Fear

AN had been fearful of the dark after MIL suggested last year, that I should leave a light on at night. For the next few months after her comment, AN was fearful. She didn't know what of, but she was scared.

Months later, my girl declared she wasn't afraid anymore. In fact, she sheepishly admitted that torch application from my phone was keeping her awake. She confidently told me she didn't need lights anymore.

But, recently at Taiwan, we (adults) started joking and telling horror stories. Complete with youtube clips of sightings. We did try not to be too loud, in case we scare the young and old (kids and my mum).

AN was silently tuning in and participating, without us realising,  till she behaved fearful and clung to me at night and confessed she was "scared of the mirror because she saw what we watched."

I had been negligent.

So, since then, she had been clingy, especially at night. She practically sticks to my back (as I face ER to nurse him).

Even a harmless documentary about a lady without hands (lady got struck by lightning and lost her hands), terrified her so badly that she turned pale and looked away.

The clip was not in the least bit frightening. We were talking about lightning and I showed her effects of lighting online, including what MAY happen to human when struck. She wasn't afraid of the effects. She was afraid of that lady with no hands.

Sigh...

Apparently, she has no idea why she was so afraid.

Last night, I prayed for her. I reminded her about our great big God who His people, about the story of Moses, of Jericho Wall. That same God will help her control her,unknown fear.

After praying, before she fell asleep, she asked to be prayed for one last time.

Our adorable ER was soooooo cute (pardon my obsession over him). He said: "Hold hands and pray."

Then he took my hands, and forced his eyes shut in concentration.

AN felt more relieved and fell asleep soon after (while praying).

ER uttered "Amen!" victoriously. So cute la.

Read that there are other 6 years olds facing the same unknown fears as AN.

We'll walk through this together.

It's rather paralyzing to be afraid of something that one cannot really tell what. More so for a 6 years old.

ER makes it worse by talking about imaginary monsters and pretending to run away from them. Makes his sister run away, for real.

Sigh..

I'm Fat

MIL asked if I'm pregnant.

I'm not.

She then joked that I look like I am.

Not funny. Not when it's her joke.

At SIL's place, she would constantly demean SIL and sneer at SIL saying she's fat and looks pregnant; "很难看."

Seems like she's shifting all her  habits over here. Soon, she'll very insensitively laugh that I'm getting fat and all, and then maybe tell me that I'm becoming increasingly ugly.

Yes, she's that insensitive.

And she does sit ups at home. Every now and then, she will tell me to work my abs like she's always been doing.

She wants me to idolise her?

I rather grow fat.

Leaving in Other's Hands

I need to revise.

The RES exam dates are set on 18 and 19 May. And I'm less than halfway through my notes.

The other half that I'm done with, I am not totally confident. The best I can do for now, is to remember figures that are most recent and pray hard they don't try to trick us with older data (but they are known to do that. "Just so that most of you will fail. They aim to fail half the number of exam candidates.", warned our trainer.)

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So I'm on my way to the library now.

I should have left the home at 10am but my darling woke up before I left.

He's my tether. I am emotionally bounded to him. The moment he knocked on the restroom door earlier, I knew leaving at 10am would be impossible.

True enough, I spent the next hour playing with him, watching him pretend to fly an aircraft, playing drum on his butt (his request) to the beat of "When the Saints Go Marching In", and participated in his other random activities. He leads me.

I told him I'd be going out to study but he insisted I'm picking AN up. Just as well. He wasn't resistant and said "ok. Bye mummy!" with a cheery smile.

Before I left, I switched on his TV program.

MIL who offered to care for him, was again, on the phone.

I couldn't bear to leave him staring at the TV for hours without interaction (I will be out for more than a couple of hours today), so I brought out papers, writing and colouring tools.

He excitedly started doodling. i got him random household stuff (round container covers, rectangle lock and lock covers etc) and he started tracing.

As I attempted to leave the house a second time, MIL while still chatting, instructed him: "Ethan, watch TV."

So.convenient.

ER innocently told her: "Nai nai, I drawing circle."

She wasn't listening.

I spent the next 20mins doodling with ER, till she finished gossiping.

When she saw ER not watching his cartoon, she commented: "You are not watching. I switch to my program."

sigh.....argh!

At least for the time being, she won't be distracted. So, I said my final goodbye and left.

I'm very, super duper, extremely sure that I'm leaving ER in Childcare, full day if I have to, when I start working.

