hungry a while ago and got up for a cup of Milo. I heard the pitter patter of footsteps as I prepared my drink. The 2 forever-hungry K9s have yet to refuse themselves a trip into the kitchen with me, regardless of how late in the night  or early in the morning it is (was). For all they know, I could be sleep-walking and preparing food for them without realizing it.

I was hallucinating.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

It wasn't them.

Baileys and Maen: Then

I will try to remember to indicate in the titles should I be posting about Baileys and Maen. It's getting depressing and unhealthy for friends who have kids and dogs at the same time to read at this point. Please do remember that dogs and children CAN live together. AN never fell sick because of them with this happening....


...and even ER has yet to be sick coz of them (with his elder sis, at some point, pacifying him with her unwashed fingers, even if she had just touched the furkids).

At Pinetop, 2010


End of trip to Pinetop. Baileys feeling SNOW for the first time....I missed holding him close


Them with the little AN when we just arrived at States.

IT'S.ALL.MY.FAULT

Baileys and Maen: AN has a Sty

It's what the old folks term "Bak Jiam" in hokkien, a tiny bump with whitish pus-like thingy at the tip. Nothing a warm compress will not help clear in a week or so.

Come to think of it, she had been healthy when she was the only child and before she started school. Only common childhood ailments once in a while but no terrible allergies to pollens, fur or dander. Diarrhea hardly happened then, even with 2 K9s in the house.

I think we are allergic now, to the absence of Baileys and Maen. I had been having blocked nose since 2 days ago, worse in the morning but better as the day goes. ER is coughing, AN is sniffing, Mr Liow is having diarrhea today..and AN's first encounter with Sty.

The air is too clean for our good. The absence of doggy odour may retard recovery...

P.s.: I did not sms Serene today. We can probably drop by on Sat morning before bible study. Forgot to pass to her on Saturday, BM's Missing Link that was in the fridge.

Wonder if they are sleeping yet. They should be...by now :)

Baileys and Maen: Keeping Them Alive

I don't want them out of sight and soon, out of mind. I'm glad Mr Liow decided to keep their bed. Before sleeping last night, I went near and saw scratches on it: Maen's doing. She loves to scratch her bed well before it's good enough for her to lie on. I saw Bailys looking at me. He was looking at me and wagging. I heard the 'thud thud thud' sound of his tail hitting their bed.

This morning while helping AN at the toilet, I saw a cOckroach scampering along the wall. That was Baileys and Maen's territory...To the scampering cockroach: you would have been swimming in Baileys' stomach in pieces if you came 3 days ago. Typical case of mice coming out to play when the cats are away. In our case, these insects seem happy that our patrol unit is no longer in service... but it's ok. I can now bring out all those poison without having to worry about poisoning my babies.... Try appearing again if u dare..

I missed telling BM to go to sleep. Mr Liow too. He did the usual "Sleep" command on Sunday night to no one in particular before he came into the room with us. That is was a routine for the furkids to recognize that it is was bedtime and no more playing.

The whole drawer full of their grooming tools is still full. I wanted to clear it out last night after the humans slept but....I'll leave it to some other day. There's their nail clipper which had been with us from the day Baileys came. M NOT going to dump this...in case they come back.

Their slicker brushes (of different sizes and types and even a new one which I've not even opened up) were lying side by side...ear wash, tearstain remover, Wahl fur shaver, the scissors I used to trim their growing fur...

I miss them.

Baileys, Maen, mummy misses you. Can you feel it? We should have many more good years ahead. There are so many things we bought for you that are still unopened. Besides the Plush Puppy that we packed and brought to Auntie Serene, you still have a gallon each of your EPO Isle of Dogs... Guess these new stuff will be used on you when you get to your new home.

We never thought these new tools will signify new beginnings for you...I'm keeping the old ones in case you come back.

Daddy misses you, Baileys. He is still not able to speak about you without tears welling up along his waterline yet.

For once, I can't bear to wipe away the saliva stains on our mirrors, glass and windows that both of you left when you looked out.

It's been only 4 days but felt like you've left us for a long time. I'm seriously not used to the house being neat like it is now.. I'm still leaving things up on the dining table, out of your reach, I'm still tip toeing when I go to the toilet to avoid stepping on your pee stains, I'm still turning to see if you peed or pooped, still going into the kitchen to see if your water bowls are empty. I see both of you on your bed.

I will never forget your eyes, both of yours. How can I ever forget you, at all?? I don't ever want to.

