Saying No

All the time.

AN ALWAYS HAS TO REFUSE.

ALWAYS.

EVERY EFFORT AND ATTEMPT AT SURPRISING HER WITH FOOD OR EVENTS THAT WE WOULD EXPECT HER TO SMILE OR ENJOY WILL GO DOWN THE DRAIN AND END UP IN DISAPPOINTMENT. WITHOUT FAIL.

BECAUSE HER FIRST RESPONSES WILL ALWAYS BE A FROWN AND "BUT I DON'T LIKE THAT".

EVEN IF SHE HAS NEVER TRIED IT BEFORE. EVEN IF SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS.

HER RESPONSES WILL ALWAYS BE NEGATIVE.

And I just gave myself a chance to experience negativity for the whole month of December.

Stupid right?

Chinese Oral Assessment

She was given 2 passages to prepare.

One of which was to simply read the passage out. The other was to include some information about herself with a given template to help.

I thought that the results were great encouragement.

Well done baby!

Met a good old friend

AN craved for pumpkin seeds so we went to get some at an hour that we wouldn't usually shop at.

Was glad we did! Coz we bumped into 5U and William!

Omg! We've not met since 2008. That's 5 years.

The last time we arranged to meet at their place, either one of the kids fell sick (I think AN started throwing up and had fever the day before our date).

Must arrange again. That short chat at NTUC was not enough. Lol!

Contrasting

2 types of fried rice in a pot.

See which the people in my smallville prefer. Hehe.

P.s: the rice is too sticky but I thought it's actually quite tasty. Keke.

Green Eggs and Ham

Walking on Sunshine (Home Version)

To Dust or Not to Dust

I've not found any supporting articles that speak of being immuned to allergies after being constantly exposed to it.

 

Dust is an allergen.

 

They weren't allergic to Baileys and Maen's fur. Fur is NOT an allergen. Dander is (as with the dead skin I shed when I sleep with them). They had never been allergic to BM.

 

Allergen or not, the body fights when threatened. Our natural level of defenses include sneezing, then mucus, resulting in cough.

 

Do I listen to advices telling me: "You cannot allow your kids to grow up in too 'clean' an environment. They must condition their bodies to fight viruses (allergen is NOT virus, is it??)" These were well-meaning advices and I appreciate kind thoughts.

 

But as a mum, if I have the equipment to prevent my children from having to 'fight' allergens all the time, should I sit by and do nothing about it?

 

If I have a choice of throwing away that container of dust, will I choose to hear them cough and sniff the whole night?

 

Their body's natural defense to fight allergen is a gift from their Creator. No one can take that from them.

 

And I'm their mother for a reason too.

 

P.S: I'm doing what I do my way. Other mums do it their way. This is not to say whoever doesn't do what I do is a bad mum. Ultimately, we only want the best for our kids.

 

P.P.S: My kids cough and sniffle so much I'm rather used to it by now. We think we stay too near to the road now, and are surrounded by plants. The combination of road dust + likely exposure to pollen ensures the kids' defenses are constantly challenged.

 

AN has no respiratory issues. ER had recovered for slightly over a year now and been off Flixotide since June.

 

Air quality (PSI reading) at over 400 didn't render him breathless but it did make his nose run though. But at least he didn't need help breathing like before.

 

So goodbye dust. I know you are reproducing as I'm typing but it's ok. We bid farewell in another 2 weeks.

Mummy you look happier

I was reading property news. AN saw and asked me what I actually do now. I explained to her and she smiled while commenting : "Mummy you really love property?"

 

I said it's fun but I still love makeup more.

 

She then told me what she thought: "I think you really like to do property because you look happier now."

 

She noticed that?  Because I still blow up at them when they throw tantrums. I still punish them when they misbehave. I'm still as fierce as always.

 

She said that I'm happier although I still get angry at them when they are naughty.

 

Really? How so?

 

"Mummy, you smile more now. And when I see that you are happy, I'm also happy. I think you really like what you are doing now and I'm really happy for you."

 

She sounds so matured.

 

I do enjoy working now. I also do enjoy cleaning up again. Everyday had been fruitful! I had cleaned up different areas, a little a day. Set aside time to read and prepare project details when they are not around, after a couple hours of cleaning up.

 

When they come back, I need to cook. So unless they are really tired and can nap within minutes, I allow them to spend time playing while I prepare dinner. After that I clean up the kitchen.

 

I'm no longer irked that the kitchen is constantly sticky and the whole area around the sink, WET and tonnes of unknown particles stuck to cabinet doors and table tops. No longer turning oily taps to get water and wondering if the water that exits the tap is good for drinking.

 

I had, before she left, touched and felt detergent at the water outlet. Meaning the water that came out, came out together with detergent. We fill the electric kettle with that water and drink it???????

 

AN thinks I'm happier because I enjoy "working" which is not totally wrong. I'm also happier now because I have duties that I can carry out without interferences.