Some attention better than none right? At least there's intelligent interaction in school instead of TV, sleep and eat.

Innocence at 31 months

My little happy pill was sleeping when I went to the restroom.

Shortly after, I heard sounds coming from outside the restroom. And then someone knocked lightly on the toilet door. I opened the door, still seated (the door is within reach) and not done with my business.

My little boy stood outside, smiling at me dreamily at the door. He had just woken up and he sure has his way of detecting my presence even when he's only half awake.

This boy really brightens up my life. How I wish he'll never grow up... I watch videos of AN at this age and I wish too, that we could go back to the past.

Child-like innocence is truly precious...

Innocence at 6 years

AN told me about a super adorable baby in her school who is "so small and cannot talk yet but can walk" and is "5 months old".

I pointed out that 5 months olds do not walk. We had a discussion that turned a little heated with her insisting "Miss Ivy said Anna is 5 months old. I'm not lying!"

I told her I'm sure she wasn't lying, but that she probably heard wrongly. Maybe Anna is 9 months (sounds like 5?)

I firmly insisted that she check with her teacher again because she can ask anyone in the world and get the same answer, that 5 months olds do not walk.

She continued insisting that Anna has to be 5 months because she's very small and cannot talk.

Sigh...

I told her what I didn't wish to tell her: "Adrielle, Mummy knows because I have children and I have known children. Please listen... I know this better than you do."

"I know better" is something I try to be careful not to use as much as I can. Because I do not "know better" everytime.

Then last night, while we were discussing about something else, she accepted my reasoning readily (very unlike her. She is ready for a debate anytime)

I asked her if she thought otherwise and she replied "No. Mummy you are right. I think you are right because you are older and know more. I must listen if not I'll grow up not knowing anything."

That was what I feared when I lost my control earlier and told her "mummy knows better".

I reminded her that mummy doesn't know better everytime, that she has the rights to view things her way. I had to explain that the earlier topic about Anna was different because we were talking about facts, not views.

She then calmly took me by the hand and whispered "Mummy, let's not talk about Anna anymore. It's over. I don't want to fight with you about it again."

Hehe.

Don't know if I should laugh or cry.

Before we ended the night, I reminded her that I enjoy hearing her views on things. And that mummy is NOT always right.

Bad Taste of Unique

Remember this?

http://www.littleflowertwointow.blogspot.sg/2013/02/she-has-something-on-today.html

And the events before and after the above post during my grand father's wake.

She behaved apparently distant then, like it had totally nothing to do with her, which was true. Because she has selective sense of empathy.

Today, she reminded Mr Liow that he is expected to go with her to pay respect to his paternal grandpa tomorrow.

Timing clashes with AN's music lesson, and Mr Liow pointed it out.

In her usual "I'm-your-mother-I make-the-call" tone of voice, she replied: "Her lessons happen every week. Paying respect to your grandfather happens once a year."

Firstly, AN's music assessment is approaching (1st week of June). We are 5 lessons to it. And she's not graded on just being able to play.

She has 3 exam pieces to perform, 1 lyrics singing, she will be graded on hearing, on recognizing chord patterns, on sight reading.

And she has new songs to master that stretches across weeks in a row before teacher thinks they are good enough to move on.

Every week, teacher adds more to each song (besides being able to play without audible mistakes, they must be able to play the dynamics and expressions: loud, soft, staccato, legato, slow, fast...etc.)

She thinks it's 1-2-3. So simple, why attend classes? I can teach her myself if it's so simple.

To her, probably because she needs a lift to Bedok early in the morning (and not having to pay surcharge on cab fare), paying respect becomes utmost importance! We're not missing much on "just one lesson".

Call me childish, disrespectful or whatever, I'm resistant to going BECAUSE SHE AS AN ELDER, FAILED TO SHOW RESPECT TO MY GRANDFATHER WHEN WE LOST HIM.

Paying respect is a yearly affair but the period of my grand father's wake was the last time we'll ever get to spend with him. Not yearly but LAST!

To her, his wake was as daily as buying newspaper for her ( http://www.littleflowertwointow.blogspot.sg/2013/02/sunday-special-encounter.html ), and her cup of coffee every morning (http://www.littleflowertwointow.blogspot.sg/2013/02/blog-post.html)

She thinks nothing of my grandfather. Why must I then show respect when she expects it?

