9 years and counting

Happy anniversary to Chris Liow! This must be the most tiring anniversary in years.

My bones are breaking, so are yours, from dashing around the park to checking into the next hotel.

And from carrying the little Tiger because he's cold, or tired, or hungry, or because he's tired of looking at butts when he walks.

Thank God the Princess is good help some of the time.

Thanks for bringing us here.

And the Lord is great! We had a bright and sunny day at the park today (despite the cold weather) after non-stop rainy ones since we reached. Makes this day an enjoyable one.

One more day and it's over. I wish this holiday never ends but I also look forward to going back home because I want to finish washing those laundry in the laundry bag.

Whatever that is, thank God for you in my life. The many struggles we have to face make me appreciate you more each time. But growing up has its pains. For Love to grow stronger, love muscles need to be trained. Bear with me when I'm sore because I'm in the process of building our future on a better note.

I'm exercising some muscle.

Happy anniversary.

Saying No

All the time.

AN ALWAYS HAS TO REFUSE.

ALWAYS.

EVERY EFFORT AND ATTEMPT AT SURPRISING HER WITH FOOD OR EVENTS THAT WE WOULD EXPECT HER TO SMILE OR ENJOY WILL GO DOWN THE DRAIN AND END UP IN DISAPPOINTMENT. WITHOUT FAIL.

BECAUSE HER FIRST RESPONSES WILL ALWAYS BE A FROWN AND "BUT I DON'T LIKE THAT".

EVEN IF SHE HAS NEVER TRIED IT BEFORE. EVEN IF SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS.

HER RESPONSES WILL ALWAYS BE NEGATIVE.

And I just gave myself a chance to experience negativity for the whole month of December.

Stupid right?

Chinese Oral Assessment

She was given 2 passages to prepare.

One of which was to simply read the passage out. The other was to include some information about herself with a given template to help.

I thought that the results were great encouragement.

Well done baby!

Met a good old friend

AN craved for pumpkin seeds so we went to get some at an hour that we wouldn't usually shop at.

Was glad we did! Coz we bumped into 5U and William!

Omg! We've not met since 2008. That's 5 years.

The last time we arranged to meet at their place, either one of the kids fell sick (I think AN started throwing up and had fever the day before our date).

Must arrange again. That short chat at NTUC was not enough. Lol!

Contrasting

2 types of fried rice in a pot.

See which the people in my smallville prefer. Hehe.

P.s: the rice is too sticky but I thought it's actually quite tasty. Keke.

Green Eggs and Ham

Walking on Sunshine (Home Version)

To Dust or Not to Dust

I've not found any supporting articles that speak of being immuned to allergies after being constantly exposed to it.

 

Dust is an allergen.

 

They weren't allergic to Baileys and Maen's fur. Fur is NOT an allergen. Dander is (as with the dead skin I shed when I sleep with them). They had never been allergic to BM.

 

Allergen or not, the body fights when threatened. Our natural level of defenses include sneezing, then mucus, resulting in cough.

 

Do I listen to advices telling me: "You cannot allow your kids to grow up in too 'clean' an environment. They must condition their bodies to fight viruses (allergen is NOT virus, is it??)" These were well-meaning advices and I appreciate kind thoughts.

 

But as a mum, if I have the equipment to prevent my children from having to 'fight' allergens all the time, should I sit by and do nothing about it?

 

If I have a choice of throwing away that container of dust, will I choose to hear them cough and sniff the whole night?

 

Their body's natural defense to fight allergen is a gift from their Creator. No one can take that from them.

 

And I'm their mother for a reason too.

 

P.S: I'm doing what I do my way. Other mums do it their way. This is not to say whoever doesn't do what I do is a bad mum. Ultimately, we only want the best for our kids.

 

P.P.S: My kids cough and sniffle so much I'm rather used to it by now. We think we stay too near to the road now, and are surrounded by plants. The combination of road dust + likely exposure to pollen ensures the kids' defenses are constantly challenged.

 

AN has no respiratory issues. ER had recovered for slightly over a year now and been off Flixotide since June.

 

Air quality (PSI reading) at over 400 didn't render him breathless but it did make his nose run though. But at least he didn't need help breathing like before.

 

So goodbye dust. I know you are reproducing as I'm typing but it's ok. We bid farewell in another 2 weeks.

Mummy you look happier

I was reading property news. AN saw and asked me what I actually do now. I explained to her and she smiled while commenting : "Mummy you really love property?"

 

I said it's fun but I still love makeup more.

 

She then told me what she thought: "I think you really like to do property because you look happier now."

 

She noticed that?  Because I still blow up at them when they throw tantrums. I still punish them when they misbehave. I'm still as fierce as always.

 

She said that I'm happier although I still get angry at them when they are naughty.

 

Really? How so?

 

"Mummy, you smile more now. And when I see that you are happy, I'm also happy. I think you really like what you are doing now and I'm really happy for you."

 

She sounds so matured.

 

I do enjoy working now. I also do enjoy cleaning up again. Everyday had been fruitful! I had cleaned up different areas, a little a day. Set aside time to read and prepare project details when they are not around, after a couple hours of cleaning up.

 

When they come back, I need to cook. So unless they are really tired and can nap within minutes, I allow them to spend time playing while I prepare dinner. After that I clean up the kitchen.

 

I'm no longer irked that the kitchen is constantly sticky and the whole area around the sink, WET and tonnes of unknown particles stuck to cabinet doors and table tops. No longer turning oily taps to get water and wondering if the water that exits the tap is good for drinking.

 

I had, before she left, touched and felt detergent at the water outlet. Meaning the water that came out, came out together with detergent. We fill the electric kettle with that water and drink it???????

 

AN thinks I'm happier because I enjoy "working" which is not totally wrong. I'm also happier now because I have duties that I can carry out without interferences.

 

I think the "breakup" is showing its benefits.

 

She refuses to reply my invitation for weekend stay over. She defiantly refused when Mr Liow suggested she stay with us when her places gets a new coat of paint. She said she moved out and that meant she will never come back to our place. She told AN that she's going back to her own home and she doesn't like our home. That she only likes her own home. So childish.

 

Whatever.

 

It always has to be a breakup, right?

 

Her with her daughter. And her with us now.

 

She can live angry for all I care. I did my part by thanking her for cooking for us and extending my invitation. I can't do anything if she wants to throw tantrums.

 

End of story.

Housekeeping

I really enjoy Housekeeping.

Since MIL left, I've re-organized the kids' toys.

It's been a year long and I hate that the kids toys were all over the place and dusty. But I couldn't care to pack up. Just couldn't.

I prefer things to be categorized. Now all the cars are in a box. Legos pieces are reunited.  Happy meal toys are together.  As are the train set, puzzles, princessy stuff, musical instruments and such.

