Taking Away My Daughter's Smile (By Rachel Macy Stafford)

Posts like these have been shared very frequently on my Facebook news feed lately. It's encouraging to know I'm not the only one who gets overwhelmed by the daily aspects of my supposedly blessed life. 

Letting go of my distractions is what I need to do. See what I need to see. Be blind to what will not make my children more beautiful than they already are.

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Taken from: http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/4099438

My life contained everything I'd ever wished for -- a loving husband, two beautiful children, a healthy mind and body, and a safe and comfortable home.

Given such desirable circumstances, one would have thought I'd wake up every morning feeling grateful, happy, and content.

But that was not the case.

I woke up feeling the same way I did when I went to bed the night before -- unhappy, annoyed, and irritable.

Mentally, I could acknowledge my life's abundant blessings, but I didn't really see them or feel them because I was too focused on my life's abundant distractions. Too many commitments. Too many screens. Too many self-induced pressures to be all and do all. Too many unachievable standards. Too many to-do's and never enough time.

And when you're overbooked, hurried, and clinging to the electronic device, there's very little time to laugh, rest, play, and simply BE. And that's when the smile on your face tends to disappear. 

Although I managed to plaster on a smile in public, my face wore a frown in the privacy of my home. You see, when you are living a highly distracted life, nothing -- not even the beautiful faces of your loving family -- can bring you joy.


The truth hurts but the truth heals... and brings me closer to the parent and person I want to be.


My outward discontent seemed to peak when it was time to leave the house. My children, then ages 4 and 7, knew I got a little crazy when I was trying to get everyone ready and out the door. My older daughter tried to help any way she could. Of course, her attempts to help made it take longer and were never good enough. I didn't try to hide my exasperation or annoyance.

I vividly remember getting in the car after one stressful departure. I glanced in the rearview mirror and saw my daughter picking her top lip nervously. As she pinched that tiny piece of fragile skin on her upper lip with wide eyes, I swear I could read her mind:

Mommy's mad. 

Mommy's tired.

Mommy's stressed. 

But there was more. I could practically hear how a young child would interpret her mother's unhappiness.

Mommy's mad at me.

Mommy's tired because of me.

Mommy's stressed because of something I did.

My older daughter's lip picking became the new routine when we got in the car to go anywhere. And much to my dismay, the habit slowly moved to other areas of her life. I attributed it to school worries, being shy, her daddy's work travels, and sibling jealousy. I read everything I could about this harmful behavior while hoping it was just a phase that would soon pass. But the lip picking didn't stop. At times, the tender skin on her upper lip would even bleed.

Around the time I felt we should seek medical attention for this problem, a light was shed on the issue -- a light that was more like a beacon of truth from which I could not hide.

In an especially chaotic rush out the door to go on a family vacation, I sat in the passenger seat fuming. Mad because I didn't have time to put the dishes in the dishwasher. Mad because we were late getting on the road. Mad because the garage door was acting up. I am talking trivial, insignificant, minor inconveniences here, but that was the state of a distracted woman who could no longer see the blessings, only the inconveniences, of her life.

And before we were about to pull out of the driveway, my husband looked at me as if someone he loved very much had died. In a barely audible whisper he said, "You're never happy anymore."

I wanted to defend.

I wanted to excuse.

I wanted to deny.

But I couldn't.

Because I knew he was right.

Where had that happy woman gone? The one who smiled at people she passed on the street just because. The one whose friends often spoke of her positive outlook on life. The one who felt happy simply because she heard her favorite song or had a pack of strawberry Twizzlers in her purse. The one who could laugh off mistakes because mistakes happen, and they are certainly not the end of the world.

Where had she gone?

And that's when I glanced to the backseat to see if my children had heard my husband's words. Staring back at me was my daughter picking her lip with worry the size of a small boulder weighing down her small shoulders.

And that's when an even more powerful question hit me.

Where had my happy little girl gone? The one who woke up with the most gorgeous bed head and good morning smile. The one who beamed at the words "sprinkler," "cotton candy," and "pet store." The one who laughed so hard tears came to her eyes. The one who licked beaters with sheer pleasure and danced happily to any song with a beat.

Where had she gone?

I knew.

I knew.