I'm not a cold hearted person. Mr Liow knows I will skip the lesson under other circumstances but because it's her expectation of us, I'm not going.

Simple.

Because she really is NOT queen!

Because I can't make myself do anything just to satisfy her.

She just an uninvited guest who's turning me into a bitter monster.

School

Since beginning of this year, AN has been given weekly 听写 and this quarter, she has to learn her spelling.

She has formally informed me that she doesn't like chinese. It's no surprise to me (I didn't like to do Chinese too). But for the sake of school and her future, she has to learn as much of it as possible.

Compared to most mums, I'm actually not giving her too much work. It's mostly only what school expects, and what music expects.

I thought she's stronger in English. She didn't have to learn her English spelling much and could spell simply using phonics, with the occasional 'k/ph instead of c/f', '2 l instead of 1' etc.

Her spelling tests came back with stars.

Then complacency sets in: her, and me. I only needed to know she can spell and I won't make her practise writing those words repeatedly (unlike chinese).

This time, she made a mistake: a missing "d" in the word "behind".

Because she didn't hear Ms Ivy pronounce "behin-D-".

-____-"

So, it's advisable to practice writing repeatedly. Because most Singaporeans do not pronounce our "D", "T", "P" and "TH" becomes "F".

I make it a point to remind her to speak clearly because she can spell IF she can pronounce those words. Otherwise "behind" becomes "behin".

Chinese, on the other hand, requires considerable practice. It's really not easy. She's writing words that according to my cousin's son "some of these words I learnt last year in Primary 4!" (when he saw her practising during my grand father's wake).

What??

But practise makes perfect. That's what I hope.

She's been rewarded with perfect scores for her 听写 up till now. *phew* but her adverse emotions towards Chinese started after this.

Goodbye to interest on learning. Pressure really kills interests.

For now, she still obediently practises when she's required to. I hope this goes on.

She still enjoys doing her enrichment books.

Let's see when school is going to kill that enjoyment.

Sigh...

Still, it's all about money

She bought AN a gift for birthday and insisted AN open it up. AN chose to keep it till her party day to open but the grandma encouraged her a second time, to open it. AN was sure she wanted to wait. It's her birthday, her choice!

Grandma then targeted me: "I bought her a dress and IT'S VERY EXPENSIVE. Must make sure she opens it."

What's new right? Everything has a price tag in her eyes.

Today, she showed me a tiny pack of walnuts in the fridge she bought from Turkey.

It's been lying in the fridge for a week.

She declared that she doesn't eat walnuts and asked me to finish them.

I am not interested.

She then told me to bring to my parents. I told her my parents don't take walnuts. She appeared a little pissed and exclaimed: "This pack is US$10. VERY EXPENSIVE! Maybe they will eat if you bring to them? How about your brother?"

I couldn't stop myself from replying (these days I just keep quiet unless I need to reply her.): "Very expensive also no use. Nobody eats them."

So what if it's expensive?? You don't eat them. Likewise, my family doesn't. Money doesn't make people like something. If you behave high and mighty all the time, you can throw money around and only fools get drawn to you. Here in our house, the most expensive thing is SACRIFICE but I guess it's worthless to you because it's doesn't cost a single cent.

You will never understand value.

Blessed birthday to my baby girl

She's always been my baby girl but as we count the number of candles on her cake each year, we hate to admit that 6 candles isn't a welcomed indication that she's a baby anymore.

Each year, we rejoice over every new milestone and frown at every new sign of struggle for independance.

My baby isn't a perfect human. She struggles with obedience, but that's normal.

She gets punished for disobedience without reason (if she refuses to obey and gives a reasonable explanation, I'll usually let her have her way) .

At this age, she accepts punishments after we all calm down from the earlier frictions. I'll explain how she will be punished, give a reasonable period during which she will not get what wanted that got her being punished for, she apologies, and we wait for the punishment to end).

Usually, punishments come in the form of having something she wanted taken away for a suitable period if she refuses to agree to our terms. There has to be boundaries. And being human, we tend to prefer our own rather than boundaries set by others.

She's growing up with her own ideas, interpretations and preference now.

Most times these days, fights involve coming to mutual agreement.

She's not a difficult child despite some difficult moments :)

She's reading rather well now (she reads for ER and I during bedtime now. I hardly have to do it, unless she or ER requests for it).