The toy organizer had been dusty. I really mean dusty. You reach for a toy and get mesmerized by floating dusty bunnies that start disintegrating in the air. There are clumps of hair and dust at corners and in the wardrobe.

MIL does clean her room. She sweeps almost daily. But after having lived with BM, my eyes are trained to spot flying, dust-sized specks. Sweeping means the dust travel up and rest elsewhere. She doesn't care when I said I'll vacuum. Since she doesn't take me for real, I would keep my distance.

And no I did not vacuum her room because I don't fancy being blamed for things she misplaced.

I spent a long time washing the toy containers and dusty every corner the day she left.

I've also packed up stray cables and tied them up. Not fantastic but neater than before.

I cook now and have mopped the floor. Including the yard which had been so sticky I could not plant my feet down when I have to enter that area to do laundry. Both the kitchen and yard are now 'walkable'. I don't have to tip toe now. I wondered if she mopped the yard. I didn't. Waste my energy.

All these that I did for the past week, I did it with joy.

I really enjoy it now that I'm starting to know where things are kept now. At least now i know because I have the freedom to choose where to keep what.

This is joy.

Changes

MIL is shifting out today.

Am I excited? Not really.

I'm definitely missing her absence but not her (maybe not yet. Maybe distance will do the relationship some good).

The past weeks since I promised to try to speak to her, I did. But her expression and tone of voice each time, made me feel like she's doing me a favor by replying. The last straw came on the day of the graduation concert last Saturday. I've not had time to update but it was upsetting.

Seriously this year had been damaging. There are sensitive questions that cannot be asked without expecting some sort of sarcasm (such as "I'm not staying in your house by then. What do you want?" as a reply to an invitation to kids' concert.)

She's most welcome to stay over every weekend as before and I extended that offer to her through Mr Liow. I don't know what she thinks of that or if Mr Liow asked.

No one is shutting her out and she's more than welcome to stay. Just that I need a distance. A safe distance to maintain my boundary. To avoid an invasion.

What's going to happen after this? We'll see.

I'm going to start packing up and re-organizing some stuff.

AN said she's interested to try sleeping in that room by herself. It's encouraging but gave her an option of returning to sleep with ER if she's still uncomfy to do so alone.

Also to update, I've moved back to sleeping in the master bedroom. Tonight marks my first week.

First few nights weren't that smooth. Either of them would come look for me in the middle of the night and I would go back to sleep in their room.

And one morning, I found myself waking in their room without anyone acknowledging that they made me go back (Mr Liow wasn't aware anyone came in to get me. AN said she didn't wake up. ER denied crying in the middle of the night. I must have sleep-walked then.)

It's almost like a new beginning for me today.

I continue to pray against oppression and negativity. I pray that the Lord will continue to guide me out of ungodly parenting and anger.

Breathe.

My first

Not as high an amount as we all expect. It's a co-broke, that's why. But that's a good start. This will probably all go into start-up (buy laptop, advertise etc).

That's providing there's no hiccups in between (hiccups such as hdb not approving the purchase, Co-broke agency refusing to acknowledge the transaction coz of mistakes in the forms etc).

Happy Deepavali

AN was invited to Miss Sue's home this afternoon. She had been looking forward to this!

The kids looked like they had great fun.

But I couldn't make it to spend this day with them. Had to helped a friend out at the showflat at last minute notice.

I felt sooooooooooo guilty. This is my first time not involved in their outing. I'll get used to it in time to come.

But because of this overpowering guilt, I couldn't get upset at them. No matter what they did, nothing got on my nerves.

It IS a good idea to be away from the kids sometimes, to recharge. Guilt is good friend to patience and forbearance. Because I was recharged and guilty today, I managed to loved them even better.

And I closed my first deal. Co-broking pays little but it's still something. Can't say how blessed I had been to meet such a kind co-broke agent who were not only NOT hostile, he was also extremely patient. 

More to come. Jia you. 

Taking Away My Daughter's Smile (By Rachel Macy Stafford)

Posts like these have been shared very frequently on my Facebook news feed lately. It's encouraging to know I'm not the only one who gets overwhelmed by the daily aspects of my supposedly blessed life. 

Letting go of my distractions is what I need to do. See what I need to see. Be blind to what will not make my children more beautiful than they already are.

******************************************************************** 

Taken from: http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/4099438

My life contained everything I'd ever wished for -- a loving husband, two beautiful children, a healthy mind and body, and a safe and comfortable home.

Given such desirable circumstances, one would have thought I'd wake up every morning feeling grateful, happy, and content.

But that was not the case.

I woke up feeling the same way I did when I went to bed the night before -- unhappy, annoyed, and irritable.

Mentally, I could acknowledge my life's abundant blessings, but I didn't really see them or feel them because I was too focused on my life's abundant distractions. Too many commitments. Too many screens. Too many self-induced pressures to be all and do all. Too many unachievable standards. Too many to-do's and never enough time.

And when you're overbooked, hurried, and clinging to the electronic device, there's very little time to laugh, rest, play, and simply BE. And that's when the smile on your face tends to disappear. 

Although I managed to plaster on a smile in public, my face wore a frown in the privacy of my home. You see, when you are living a highly distracted life, nothing -- not even the beautiful faces of your loving family -- can bring you joy.


The truth hurts but the truth heals... and brings me closer to the parent and person I want to be.


My outward discontent seemed to peak when it was time to leave the house. My children, then ages 4 and 7, knew I got a little crazy when I was trying to get everyone ready and out the door. My older daughter tried to help any way she could. Of course, her attempts to help made it take longer and were never good enough. I didn't try to hide my exasperation or annoyance.

I vividly remember getting in the car after one stressful departure. I glanced in the rearview mirror and saw my daughter picking her top lip nervously. As she pinched that tiny piece of fragile skin on her upper lip with wide eyes, I swear I could read her mind:

Mommy's mad. 

Mommy's tired.

Mommy's stressed. 

But there was more. I could practically hear how a young child would interpret her mother's unhappiness.

Mommy's mad at me.

Mommy's tired because of me.

Mommy's stressed because of something I did.

My older daughter's lip picking became the new routine when we got in the car to go anywhere. And much to my dismay, the habit slowly moved to other areas of her life. I attributed it to school worries, being shy, her daddy's work travels, and sibling jealousy. I read everything I could about this harmful behavior while hoping it was just a phase that would soon pass. But the lip picking didn't stop. At times, the tender skin on her upper lip would even bleed.

Around the time I felt we should seek medical attention for this problem, a light was shed on the issue -- a light that was more like a beacon of truth from which I could not hide.