 

I think the "breakup" is showing its benefits.

 

She refuses to reply my invitation for weekend stay over. She defiantly refused when Mr Liow suggested she stay with us when her places gets a new coat of paint. She said she moved out and that meant she will never come back to our place. She told AN that she's going back to her own home and she doesn't like our home. That she only likes her own home. So childish.

 

Whatever.

 

It always has to be a breakup, right?

 

Her with her daughter. And her with us now.

 

She can live angry for all I care. I did my part by thanking her for cooking for us and extending my invitation. I can't do anything if she wants to throw tantrums.

 

End of story.

Housekeeping

I really enjoy Housekeeping.

Since MIL left, I've re-organized the kids' toys.

It's been a year long and I hate that the kids toys were all over the place and dusty. But I couldn't care to pack up. Just couldn't.

I prefer things to be categorized. Now all the cars are in a box. Legos pieces are reunited.  Happy meal toys are together.  As are the train set, puzzles, princessy stuff, musical instruments and such.

The toy organizer had been dusty. I really mean dusty. You reach for a toy and get mesmerized by floating dusty bunnies that start disintegrating in the air. There are clumps of hair and dust at corners and in the wardrobe.

MIL does clean her room. She sweeps almost daily. But after having lived with BM, my eyes are trained to spot flying, dust-sized specks. Sweeping means the dust travel up and rest elsewhere. She doesn't care when I said I'll vacuum. Since she doesn't take me for real, I would keep my distance.

And no I did not vacuum her room because I don't fancy being blamed for things she misplaced.

I spent a long time washing the toy containers and dusty every corner the day she left.

I've also packed up stray cables and tied them up. Not fantastic but neater than before.

I cook now and have mopped the floor. Including the yard which had been so sticky I could not plant my feet down when I have to enter that area to do laundry. Both the kitchen and yard are now 'walkable'. I don't have to tip toe now. I wondered if she mopped the yard. I didn't. Waste my energy.

All these that I did for the past week, I did it with joy.

I really enjoy it now that I'm starting to know where things are kept now. At least now i know because I have the freedom to choose where to keep what.

This is joy.

Changes

MIL is shifting out today.

Am I excited? Not really.

I'm definitely missing her absence but not her (maybe not yet. Maybe distance will do the relationship some good).

The past weeks since I promised to try to speak to her, I did. But her expression and tone of voice each time, made me feel like she's doing me a favor by replying. The last straw came on the day of the graduation concert last Saturday. I've not had time to update but it was upsetting.

Seriously this year had been damaging. There are sensitive questions that cannot be asked without expecting some sort of sarcasm (such as "I'm not staying in your house by then. What do you want?" as a reply to an invitation to kids' concert.)

She's most welcome to stay over every weekend as before and I extended that offer to her through Mr Liow. I don't know what she thinks of that or if Mr Liow asked.

No one is shutting her out and she's more than welcome to stay. Just that I need a distance. A safe distance to maintain my boundary. To avoid an invasion.

What's going to happen after this? We'll see.

I'm going to start packing up and re-organizing some stuff.

AN said she's interested to try sleeping in that room by herself. It's encouraging but gave her an option of returning to sleep with ER if she's still uncomfy to do so alone.

Also to update, I've moved back to sleeping in the master bedroom. Tonight marks my first week.

First few nights weren't that smooth. Either of them would come look for me in the middle of the night and I would go back to sleep in their room.

And one morning, I found myself waking in their room without anyone acknowledging that they made me go back (Mr Liow wasn't aware anyone came in to get me. AN said she didn't wake up. ER denied crying in the middle of the night. I must have sleep-walked then.)

It's almost like a new beginning for me today.

I continue to pray against oppression and negativity. I pray that the Lord will continue to guide me out of ungodly parenting and anger.

Breathe.

My first

Not as high an amount as we all expect. It's a co-broke, that's why. But that's a good start. This will probably all go into start-up (buy laptop, advertise etc).

That's providing there's no hiccups in between (hiccups such as hdb not approving the purchase, Co-broke agency refusing to acknowledge the transaction coz of mistakes in the forms etc).

Happy Deepavali

AN was invited to Miss Sue's home this afternoon. She had been looking forward to this!

The kids looked like they had great fun.

But I couldn't make it to spend this day with them. Had to helped a friend out at the showflat at last minute notice.

I felt sooooooooooo guilty. This is my first time not involved in their outing. I'll get used to it in time to come.

But because of this overpowering guilt, I couldn't get upset at them. No matter what they did, nothing got on my nerves.

It IS a good idea to be away from the kids sometimes, to recharge. Guilt is good friend to patience and forbearance. Because I was recharged and guilty today, I managed to loved them even better.

And I closed my first deal. Co-broking pays little but it's still something. Can't say how blessed I had been to meet such a kind co-broke agent who were not only NOT hostile, he was also extremely patient. 

More to come. Jia you.