I will call out your names still. I will continue to see images of you on your bed, in the kitchen drinking water, walking with me everywhere I go.

I miss you both so much....

Baileys: "Knock Knock"

Was blogging on the MAC in the study room and I can't help looking out (for those who havent been to our place, our study room has glass walls so we can look out).

Baileys never fails failed to knock on the glass walls whenever we're inside and they are outside. He wants wanted in but knows knew that is was not possible. Today, no knocking.

This is the first weekday morning without them. I could have gone back to sleep after the early risers leave the house but I couldn't. In the past, I wished B would stop disturbing my already limited sleep. Now, their absence spoils my rest.

I'm leaving the house to meet my mum for lunch after this post. Baileys and Maen should be at the store now, or soon. They will not be alone at home till night while I'm away today. This is one thought that I find comforting.

Time to go now.

Baileys and Maen: Erasing the Home

Was doing some light wiping around the house after I had to wipe away ants on the coffee table (all thanks to MIL who loves coffee but never remembers to wipe). There had been Maen's pawprints on the table which I told Mr Liow I'd wipe away with Detol (coz she jumps...jumped onto our table with pee-soaked paws) but I hadn't really made myself do it, till now... I had just erased part of Maen away...

While I was at it, I wiped dust off other surfaces...and along with dust, there were more fur. Housekeeping is harder this time because with each swipe, I'm taking away more and more of them...

All is not lost, yet. There are still fur in the corners of the kitchen. Will leave them there.

I see the door stopper that B never fails failed to pick up in his mouth as he parades paraded before us each time we return from outside. All it did today was lie lifessly on the floor.

I saw a Daddy Long Legs (spider) crawling safely across the hall. How lucky... Our pest control team had just been laid off yesterday.

I saw a piece of torn newspaper they stole from under the coffee table and shredded some days ago. The whole mess had been cleared that day. This stray piece which flew out from under the table reminded me of them.

Just done bugging Serene for updates on them again:
B lies by the glass and keeps staring out today. Looking outside has always been his habit but today, he's looking out without us by his side...

M appears to be adjusting well. She's enjoying herself snuggling with Serene's dad. This little charmer...

Serene's uncle will be going to have a look at them. The whole family loves dogs. Knowing that M now has laps to sit on (and B too when he's ready to sit on someone else's lap in time to come), attention from so many people and doggy customers, a home to go back to after Serene closes shop,we are more assured. They are in good hands.

She invited us to visit them whenever we are free. We will aim to do just that when time allows. Am so grateful to her and family for standing in the gap and giving them love, time and attention.

Baileys and Maen: Getting By

I pass by the toilet on my way in and out of our room tens of times whenever we are home since separated from the furkids, and instinctively, I will turn to look into the toilet to check if I need to clear the papers.

There were no papers in the toilet. The toilet looks like a toilet of a 'normal' household and holds no previous scents of the furkids. You won't know the toilet used to be theirs. For the first time in 6 years (minus the 2 confinement months and 2 years in Tucson), Mr Liow had his shower in the toilet which also happens to be our common shower room. He asked if I wanted to shower there. I couldn't...not yet.

I went into the kitchen this morning. No hungry K9s excitedly chasing me. No food and water bowls. No kibble container. No doggie scent from a night of closed windows.

No Baileys and Maen.

Brought the kids swimming (effectively, only AN went into the water with Mr Liow). Got home and while opening the door and expecting happy furkids greeting us with wagging tails, there happen to be none. Floor was clean, don't have to mop wince yesterday.

But no Baileys. And no Maen.

I want to smell them but apparently, this house has forgotten them faster than we humans have. We smell no dog odor, smell no dried poop left on papers, and smell no Baileys, no Maen. I can't sniff into anywhere to have them as close to me as possible.

It was to my surprise when I spoke of them and Mr Liow started sobbing on our way to Pet Instinct in the afternoon yesterday. And he was teary-eyed whole of yesterday. No one said a word about the furkids so that we do not cause anyone to burst into tears.

The Singapore Election broadcast happens to be a perfect way to take our mind off the emptiness for that few hours.

Helped AN with her craftwork using tiny beads this morning. We did the craftwork on the floor and left the tools on the floor for the few hours that we left home for the swim. Nothing was eaten up.

We didn't need to throw plastic chairs on the sofa before we left home and remove them after reaching. There were many things we had to get used to NOT doing.