In an especially chaotic rush out the door to go on a family vacation, I sat in the passenger seat fuming. Mad because I didn't have time to put the dishes in the dishwasher. Mad because we were late getting on the road. Mad because the garage door was acting up. I am talking trivial, insignificant, minor inconveniences here, but that was the state of a distracted woman who could no longer see the blessings, only the inconveniences, of her life.

And before we were about to pull out of the driveway, my husband looked at me as if someone he loved very much had died. In a barely audible whisper he said, "You're never happy anymore."

I wanted to defend.

I wanted to excuse.

I wanted to deny.

But I couldn't.

Because I knew he was right.

Where had that happy woman gone? The one who smiled at people she passed on the street just because. The one whose friends often spoke of her positive outlook on life. The one who felt happy simply because she heard her favorite song or had a pack of strawberry Twizzlers in her purse. The one who could laugh off mistakes because mistakes happen, and they are certainly not the end of the world.

Where had she gone?

And that's when I glanced to the backseat to see if my children had heard my husband's words. Staring back at me was my daughter picking her lip with worry the size of a small boulder weighing down her small shoulders.

And that's when an even more powerful question hit me.

Where had my happy little girl gone? The one who woke up with the most gorgeous bed head and good morning smile. The one who beamed at the words "sprinkler," "cotton candy," and "pet store." The one who laughed so hard tears came to her eyes. The one who licked beaters with sheer pleasure and danced happily to any song with a beat.

Where had she gone?

I knew.

I knew.

While choosing to make my own blessed life miserable, I had funneled my unhappiness straight into my daughter's once joyful heart and spirit. Her pain was a direct reflection of the expression I wore on my face.

This difficult truth was one of several powerful admissions that led to my Hands Free breakdown-breakthrough. I wasn't sure how, but I was determined to bring a smile back to my daughter's face; I knew I must bring it back to my own.

I began with one small step: looking for what was going right, instead of what was going wrong. I called it: Seeing the flowers instead of the weeds. 

Yes, there was a messy room (weeds), but it was because my children had played quietly and cooperatively with each other (flowers).

Yes, her shoes were splattered with mud (weeds), but the joy on her face as she splashed in puddles was unforgettable (flowers).

Yes, she was out of bed again (weeds), but it was to give me one more goodnight kiss (flowers).
Yes, she had gotten out every pair of shorts she owned (weeds), but she'd dressed herself independently (flowers).

When I started looking for "flowers" instead of "weeds" in our daily life, the positives became more obvious, and I quickly gained a new perspective. I realized much of what aggravated me was trivial. Much of what was supposedly "ruined" were things that could be fixed or cleaned up. What mattered -- that we were safe, healthy, and alive -- were thoughts that began to overpower the negatives.

My eager-to-please, helpful older child looked different too. I saw her for who she was, not an annoyance or a bother, but a loving child with clever thoughts and ideas. For once, I could see all the things she was capable of doing -- not perfectly, but good enough for today. The tightness in my face relaxed and the smiles came more easily for both of us.

And now here I am three years into my Hands Free journey. Like any normal human being, I have moments of frustration, sadness, anger, and overwhelm... but these feelings are temporary, they are no longer the norm. I don't smile every minute of the day, but I smile a lot.

My older daughter is not so little anymore. One of her favorite activities is giving me a makeover. I sit crossed-legged in front of her and as she gently applies blush to my face, my daughter's perfectly plump lip is in my direct line of vision.

She doesn't remember picking her lip. That habit died soon after my new life perspective was born. But I won't forget. In fact, I don't want to forget the cost of distraction. It can pick your life apart until it bleeds you dry. And it can take the ones you love with you in the process.

But by letting go of the distractions that take your focus off what really matters, you begin to see clearly. You begin to see flowers instead of weeds. 

By making it a daily practice to notice all that is good in your life, the joy in your heart has the tendency to overflow. And when it does, you are able to funnel that excess love and happiness straight into the hearts of those you most want to see smile.

Raising Godly Children

I will not continue to allow myself to decay spiritually. Many thanks to Yifang who had been encouraging me to spend time listening to sermons online whenever possible (she had been listening to Joel Osteen on youtube).

Going back to church helps. The Lord hasn't given up on me. AN went for the adult service and decided that she enjoys the adult service more than Sunday school. ER is still dependent on my presence in his class. Last week was the worst with him literally stuck to me physically, unwilling to let go because he didn't want to risk me leaving him there. I'm not sure if we should continue or if we should join the adult service together with Mr Liow and AN. I highly doubt ER can sit through at least 30mins of sermon. We'll continue with Silverboxes till he's old enough to decide if he wants to sit in with the adults.

The way I am will affect the way the kids grow up to be as adults. I want them to grow up happy, loved and contented.

I cannot control what the world does to me but I can control how I react to the world. I have had enough of self pity.  A year is long enough.

I am not going to wait till the end of this year to make my new year resolution: I want to be positive with immediate effect (not going to be easy).

It is by His Grace that I am where I am now and have what I have. I have 2 gems that I should never stop polishing.

As a mum, I'm constantly struggling. I struggle with being patient with them (I will always be struggling with that. I'm not naturally patient.) And then I struggle with guilt for not being able to exercise self control after lashing out at them.

By my own strength, I'm doomed to fail.

I am weak but HE is strong.

2 Corinthians 12:8-9 

 Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

The following passage won't just be for SAHMs. Unless parenting has always been a breeze for you, read on and be encouraged.

****************************************************

Taken from: http://www.raisinggodlychildren.org/2012/10/dear-stay-at-home-mom.html?m=1

Raising Godly Children 
Equipping Godly Parents to Raise Godly Children in a godless Generation

 Dear Stay-at-Home Mom,

You are a gift of God to your husband and your kids.

But you don’t always feel that way, do you?

There’s a low-level feeling of guilt that creeps into your heart from time to time. Sometimes it bubbles over into tears, usually on lonely, difficult days.

You scan blogs and read books about being a good mom. You find some helpful tidbits here and there, often from women who are grandmothers now. Women you can learn from but who seem to have forgotten the struggle. They seem to have it all together.

In your heart, you want to be the kind of mom who trains up kids to make a difference for the kingdom. You know it’s an honor to be entrusted with these kids. You know you’ve only got one shot. You want to be the mom who teaches them the Bible, models how to pray, and trains them up in the fear of the Lord.

But most of the time you feel like you’re barely holding it all together.

Your house cleaning can’t keep up with your kids’ mess-making.

The kids embarrass you by acting up right when your guests arrive.

Your husband doesn’t get just how worn out you are by the end of the day.

You come to the end of your patience. You lose your temper. Then you feel worse.

The last thing you consider yourself to be is a “good mom.” And you think to yourself, It’ll be a miracle if my kids turn out okay.

And – surprisingly – that’s right where God wants to meet you. The place where you admit your powerlessness and your need for Him. 

It’s only by God’s grace that any kid grows up to be a force for the kingdom. 