While choosing to make my own blessed life miserable, I had funneled my unhappiness straight into my daughter's once joyful heart and spirit. Her pain was a direct reflection of the expression I wore on my face.

This difficult truth was one of several powerful admissions that led to my Hands Free breakdown-breakthrough. I wasn't sure how, but I was determined to bring a smile back to my daughter's face; I knew I must bring it back to my own.

I began with one small step: looking for what was going right, instead of what was going wrong. I called it: Seeing the flowers instead of the weeds. 

Yes, there was a messy room (weeds), but it was because my children had played quietly and cooperatively with each other (flowers).

Yes, her shoes were splattered with mud (weeds), but the joy on her face as she splashed in puddles was unforgettable (flowers).

Yes, she was out of bed again (weeds), but it was to give me one more goodnight kiss (flowers).
Yes, she had gotten out every pair of shorts she owned (weeds), but she'd dressed herself independently (flowers).

When I started looking for "flowers" instead of "weeds" in our daily life, the positives became more obvious, and I quickly gained a new perspective. I realized much of what aggravated me was trivial. Much of what was supposedly "ruined" were things that could be fixed or cleaned up. What mattered -- that we were safe, healthy, and alive -- were thoughts that began to overpower the negatives.

My eager-to-please, helpful older child looked different too. I saw her for who she was, not an annoyance or a bother, but a loving child with clever thoughts and ideas. For once, I could see all the things she was capable of doing -- not perfectly, but good enough for today. The tightness in my face relaxed and the smiles came more easily for both of us.

And now here I am three years into my Hands Free journey. Like any normal human being, I have moments of frustration, sadness, anger, and overwhelm... but these feelings are temporary, they are no longer the norm. I don't smile every minute of the day, but I smile a lot.

My older daughter is not so little anymore. One of her favorite activities is giving me a makeover. I sit crossed-legged in front of her and as she gently applies blush to my face, my daughter's perfectly plump lip is in my direct line of vision.

She doesn't remember picking her lip. That habit died soon after my new life perspective was born. But I won't forget. In fact, I don't want to forget the cost of distraction. It can pick your life apart until it bleeds you dry. And it can take the ones you love with you in the process.

But by letting go of the distractions that take your focus off what really matters, you begin to see clearly. You begin to see flowers instead of weeds. 

By making it a daily practice to notice all that is good in your life, the joy in your heart has the tendency to overflow. And when it does, you are able to funnel that excess love and happiness straight into the hearts of those you most want to see smile.

Raising Godly Children

I will not continue to allow myself to decay spiritually. Many thanks to Yifang who had been encouraging me to spend time listening to sermons online whenever possible (she had been listening to Joel Osteen on youtube).

Going back to church helps. The Lord hasn't given up on me. AN went for the adult service and decided that she enjoys the adult service more than Sunday school. ER is still dependent on my presence in his class. Last week was the worst with him literally stuck to me physically, unwilling to let go because he didn't want to risk me leaving him there. I'm not sure if we should continue or if we should join the adult service together with Mr Liow and AN. I highly doubt ER can sit through at least 30mins of sermon. We'll continue with Silverboxes till he's old enough to decide if he wants to sit in with the adults.

The way I am will affect the way the kids grow up to be as adults. I want them to grow up happy, loved and contented.

I cannot control what the world does to me but I can control how I react to the world. I have had enough of self pity.  A year is long enough.

I am not going to wait till the end of this year to make my new year resolution: I want to be positive with immediate effect (not going to be easy).

It is by His Grace that I am where I am now and have what I have. I have 2 gems that I should never stop polishing.

As a mum, I'm constantly struggling. I struggle with being patient with them (I will always be struggling with that. I'm not naturally patient.) And then I struggle with guilt for not being able to exercise self control after lashing out at them.

By my own strength, I'm doomed to fail.

I am weak but HE is strong.

2 Corinthians 12:8-9 

 Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

The following passage won't just be for SAHMs. Unless parenting has always been a breeze for you, read on and be encouraged.

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Taken from: http://www.raisinggodlychildren.org/2012/10/dear-stay-at-home-mom.html?m=1

Raising Godly Children 
Equipping Godly Parents to Raise Godly Children in a godless Generation

 Dear Stay-at-Home Mom,

You are a gift of God to your husband and your kids.