And we had to get used to no Baileys and Maen.

Baileys and Maen: Empty Nest

Day 1

Today upon reaching home after Zhonghao's baby girl's month old baby shower, we got home to no pee stains, no fur, no mess...

BUT

No Baileys, no Maen.

My heart is going through contraction-like pains. It comes and goes, each time increasingly frequent and intense. Other than my two confinements, we had never had them out of this house. For as long as we lived here, Baileys had been around. But this time, we wont expect them back.

BM has an English lady who loves them but they may not be able to take both and she prefers Maen out of the 2. Serene suggested that if this family should have problems bringing either, or both back to England in 5 years, if they have to leave then, we can always choose to bring them back. By then ER will be 5 yrs old. We're looking at that to work out.

Someone mentioned I should have planned 5 years ahead when I got them. I didn't. This time I dare not promise. I just do not want them to be homeless again.

Serene brought the furkids home with her. She said if no one comes for B, she will take him to be hers. I'm so grateful for that! Having companions will not lessen his longing to return to us but at the very least, he will not be left alone to wander all by himself.

Just smsed her asking them how they are doing. She said M is the adventurous one. B follows her around. It's usually the other way round. B must be feeling lost. It hurts seeing B feeling lost. I can see him feeling lost....

Serene realised she couldn't hide and revealed that B waited at the door after she groomed them while M went to play with the dogs.

B is as he always had been. Baileys... my boy... He will never leave our side if given a choice...

Baileys and Maen: Last Day

I have not been staying home with them for the last few days despite these being the last few moments we have together. I don't want them to get used to thinking that I'm now able to stay home more and then suddenly, they are in a different place. Will this be better for them? I don't know anymore.

Am drafting a "Get to know Baileys and Maen" list to their new owner and I think I'm almost done.

I can't wish for the new owner to do with them what we always have been doing but at least they will know (to a certain extent) how Baileys and Maen had lived for the past 6 years. If possible, continue with how things used to be so changes will be less.

But beggars can't be choosers. I'm begging for them to continue to live as happily as they used to. If the new owners wants to do something else, so be it. As long as they do not get punished for every little thing or worse, receive physical punishment at all.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Baileys, if you can bring me back to the day we first met, I promise you I will turn away from you. I will not look into your eyes and allow you to charm me. I will not allow papa to reach into the playpen so that you can jump onto his hands and melt his heart. You have been the first, one and only dog to have captured his heart. Not even Maen, the little charmer, has ever made papa love her like he loves you.

I hope the past 6 years had been good. I hope you have enjoyed being loved by us because we enjoyed every single moment of your love, before things got overwhelming and it's no fault of yours to begin with.

Maen, I thought I saved you from the clutches of those evil people at the pet shop. When you came, you learnt to be a brave girl and now you finally are. Your love for me is so packed to the brim of your scalp that I can even see some flowing out from every pore of your body.. I have let you down. You will no longer get to stare at me for as long as you want. You will see beautiful people where you will be next. You will be the shadow of another human being who deserve it more than I do.

Adrielle had been sobbing on and off knowing that she will no longer be irritated by both of you. You probably felt it in how she had been trying to be as gentle and forgiving to you lately. I have not only hurt both of you, I have also hurt AN. Grandma says separation is inevitable. Even if AN doesn't part with you now, when any of you pass on and when she's older, it's going to be evne harder for her to accept it. Grandma is just trying to console me but it's hardly working. I only know I have created 3 sad beings out of 3 happy ones.

Babies, please be happy. Please do not give up loving life and pursuing the heart of the human in your new family.

Please forgive me.

Baileys and Maen: I Won't Grow UP

I now understand better why Peter Pan doesn't want to grow up. Things change, people change, everything changes. The old goes, the new comes. If only things stay the same forever...

Have just finished reading part of BM's blog, remembering clearly how it used to be like, how they were what AN and ER are to me now. Every picture feels recent and I can recall very clearly how it was like then. Life was carefree...we were young. Is this what we aimed for when we first started out?

After this Friday, life will be very different. I've had you both for almost as long as I am married to papa. Will I take as long to get used to your absence? I heard you will never get used to it. It hurts, babies. It really does, remembering that all I gave you both at end is nothing but disappointment.

If only I can turn back time... But what would I have done? I'm sorry Baileys. I'm sorry Maen. Let us meet again and I will still love both of you as much. I know, you won't believe me anymore. I am sorry, my babies...