You see, there are no perfect kids and no perfect mothers. No matter what you read in blogs, see in magazines, and learn in books. There are sinful kids and sinful moms and dads.

And the only thing greater than both is the grace of God. The God who says “there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” The God who loves to forgive, to transform, and empower.

God loves you – not because you are a good mother but just because you are His precious child.

God loves you – not because you’ve mastered all the skills of parenting but because He has. 

It’s divine grace that will transform your parenting – not guilt.

It’s grace that will keep you going and serving and scrubbing when you’re exhausted and worn out.

It’s grace that will conquer your feelings of inadequacy and remind you of God’s love for you in Christ.

It’s grace that goes for the heart of your kids, not just their behavior. 

God has demonstrated the fullness of His love for you through the cross of His Son, even while you were still a sinner.

He has promised you His presence.

He has spoken His approval over you in Christ.

He is the perfect Father who delights in you as a daughter.

Find in Him your Treasure and Joy. Be to others what He is to you.

So walk in freedom. Let Him hold you together when everything seems to be falling apart.

Bask in His unfailing love for you. And rest in His promise of power.

Trevin Wax (The Gospel Coalition Blog)

Preparing A Letter of Withdrawal from School

I can recall that day, 3 years ago, when we rushed to enroll AN in Shekinah Montessori when they shifted to the unit below my parents' place.

I remember the tonnes of papers we had to fill up.

I remember how she watched the kids play with that longing in her eyes to join them.

I remember how she couldn't wait to leave for school on the first day. How I cried when she left for those few hours because I missed her scent. How she always came back happy and singing songs she learnt.

I remember the first time she cried after a month or so of attending school because school wasn't like Gymboree. It wasn't long before she stopped resisting school because she enjoyed her time there after all.

She learnt so much that I had to research online to catch up with her.

She was a baby when we left her there.

In the blink of an eye, she's a reasoning child, who attempts to analyze things like someone older and speaks like she knows a lot about life, the world and people.

This time, I'm preparing a withdrawal letter to take her out from school.

It's emotional (I'm emotional) because I see flashbacks of the past 3 years as I type.

We decided to take her out a month earlier (by end of November) so that I can spend more time with her before her formal education starts. By then it'll likely be all academic and life won't be much the same.

We have a Hongkong trip coming up in the second week of December. I told her some of my plans: to bring her for baking classes, get lots of books from the library, sign her up for a month of art and craft classes and go out a lot. 

I'll see what else we can do together.

ER heard me and got excited. I had to gently inform him that he'll still be going to school and he'll get to do such fun activities in school.  Lol. You should have seen that pout when he heard he's not involved in our December fun.

AN is excited about December but she got sad when she realizes that will be the end of her time with friends she has loved for the past 3 years.

I'm sad too because the kids grew up together.

Told her that she'll make friends in Primary school and those friends will be with her for 6 years. Longer than she knew her friends from Shekinah.

It's going to be farewell for her soon. I'll miss bringing her to Shekinah.

I'll miss this part of her childhood.

Dealing with farewell is as tough as dealing with separation anxiety when we first started.

Sigh........

P.s: I have to note this down so that we don't forget these who were with her till the 'end'.

Faye, Mr Jolicia (wierd that these 2 girls address each other as "Mr"), Charmaine, Gwenda, Grace, Vovo, Cairns, Jesslyn, Xavier (she says she likes him and calls him on her non-working cell phone randomly to chat), Favian, Josiah

Sunday School

Long overdue but we finally brought them to Sunday School last week.

AN enjoyed the worship and sang and danced. ER was clingy and refused to sing. He even grumbled when I sang -_____-"

When time comes for them to be separated into respective classes, AN wasn't too keen. I stayed with her in the class till she was a little more warmed up before bringing ER to the nursery class. AN reminds me of myself. At 34yrs old, I still dislike putting myself in a strange environment with not a single soul that I know.

After AN settled in a little, I carried the clingy boy over to the nursery class. To my surprise, ER blended in immediately. He ran towards the kids and held hands with them to form a circle the moment we stepped in. And he forgot about me. He IS a more sociable child than AN. And friendly too (when he's not cranky).

I returned to AN's class upon seeing that ER had no problem with my absence. And I noticed that AN was participating and volunteering answers when I got there. She turned back to check on my presence and smiled when she saw that I had come back to her.

Both of them were happy after church. ER made lots of friends and would run to talk to them when we walk by each other after 'school'. And he would hug every familiar adult that he noticed from the worship session earlier on. He had been asking when we will be back to church school. AN enjoyed the worship and is constantly singing the songs they sang. ER sings with her.

Makes me want to go back to church too. I need revival. I'm dying spiritually, if not already dead. I'm resentful and I can can't carry on this way.

It's time I fight the rebellion and hate in my heart.

I try hor.

Happy Birthday Baileys

Darling you are 9 years old. I'm sure you are having white hair now but I am not with you to count them.

I pray that you will never need to feel pain in the next few years of your life.

I'll see you again. If there's one time I wish rebirth is real, this is it. Maybe when your beloved human kids are grown up, I'll invite another k9 into our home.

And when I see those eyes again, I'll know it's you.

Baileys I love you. I wish I can hug you on your special day but I gave that up.

My Prince Royal. Happy 9 years old. .....

Noah Drying His Cars?

Saw something hanging my their Noah's Ark's table.

I think Noah's cars need some drying from getting caught in the flood.

My Mum Knows Nothing, Except Sacrifice

My mum is a traditional grandmother. She is not good with encouraging words. She can't speak words of wisdom, can't write poems and articles.

She doesn't have bombastic theories based on books she reads that she can share with us. She can't even properly explain interesting tips she read on the papers when we ask for more inf0.

She is not an expert in early childhood.She doesn't read about how to discipline children or why they should not be punished.

She doesn't know what aliens and spaceships are. She doesn't know who is prime minister of Australia and who is president of USA. Or where on the globe is Italy.

She has never gone for a facial or manicure. She is not very familiar with any of our smartphones.

She knows what is good for us and what is bad but she doesn't know why.

After she bought her first tablet, she came to our place asking to learn how to use it. And requested that l install apps for the kids so that they can learn using it. She did not ask for Candy Crush or apps for her to watch drama.

l casually told mum AN had craving for sticky rice this morning and next thing I know, mum messaged me that she's on her way to get it for us. It's not from somewhere nearby. And it's now raining heavily.

My mum loves the kids right from the bottom of her heart. The most sincere and direct type that didn't get tainted by advises and instructions from childcare experts.

And she doesn't contradict my chosen way of disciplining the juniors by quoting experts who write that they have other better solutions.

She leaves the reading up to me and continue to love them her own uneducated way, like how grandmas love grandchildren.