But you don’t always feel that way, do you?

There’s a low-level feeling of guilt that creeps into your heart from time to time. Sometimes it bubbles over into tears, usually on lonely, difficult days.

You scan blogs and read books about being a good mom. You find some helpful tidbits here and there, often from women who are grandmothers now. Women you can learn from but who seem to have forgotten the struggle. They seem to have it all together.

In your heart, you want to be the kind of mom who trains up kids to make a difference for the kingdom. You know it’s an honor to be entrusted with these kids. You know you’ve only got one shot. You want to be the mom who teaches them the Bible, models how to pray, and trains them up in the fear of the Lord.

But most of the time you feel like you’re barely holding it all together.

Your house cleaning can’t keep up with your kids’ mess-making.

The kids embarrass you by acting up right when your guests arrive.

Your husband doesn’t get just how worn out you are by the end of the day.

You come to the end of your patience. You lose your temper. Then you feel worse.

The last thing you consider yourself to be is a “good mom.” And you think to yourself, It’ll be a miracle if my kids turn out okay.

And – surprisingly – that’s right where God wants to meet you. The place where you admit your powerlessness and your need for Him. 

It’s only by God’s grace that any kid grows up to be a force for the kingdom. 

You see, there are no perfect kids and no perfect mothers. No matter what you read in blogs, see in magazines, and learn in books. There are sinful kids and sinful moms and dads.

And the only thing greater than both is the grace of God. The God who says “there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” The God who loves to forgive, to transform, and empower.

God loves you – not because you are a good mother but just because you are His precious child.

God loves you – not because you’ve mastered all the skills of parenting but because He has. 

It’s divine grace that will transform your parenting – not guilt.

It’s grace that will keep you going and serving and scrubbing when you’re exhausted and worn out.

It’s grace that will conquer your feelings of inadequacy and remind you of God’s love for you in Christ.

It’s grace that goes for the heart of your kids, not just their behavior. 

God has demonstrated the fullness of His love for you through the cross of His Son, even while you were still a sinner.

He has promised you His presence.

He has spoken His approval over you in Christ.

He is the perfect Father who delights in you as a daughter.

Find in Him your Treasure and Joy. Be to others what He is to you.

So walk in freedom. Let Him hold you together when everything seems to be falling apart.

Bask in His unfailing love for you. And rest in His promise of power.

Trevin Wax (The Gospel Coalition Blog)

Preparing A Letter of Withdrawal from School

I can recall that day, 3 years ago, when we rushed to enroll AN in Shekinah Montessori when they shifted to the unit below my parents' place.

I remember the tonnes of papers we had to fill up.

I remember how she watched the kids play with that longing in her eyes to join them.

I remember how she couldn't wait to leave for school on the first day. How I cried when she left for those few hours because I missed her scent. How she always came back happy and singing songs she learnt.

I remember the first time she cried after a month or so of attending school because school wasn't like Gymboree. It wasn't long before she stopped resisting school because she enjoyed her time there after all.

She learnt so much that I had to research online to catch up with her.

She was a baby when we left her there.

In the blink of an eye, she's a reasoning child, who attempts to analyze things like someone older and speaks like she knows a lot about life, the world and people.

This time, I'm preparing a withdrawal letter to take her out from school.

It's emotional (I'm emotional) because I see flashbacks of the past 3 years as I type.

We decided to take her out a month earlier (by end of November) so that I can spend more time with her before her formal education starts. By then it'll likely be all academic and life won't be much the same.

We have a Hongkong trip coming up in the second week of December. I told her some of my plans: to bring her for baking classes, get lots of books from the library, sign her up for a month of art and craft classes and go out a lot. 

I'll see what else we can do together.

ER heard me and got excited. I had to gently inform him that he'll still be going to school and he'll get to do such fun activities in school.  Lol. You should have seen that pout when he heard he's not involved in our December fun.

AN is excited about December but she got sad when she realizes that will be the end of her time with friends she has loved for the past 3 years.

I'm sad too because the kids grew up together.

Told her that she'll make friends in Primary school and those friends will be with her for 6 years. Longer than she knew her friends from Shekinah.

It's going to be farewell for her soon. I'll miss bringing her to Shekinah.

I'll miss this part of her childhood.