She enjoys playing on her electone (but struggles with new songs). It takes her many practices before she's finally familiar enough with a whole new song and when she can finally play new pieces, she switches the electone on to play them without having to be asked to.

I see myself in her. No matter how well she plays at home, she will fumble in class, especially when Ms Lim stands right beside her during her rounds, checking if the kids need help. Performance anxiety, as Dr Terrence Tan puts it.

She still has the shepherding spirit in her. Despite fights with ER, she displays her sisterly qualities whenever ER needs help. It's easy to get her to tolerate ER's terrible symptoms of this age when we remind her that he's still ignorant of most things. She probably hates to give in but we can see her efforts in trying to.

She loves craft work. She loves making things. She's observant and notices little details. She's sensitive and notices even a change in our expression without us having to say anything.

She actually noticed that I was unhappy while cleaning the kitchen one day and asked: "Nai nai messed up the kitchen again?" All I did was scrub the stove because there were stains from overflowed liquid that she never bothered to wipe away and those stains have gotten stubborn...

And she cries with me whenever I miss Baileys asks Maen.

She's a dear. A true gift that I need to constantly remind myself not to take for granted.

Baby, we love you. Like I told you before you fell asleep a while ago, we will never stop loving you. Not even when you misbehave. Not even when you fight back. We punish you when you refuse to be corrected but our love doesn't reduce because of these punishments.

Some people have this habit of telling you "you are so naughty, your mummy doesn't love you anymore."

All I need you to remember is, unless I tell you I do not love you anymore, do not believe what others say. They have no right to speak on my behalf.

Baby girl, continue to grow up healthy. Continue to grow up to be likeable.

May the Lord bless you with a heart for Him and His work.

We really, really love you, princess!

Blessed 6th birthday to you!

Darling

He's like Maen, good with pushing the right buttons and getting away with offences if I'm too "smittened" by his cheeky behaviour to realised.

3D Foam Puzzle: Sydney Opera House

AN had a fun time building this. I had a fun time helping her too.
She gladly posed for this picture (rare!).
And then she suggested: "Mummy, I'll let my hair down. I think I look better."
Truly my (vain) princess.

She's back

Earlier, I wanted to check on the washed bedsheets I hung in "her" room to dry since 2 days ago.

We're near the park, thus humidity here is higher than in FV. Plus we used to have west sun in the kitchen and clothes dried better even without having to be brought out.

Here, we can leave the clothes outside for a week and the clothes don't dry totally :(

Good thing she was away. I get some space back for some extensive washing and drying. It's been randomly rainy and I had to be out so I needed space indoor to dry the clothes.

The hall has a temporary corner dedicated to hanging clothes to dry. Bedsheets have to be dried in playroom, which she's occupying.

But this morning when I wanted to check on the clothes, the door was locked.

Locked, as with everyday since we shifted in.

A cold reminder that this house is not mine. That she's claiming ownership alongside me.

Here we go again.

I'm staying out anyway. She can own the whole house and start messing things up again.

Update about baby

ER is coughing again.

But the Flixotide treatment seems to be working. The last panting episode was in September last year. Subsequent monthly cold/flu symptoms didn't make him breathless although he still suffered the common cough-and-throw up.

He's very into milk these days. And enjoys food now. He ate everything we ate when we were in Taiwan. Very interested in food. He's not a powerful chewer though, thus he eats rather slowly, and sometimes has to spit food out (mostly meat) because he can't swallow them.

But I'm happy enough. AN at his age ate practically NOTHING whenever we went traveling (even at home). We all wondered how she survived... But she was healthier than ER. Hmm....

He drinks milk from straw and cup now. I don't have to feed him anymore! Hurray to that! And to think MIL insisted it was faster to feed him. She's always affecting my efforts to get him to do things without help!

There I had been, finding the right tool to get him to drink on his own. And then she comes, offers to help but insists it's easier if she feeds him.

ER wants to feed himself now on most days. But she will only sit him in front of the TV, and feed him while typing away on the sms..

Without her for 2 weeks, ER has grown to be more independent.

Isn't it obvious that she's interfering with his growth?! I hate the day she returns from her Turkey vacation and that hateful day is tomorrow...

ER loves fresh milk. But sometimes he wants chocolate milk. AN loves chocolate milk more. So, we have both at home.

He places order with me when he wants milk: "I want white milk!"

And when he craves chocolate, it's: "mummy! I want black milk."

He teaches himself opposites.