She will do for them, what their other grandma finds a chore. There has not been anything she will not do for them. Or us. If only we ask.

And l do not like to ask for her help when l already know she has prior arrangements. She deserves to do what she likes during her free time and l know she will cancel her appointments to help with them should l ask.

She is the type of friend my MIL would gossip and complain about.

That tells a lot about different priorities each has in their lives. And not how some has exclusive rights to put down others who places family and children in utmost importance.

It's clear who is more deserving of respect.

Chilling Out

On some days, AN will not insist on visiting her favourite websites but instead spend her time teaching ER from sites that benefit HIM.

On those good days, ER will sit still beside AN without attempting to click on every single line or picture.

AN will hug him like they are the best of friends and him not going "I don't want jie jie!"

On such good days, I do not mind them staring at the computer for longer than usual because such good times do not always come by.

Appreciate them while they last :)

"What Do You Want"

AN will be having her graduation concert on 9th November and there's ticket sales this morning.

I invited my mum who is obviously excited to watch AN perform on stage for the last time.

He asked his mum this morning.

"Ma are you free on 9th November? "

Her selfish reply that isn't much of a surprise by now: "I'm not staying here by then. What do you want? "

No. We're not begging you for help.

And yes I understand that you will not be staying here with us by then and you have all the rights not to help us. Like even when you stayed here, you have never had to sacrifice your appointments to help us. You never will, anyway. We totally understand.

It was my fault for suggesting that Mr Liow asked if she would be keen to watch AN perform.

I really never learn, right?

Mr Liow replied her that it was AN's concert and asked if she was interested.

The Empress replied: "我现在不知道。到时有空我就去。"

耍大牌。

Mr Liow was offended by then and said that we were going to purchase tickets and if she was keen, we'll have to get extra ticket.

She said she wouldn't be able to make it on Saturday evenings.

Am I not prophetic?

It was just an invitation. Not a plea.

We had to plead with her to help us with the kids when all of us were having fever at one time and she refused to help. It happened often enough for us to  finally see that she will only do things for herself. At least I recognized that fact long ago and I look down on that. Especially when she goes lying that she moved in with us because we needed her help.

*cough* Did she say we........."needed help"???

She questioned on and only after hearing that ER will also be performing did she agree to go.

No we didn't beg her. Suddenly her tight schedule has an empty slot without making any adjustments.

Seriously.

I can only roll eyes at her high and mighty attitude.

Hey, I GET YOU LOUD AND CLEAR WHEN YOU WENT: " I WON'T BE STAYING HERE BY THEN. WHAT DO YOU WANT? "

IT'S OBVIOUS ENOUGH TAT YOU MEAN WE SHOULD NOT BE ASKING YOU FOR HELP.

I GET IT.

BUT DO NOTE TOO, TAT YOU HAVE NEVER GIVEN HELP ANYWAY FOR THE PAST FEW YEARS, EVEN BEFORE YOU MOVED IN WITH US.

PLEASE WAKE UP YOUR IDEA.

Washing Dustpan in the Kitchen Sink

There are 4 basins in the house. And 2 shower points.

Of all these 6 water points, she chooses the kitchen sink to wash the dust pan. That's also where she washed the fan, using the same sponge for dish washing, on machine grease on the dusty fan blades and face plate.

And that's where she dries washed cups, rims down on the same dirty table top right beside the sink. Despite the drying rack just above that table.

I cannot comprehend the wierd way she does things.

I've constantly reminded her (before I stopped talking to her altogether) that what's for washing dishes IS SOLELY FOR WASHING DISHES!

The last time I reminded her before I stopped totally, was that day she insisted I told her not to wash the brown-oiled stained non stick pan. I replied for the last time: "mother. 我一向来都强调卫生最重要。我不可能叫你不要洗锅的。"

You know when it's pointless saying more because she's ready to pick a fight and accuse me of disrespect and I'm not ready to do it in front of my kids.

But how?

He's tolerating the remaining of her stay here and reminds me that she's leaving when I tell him the amazing things I discovered. She gets her way now because she's leaving.

And we wonder why the kids do not recover. ER gets soft stool constantly too.

I'm ruling in lactose intolerance for now and will cut down on milk to find out.

This intolerance got worse after she moved in with us.

We'll find out by end of this year IF she does move out.

And she has the decency to criticize me in front of AN. Really lol at such thick skin.

Sleeping on my belly

ER behaves a lot like Maen. Maybe because he's still young. Maen is like a little girl who never grows up. She is lovely that way.

She loved to sleep on my head and rest her head on my neck after Mr Liow left for work in the past. He wouldn't allow them on the bed but they knew I loved sleeping with them.

Baileys' favorite spot is between my legs. He rests his head on my belly and snuggles the rest of his body tucked nicely between my thighs.

ER had been sleeping on my belly lately. It used to be random and I didn't notice when he started getting used to it and by now, I'll his pillow.

This felt like the times I had with Baileys. I could imagine it was Baileys and not ER.

The only difference is, ER faces up at the ceiling as he lies on my belly but Baileys will be looking at me.

The mystery of time travel. If only my mind is strong enough to take me back, I said I wouldn't have brought the furkids home.

But I also long to go back to when I was their pillow. When Baileys was my trusted buddy and Maen, my shadow.

Where should I start visiting?

Bye Nails

I'd very much love to get a manicure done and the last time I had one was before my wedding day in 2004.

Along came Baileys. And then Maen.

They were so tiny and fragile and their paw pads were smoother than my own skin back then. I couldn't keep my nails long because I do not want to poke or scratch them (but they do more damage to themselves when they fight...)

Nail polishes were impossible because I don't want them to lick me and get poisoned. Or risk bits of these polishes flaking off into their food without me knowing.

With human kids, it's the same.

I can tell when it's time to trim my nails when I see scratch marks on the little ones' body after I shower them.

AN looked like she got attacked by an animal yesterday after her shower. Disclaimer: I didn't attack her on purpose!

Today, these nails have to go.

Maybe when I do not need to shower them anymore, I can go for a manicure.

Or maybe I can get AN to do it for me (she's been asking me to go for one because she REALLY wants to see how it's done. She's been watching tutorials on YouTube and dying to try them on me.)

Nice Warm Water

Been swimming with the kids for the past 2 days (AN went 4 days in a row since Saturday) and by now both love the water.

AN had been swimming in the deep pool for 3 days and the baby pool no longer speaks to her.

She splashes her way around and doesn't fear even if she's away from the side of the pool (under supersivion of course! She cannot swim and is only learning to keep herself alive for as long as possible as of now).

She has learnt to float on her back and it's a life saver. If she ever falls into the pool or finds herself too far from help, she can float to breath before swimming back to safety. She can track quite well too (tiring but she likes to do that). Her strokes are erm....just enough to bring her somewhere. Work on that as we go along.