Dealing with farewell is as tough as dealing with separation anxiety when we first started.

Sigh........

P.s: I have to note this down so that we don't forget these who were with her till the 'end'.

Faye, Mr Jolicia (wierd that these 2 girls address each other as "Mr"), Charmaine, Gwenda, Grace, Vovo, Cairns, Jesslyn, Xavier (she says she likes him and calls him on her non-working cell phone randomly to chat), Favian, Josiah

Sunday School

Long overdue but we finally brought them to Sunday School last week.

AN enjoyed the worship and sang and danced. ER was clingy and refused to sing. He even grumbled when I sang -_____-"

When time comes for them to be separated into respective classes, AN wasn't too keen. I stayed with her in the class till she was a little more warmed up before bringing ER to the nursery class. AN reminds me of myself. At 34yrs old, I still dislike putting myself in a strange environment with not a single soul that I know.

After AN settled in a little, I carried the clingy boy over to the nursery class. To my surprise, ER blended in immediately. He ran towards the kids and held hands with them to form a circle the moment we stepped in. And he forgot about me. He IS a more sociable child than AN. And friendly too (when he's not cranky).

I returned to AN's class upon seeing that ER had no problem with my absence. And I noticed that AN was participating and volunteering answers when I got there. She turned back to check on my presence and smiled when she saw that I had come back to her.

Both of them were happy after church. ER made lots of friends and would run to talk to them when we walk by each other after 'school'. And he would hug every familiar adult that he noticed from the worship session earlier on. He had been asking when we will be back to church school. AN enjoyed the worship and is constantly singing the songs they sang. ER sings with her.

Makes me want to go back to church too. I need revival. I'm dying spiritually, if not already dead. I'm resentful and I can can't carry on this way.

It's time I fight the rebellion and hate in my heart.

I try hor.

Happy Birthday Baileys

Darling you are 9 years old. I'm sure you are having white hair now but I am not with you to count them.

I pray that you will never need to feel pain in the next few years of your life.

I'll see you again. If there's one time I wish rebirth is real, this is it. Maybe when your beloved human kids are grown up, I'll invite another k9 into our home.

And when I see those eyes again, I'll know it's you.

Baileys I love you. I wish I can hug you on your special day but I gave that up.

My Prince Royal. Happy 9 years old. .....

Noah Drying His Cars?

Saw something hanging my their Noah's Ark's table.

I think Noah's cars need some drying from getting caught in the flood.

My Mum Knows Nothing, Except Sacrifice

My mum is a traditional grandmother. She is not good with encouraging words. She can't speak words of wisdom, can't write poems and articles.

She doesn't have bombastic theories based on books she reads that she can share with us. She can't even properly explain interesting tips she read on the papers when we ask for more inf0.

She is not an expert in early childhood.She doesn't read about how to discipline children or why they should not be punished.

She doesn't know what aliens and spaceships are. She doesn't know who is prime minister of Australia and who is president of USA. Or where on the globe is Italy.

She has never gone for a facial or manicure. She is not very familiar with any of our smartphones.

She knows what is good for us and what is bad but she doesn't know why.

After she bought her first tablet, she came to our place asking to learn how to use it. And requested that l install apps for the kids so that they can learn using it. She did not ask for Candy Crush or apps for her to watch drama.

l casually told mum AN had craving for sticky rice this morning and next thing I know, mum messaged me that she's on her way to get it for us. It's not from somewhere nearby. And it's now raining heavily.

My mum loves the kids right from the bottom of her heart. The most sincere and direct type that didn't get tainted by advises and instructions from childcare experts.

And she doesn't contradict my chosen way of disciplining the juniors by quoting experts who write that they have other better solutions.

She leaves the reading up to me and continue to love them her own uneducated way, like how grandmas love grandchildren.

She will do for them, what their other grandma finds a chore. There has not been anything she will not do for them. Or us. If only we ask.

And l do not like to ask for her help when l already know she has prior arrangements. She deserves to do what she likes during her free time and l know she will cancel her appointments to help with them should l ask.

She is the type of friend my MIL would gossip and complain about.

That tells a lot about different priorities each has in their lives. And not how some has exclusive rights to put down others who places family and children in utmost importance.

It's clear who is more deserving of respect.