He sees the green man at the traffic light blinking, he informs me by blinking his eyes and saying "green man blinking, like that".

He's still very smiley but not as cooperative as before. He's growing up and with that, he's more resistive to obeying.

I love how he smiles so much. It helps me get over my anger faster.

He's also more generous with his "sorry" and "thank-you" than AN used to be. In fact, he's very sociable and addresses every auntie, uncle, jie jie, gor gor, mei mei and babies we meet in the lifts and on the streets.

He even goes "Hello uncle!" at our security officers sitting inside Mr Liow's car and waves.

AN used to, till we came back to Singapore and hardly anyone would wave back.

She sees ER getting responses and tries to be friendly again. But she still believes that "girls cannot be too friendly. It's safer like that."

Which is also true. I'm glad she knows how to protect herself.

That day at Taiwan airport, ER wanted to play and since he had food, we didn't insist he sat at the table with us.

AN had a terrible time eating because she was so worried he's be taken away. She repeatedly reminded Mr Liow to look at ER. The moment Mr Liow lowered his head to eat, she would panic and tried to peep at the little boy.

She truly loves him. To me, she's a perfect sister, although she struggles with sharing her stuff with him.

I love my kids. But I'm struggling.

I don't want to give them up for the world..but the one who thinks world of herself refuses to leave us alone...

Baileys and Maen

I saw Baileys and Maen again.

In my dream, we were walking near a park and saw a pack of cavaliers.

Cavaliers get a lot of our attention because of BM. So, we started admiring then.

Then a little one ran up to sit right in front of me. I turned to tell AN this one looked like Maen.

As I patted it, it started jumping up and licking me. I rubbed its body (since it's so friendly and realized she's a girl) body and saw she had a lozenges on her head.

That was Maen! Her patches, her gaze, her behavior...that was her!

We started looking for Baileys and found him. He had been watching us but didn't approach us.

We went to him and he sat there waiting.

We then brought them home.

This time, I thought it was real....I thought their new owners abandoned them and we could bring them home again..

In the dream, Mr Liow felt so upset that BM became strays for who-knew-how-long! I was just relieved our family is whole again.

Judy, wake up. Life is different now.

I dreamt of my babies

I saw Baileys and Maen in my dream last night.

Maen grew fatter but still petite. Baileys had more white hair.

They both shared my laps and I was crying non stop.

I knew I was dreaming and I feared waking up. I didn't want to open my eyes and come back to reality. I could feel their warmth, their furry bodies, I could smell them. I couldn't afford to leave them again.....

That day at 十份 when we released the floating lanterns, I wrote them a short note.

Babies, you received my note, right?

My life will never be complete again. I miss both of you so so so much....

No Milk

This cheeky boy has taken to updating me lately, that I'm running low on supply when he latches.

He goes: "Mummy, this side no milk. Ethan drink this side (pointing to the other side)."

Sometimes, he unlatches and announces: "Mummy! No more milk! This side no milk. This side no milk. 2 sides no milk!"

Then he runs off.

About time he's weaned I guess.

My journey with my babies is coming to an end.

One week in Taipei

Been a really packed week with lots of walking, time spent on traveling between places and EATING!

Had been tiring, and rather depressing at times when the kids had enough of walking (I'd say, we really walked A LOT) and they would be really difficult. But then there had been many fun moments too. I love my family, beyond words.

Mum had been very naggy, worrying that the kids would be tired, cold, hungry. And she nagged about almost everything. Got on ah girl's nerves. Lol!

Mum had only the kids' priority at heart. She would come over to our room to help feed the kids in the mornings so that they had energy for the rest of the morning. She would help prepare cooled, previously boiled water, for the kids. Till I told her there was no need to, because I would do it. She brought an empty bag, just so that she could help us carry things we had no extra hands for. That's my mum: everything for her family, even if she has to go against the flow.

AN walked most of the time with us, except when it's nap time. Poor Mr Liow would then have to carry her while she slept.

ER too, wanted to be carried most of the time, which wasn't a bad thing in my opinion, because where we visited most of the days, pedestrians share the same alleys as vehicles. Extremely dangerous because I don't think the drivers can see little ER walking on the road.

Therefore, I ate all I wanted. Because I had all the workout I needed. Lol!

Sigh...I can't believe the week is over.

Mr Liow and Andy is already talking about another vacation, probably in June to Genting.

That's something to look forward to!