ER feared the water for a long time (both my kids started off fearing water, even when showering -___-"). He wouldn't even step into the baby pool without us (which is not such a bad thing. One can only drown once, right?)

But as he watches AN splash around, dipping in and out from the surface of the pool, he is inspired.

We did a "group dunk" when we all hold our breath and dipped our heads into the water to blow bubbles. ER held his breath. He'll learn. hehe.

And watching AN float effortlessly on her back made him want to try that too. He lies on his back but his body stiffens up and he sinks because he wasn't totally flat on his back. hehe. He's loosening up though (as little).

I like the water the last 2 days I brought them there.

The water has always been COLD. That first time I went swimming, I shivered every single minute, even when I was underwater. I didn't get used to the temperature of the water. It was almost freezing cold and the strong winds blowing along the tunnel back and forth at the pool didn't warm me up.

I gave up joining up in the pool for the next 9 months.

Water was warm and nice on Monday (Sunday too, according to daddy) and I went in to swim with them (ER was happy coz he could imitate AN while clinging onto me for safety).

No swimming today (for the sake of my hair and AN's. hehe). Kids need better goggles because the one AN has doesn't cushion around her eyes well. They either fall off when loosened or leaves 2 big swollen rims around her eyes after swimming.

I still want to put them in swimming classes. Effectively, AN still cannot swim. They both just do not fear the water anymore.

p.s. (negative rant)
ER was excited when he told her "Nai nai I can swim. I not scared of water."

She was watching TV and spared him little attention with eyes fixed to her show.

After ER repeated several times those same words, she replied in frustration: "我听不懂你讲什么啦!“.

So encouraging.

And this same woman criticised me for losing my patience with him when he screams alien language during tantrums. She criticised me for not listening to them and said that I am unreasonable.

She doesn't even HEAR him when he speaks clearly to her. But she has the cheeks to jump at me for getting upset at him when I have to deal with the screaming kid who's not speaking human.

So cool right?

I KNOW "SHE'S LEAVING SOON". You can stop reminding me that. Instead, tell her over and over again to stop throwing stones at me till she's blameless herself.

The same one who tells my daughter that I'm messy with their clothes do not have keep her own wardrobe space neat and tidy herself.

The same one who got chased out of her daughter's house has the cheeks to gossip that my mum gets upset with me for being too harsh with the kids (yet my relationship with my mum is still going strong, unlike hers with her daughter's).

The same one who rolls her eyes at how unreasonable I am with my kids during their hissy fits used to slap the nieces on their cheeks and cane them so hard the teacher had to call up their mother (her daughter) to ensure there hadn't been any child abuse going on at home.

I am unreasonable but I love my children. I am doing my best and I do not need criticism from someone who cannot even set her own records straight.

"LEAVING SOON" gives her no rights to tell my kids "mummy doesn't love you if you misbehave'.

I have to continually undo potential damage she causes and assure them that I love them even when I'm angry at their misbehavior.

Anger DOESN'T EQUAL lack of love.

I THOUGHT SHE'S VERY WISE AND KNOWS EVERYTHING AFTER THAT COUNSELLING COURSE? IF THAT IS SO, CAN I ASSUME SHE DELIBERATELY TOLD MY KIDS I DO NOT LOVE THEM WHEN THEY DO NOT BEHAVE???????

What other excuse do you have for her this time? Still that she doesn't know what she's saying?

She's leaving. So what?

Diaperless

Wrote his teachers a note in his green book informing that he would be in underwear from now on.

He's in underwear at home now and doing relatively well with only occasional accidents.

He'll still be in training pants when we're out though. The lines at restrooms can be intimidating to a trainee underwear-er.

He was still in underwear when I fetched him this afternoon.

Miss Cindy said he refused to pee in the toilet and needed some coaxing. Eventually he did his business in the toilet twice after that.

He's improving. No accidents today!

I must thank his teachers for their attention. Like what Linda said, it's probably a blessing he's still in the PG class because teacher-student ratio is low.

But I thought he's regressing in speech and behavior.

Still for now, I'm thankful he's improving in his toileting skills.

Achievements

ER
He appeared to have acrophobia. Or maybe not. I can't tell.

He refused to go across narrow beams and wobbly nets that are hung from level 2 and above at indoor playgrounds. He even asks to be carried when we cross bridges to get to the other side of the road.

He says: "It's so dangerous!"

That makes me wonder if he had phobia of heights.

But he's Ok looking down from high places and walking up stairs. Just not across them.

AN is a cool sister. She continued running across the fearsome elevated narrow beams and wobbly nets,  encouraging him to follow her.

He would always refuse but last Friday, he took his first step over the narrow beam. AN was so excited she shouted for me to look at ER take tiny but quick
steps to get to the other side.

He attempted the wobbly net too.

Soon these no longer posed any challenge to him and he was all over the playground with AN and their new friends.

Told AN that she gave him the best birthday present anyone could give him. She helped him conquer his fear of height (at least over these 2 obstacles). Boys need to be brave and she helped him find the courage.

Told her that it wasn't something that anyone can buy for him. She was very excited to hear that she gave ER such an impressive gift. Hehe.

AN
She used to fear water. She didn't like water running down her face when I washed her hair. She wouldn't dunk her head into water.

Weekly swims (on less hectic weeks she got more than one swim a week) didn't exactly help much.

Peer motivation did!

Each time she went to the pool with Gwenda or Eugenia, she would push a little further (she started dipping her face into water, swimming in the deep pool with the float etc).

She met Gwenda for a swim earlier today and both girls jumped into the deep pool.  Horrified,  I couldn't blink. I was ready to pull AN to the side and I imagined her to gasp and struggleher way up to the surface.

But she did not struggle a single bit.

In fact she looked as though she could swim.

Omg...... that was like a miracle. Linda said AN didn't look like she can't swim. At that moment I agree.

She was tracking water steadily (where did that come from??) And she kicked herself away from the side of the pool. She turned to her back and floated effortlessly.

She tried swimming like Gwenda but from there, one can tell AN couldn't swim. She didn't do proper styles. But she paddled and got around nonetheless.

I was beyond amazed

That splashing around with Gwen totally destroyed her fear of water. So much that she could waddle around confidently.

2  achievements. One each.

I'm amazed with my mouth wide open.

We're so going swimming again tomorrow after school. Forget the nap. Hehe.

I want to watch AN with my mouth wide open again tomorrow.

Heartbroken? Part 2

Part 2

He refused school yesterday. . 

Miss Sue, AN's form teacher, is one of the teachers ER likes to mingle with. She brought him in crying as I left them. He wasn't happy leaving with her this time. 

I met her at the door in the afternoon when I went to pick them.

She said she spent a long time coaxing him. He refused to go join his classmates in the playroom during breakfast time. When it was time for Miss Sue to return to AN's classroom, Miss Angeline came to take him in and he willingly left with her. He bounced his way into the playroom happily.

Miss Sue jokingly complained that he bullied her.  Hehe. 

In our chat, she said he likes to play with that few kids. One of them was Ansa.

I was surprised to hear that and told her that he beat her on Monday! 

Miss Sue laughed and said children have this love-hate thing between them that lasts for no longer than an hour. 

She said that she heard ER tell Ansa few days ago: "I love you. I want you to be my girlfriend."

Ansa's reply was "I cannot love you. I can only love my mummy."

Omg. Sounds cute. 

But I think Miss Sue added in the "be my girlfriend" part. It has never in our conversation or shows they watch.I don't think the word "Girlfriend" is even in his vocabulary yet.

He probably told her he loves her (he's generous with his "I love you-s" when he's in a good mood.)

That leaves me wondering if he felt offended and because she refused to return his love, he didn't want her as a friend anymore. 

Hmm...

I asked him and he coldly replied: "Ansa is not my friend".

When I asked about Ayden, he smiled and acknowledged: "Yes! Ayden is my friend!". Rayden is a friend too when I asked. Just not Ansa.

Does he prefer to play with guys? It's going to be a few more months before he gets to join the boys in the bigger kid class :(

Sigh.....

One more child to decode. 

AN was MUCH milder (and behaved even better in school than at home). The only problem with her is that she is TOO talkative and constantly distracted.

I've come to realise that as much as I spend time talking to AN about boys, dating and marriage, I must not neglect ER too. 

There will come a time when he will have to handle rejection from new friends and girls.

I pray that he'll learn to take things in his stride. Like a man.

Heartbroken? Part 1

Miss Suzanna informed me that ER beat a friend 3 times on separate occasions on Monday. Needles to say, I was mortified! 

She said he was probably tired and suggested I ask him why he did that. She said she didn't exactly see the commotion before he striked and didnt want to wrongly accuse him. I wanted to tell her that ER had complained about being beatened by Naja for a couple of weeks and that he probably picked up that behaviour in defense. 

But that is lousy explanation for being an attacker regardless.

I found out that it was the same classmates by the name of Ansa whom he laid hands his hands on., all the 3 mentioned times.

AN later corrected me when I told him good boys do not fight in class: Ansa is a girl. 

Why haven't I thought of that. He's the only boy in his class....

My son beat a girl.

*horror*

I had to keep reminding him constantly on Tuesday and yesterday that he's Superman. Superman is a hero who protects others. Reminded him too that if Ansa or whoever does something mean, he should let his teacher know. 

AN helped me show ER how a victim feels to beaten.  She pretended to cry when I hit her and then I asked ER: "Is jie jie in pain? Is she sad?"

He was empathetic and comforted my little actress.

Each time I asked him if it was right to beat anyone, he heroically replied that its bad.

He has in fact,  been very rough with AN the past few weeks himself, even as he disagreed with me going physical with AN.

I really hope it's a passing phase but I will not let that go without correction. 

A counselor, my foot.

I'm unwilling to leave the room.

Things to wash, pack and organize out there but I can't stand the thought of bumping into the person who changed my life in just 1 year.

I can't make myself get out to do something.

She has no idea I'm becoming like she used to because SHE IS THE BAD INFLUENCE. She thinks she learnt lots just because she went through counseling courses and is wiser now than she used to be. Wiser than I am, she believes. And has all the rights to judge me.

She didn't realize that is too late for her to learn what she no longer needs to know.

She should instead be learning how to be an inspirational elderly figure instead of brag about how she now knows what makes a good mother to young children in theory.

Don't boast about knowledge. I know what makes a good mother too and I never gave up trying, till you came to change me for the worse.

Go learn something to improve your relationship with the next generation that you personally destroyed over the years and stop trying to meddle in businesses that are mine, NOT YOURS.

That will give me room to find myself again and benefit my kids.

Please. Leave. Me. Alone.

If you learn counseling and doesn't learn to give others room and space to breath, you are just an empty vessel and deserving of what you get in return.

What else do you know that I do not? How much better are you than I?

Brag on. Continue feeding your oversized ego. Everyone you know ate flawed. You are the only perfect being. Continue worshiping yourself and leave as soon as the door opens.

Please. Leave. Me. Alone.

Self Fulfilled Prophecy

She got what she had been looking for. ER doesn't want to go to school today.

I should let her know and 顺便ask if it makes her happy now to hear tt. That was a prophecy that she had been working on to self fulfill, wasn't it?

Watercolor

AN loves to paint and it's not news.

ER likes to play with colors too.

Poster colors are easier to paint with. Watercolors required a little more 'skill'.

AN paints with watercolor.

Without that 'skill', all ER got was a wet piece of paper that dried.

Reflection of the inner person

The past 2 secretaries of the lawyer handling our Parc Centros case had been rude to begin with but after a couple of conversations (I used to enjoy sounding friendly over the phone because I hated rude callers when I worked as a customer service officer), they loosened up.

This is the 3rd one today when I called. And just as rude as the first 2.

Months ago, I would try to make the conversation friendly with "please", "appreciate your help" and "you have a good day" (assuming that work sucks for them and kind words help brighten them up a little. Didn't used to take much effort. )

Today I responded attitude with attitude. I said my piece and hung up.

This world is this hateful. Everyone expects others to be nice and I used to be that sucker.

That sucker died.

Why I HATE Her.

She has the rights to criticize me and the way I do things behind my back TO MY KIDS. And defense come in the form of words like "she's leaving soon. "

When I simply told AN in sarcasm "Mummy will buy you lots of things when I start earning lots of money", I get a good sarcastic reply as instruction to AN "go spend more time with mummy. She will earn lots of money and not have time for you soon."

Following that was a show down. In front of kids.

Needy kids demanding attention from me constantly. I need to organize not just their wardrobe but their art, Craft, books, toys and  miscellaneous.

She has the cheeks to tell AN "Your mummy is so messy" when she couldn't find ER's underwear in the drawer.

Go look into her wardrobe and tell me now neat it is. That's the ONLY thing she had to organize in this house. Plus kids don't want her.

Then come tell me who's the messy one.

Or better yet, tell my daughter. Because her grandma just told her that her mummy is messy. And because of this, AN can one day tell me "Mummy you are so messy. That's why I am."

Thanks.

And what I get as a reply is "she's already leaving."

That gives her absolute rights to damage more because she is leaving?

好。我就死心了。

I now know where I stand.

I'm full of Excuses

He'll be meeting his ex classmates tonight without me and kids.

Gatherings like these to me is just a dream.

Nice that he gets to catch up with old friends.

But I'm just a lousy friend who is always making up excuses to miss out on gatherings.

My friends believe that when I back out of any gatherings at the last minute, it's probably because I do not feel like being around. That's what his mum assumes of friends who are sole caretakers of their grandchildren. Those grandmothers sacrifice their time and friends so that their daughter/in laws continue to live like a modern day woman. So that socially they are alive. So that friends do not wonder if they died in a freak accident and no one else knew.

He has friends old and new. I lost my old ones. And making new ones is subjected to everyone's convenience.

I don't need friends. I am expected to not need friends.

When the kids are sick, when they do not have school, it doesn't bother him much. He doesn't have to stay home.

I had my first network event this morning but I have to excuse myself and weakly agree that I will be present the next time round.

So how if I'm supposed to meet clients?

The kids are no one else's responsibilities? They are only mine?

They ARE my responsibilities. So why is his mum trying to meddle?

What do you all expect from me?

When the kids act up and his mum is watching to pounce, he's having a hard time fighting fire at work. I'm having a good time negotiating with the terrorists at home and obviously I do not expect to win any any battles.

What have I stayed home for? It was a decision I made when I was young, stupid and ignorant.

Does anyone appreciate? I'm thankful AN does. Maybe ER too. But they will grow up one day and by them I'll be left to pick up my own pieces and look for friends who wonder what hidden agenda I have to be calling them up after having disappeared for so many years.

This is life. Beautiful and bright. I hope life is short just as they say.

Putting Words into His Mouth. PRACTICALLY.

ER woke up in a bad mood tis morning. He wanted to continue sleeping. I said ok. He insisted I sleep with him but I can't.

When he'sdifficult, he IS difficult. Not cute.

MIL rush into the room as he was screaming for me to lie down when I went to settle their morning stuff. He kept screaming that he wanted to me to lie down.

For odd reasons she kept asking him why he doesn't want to go to sch. He never once mentioned abt not going to school. It wasn't even about school. He wanted me to lie with him. Couldn't she hear?

For a good 10 mins she kept telling him he MUST go sch and asked him why he didn't like sch. She repeated her intentions at the already grouchy ER till he started telling her "I don't want to go to school!"

Like he replied her "I don't want to drink water" when she offered my water boy some in his very agitated state of mind.

I can't take it anymore and ask her to stop telling him to go sch. It's turning him off!!!!

He was just throwing tantrums because it's early and it doesn't even happen every morning.

He said he doesn't want to drink water when she asked too. But she didn't ask him why he doesn't want to drink????

Does it make her feel victorious of she finally gets ER to tell her he hates his school? Is that what she had been looking for? Why does it seem like she's constantly leading him into saying school sucks?

He kept repeating he didn't want to wake up. She keep asking in response, why he doesn't want to go sch. It wasn't even related.

She continued to ask if school is bad. I thought she learnt counseling? Didn't she learn that repeatedly asking "is school bad?" often enough MAKES one believe that school IS bad??????

She then ask me why he is crying. I said he wants to go back to slp. She then ask me why I won't let him.

Which one of her 2 ears did she hear me day no?! I told her he wanted me to lie with him and I couldnt. That was what pissed him. She then finally stopped  criticizing sch in front of him. Not before she had the last words "he's been like that the past few days. I don't know what happens to him in his school."

Should I challenge her? And start an argument? Or give her the last say?

I didn't want my children to hear me challenge her. GIVE HER THAT BIT OF DIGNITY IN FRONT OF THE KIDS. SOMETHING I AM DEPRIVED OF WHEN I GOT CHALLENGED RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM.

I gave her the last say. Not because I agreed with her. But because I'm a better person.

For goodness sake. She doesn't even know where his school is located. What does she know? She continues to assume she's right without even attempting to get to know his school.

I thought she was told to leave us alone?

I knew she won't.

Paperwork Settled

Took me 1.5hrs to get to SLP office in Spring Singapore. Thank goodness I dont have to be in office everyday.

Submitted copies of whatever is required and met up with Alvin. 6 weeks to getting my license to represent clients!

He'll be my direct mentor.

I was shown a presentation of the company structure and its subsidiaries. Alvin assured me that everyone in SRI5000 (in which I'll join Alvin and Serena) are very willing to help us "new recruits" learn the ropes and be independent.

It's still like a dream. I still am stuck mentally at how helpless I felt when I had Chickenpox and couldn't take the exam in May. Up till now, I still cannot believe I passed my exam and am now awaiting CEA to grant me my license.

If this is a dream, I don't want to wake up.

I'm not dying to go to work and be away from my kids. I just don't want to wake up realizing that nothing I ever worked hard for bears ideal results. It always seems like I can never do anything well no matter how hard I tried.

Failure is so part of me that success always feels like a dream. And too often, success only happens in my dreams.

I don't aim for big bucks (although I wish out loud that I do whenever I feel bitter about all that happened). But I do wish that I can find satisfaction somewhere.

With some extra allowance, I could go for upgrading courses and then continue with my makeup services. And these extras should allow for more flexibility in what I plan to spend on that I don't feel comfortable doing now on only 1 salary.

To start off,  before CEA gives me the go-ahead, I'll be attending briefings and courses conducted by the bosses to network and learn.

I'll grab whatever I can so that hopefully unimportant people and memories fall through the gaps of my fingers.

Another step closer.

Horror Story

It's been hazy this morning and while bringing the kids to school, we wondered if the Haze is back.

It didn't smell like the Haze. AN said it could be fire somewhere. Didn't smell like for either. Thank God!

On the way home after they safely reached school, I saw hundreds of construction workers waiting outside the half completed development beside ours. 2 fire rescue vehicles were parked across the road.

My heartbeat started racing in fear.

My brains said it didn't smell like fire. Or Haze.

My heart ached and I heard it pray that no one is trapped or hurt.

Our security uncle was watching the fire rescue team work.

Asked him what happened as I walked past. He smiled and said: "Fogging. Not fire."

Phew...........

"You are not the first to ask."

My heart was wrong. The brain was right. It didn't smell like fire. It was just mosquito homicide. (Just to update, there had been 6 case of dengue at our place and NEA made several trips here to check for stagnant water and on ignorant mosquito breeders).

As I walked home, this sight actually reminded me of winter! Paired with the cool weather this morning, it DOES feel like winter.

If this was really winter, how nice........

Instilling Fear

Again.

AN glanced at the mirror and looked away immediately after. She looked a little frightened.

I asked her what happened and she said her nai nai warned her not to stare at the mirror for too long because that will give her nightmares.

Seriously.

First she caused AN to fear the dark by saying that it's necessary to keep a night light on last year because it's scary to sleep in the dark. Took a while before AN would sleep without lights from my phone.

Now this.

She's scared of everything. Scared of ghosts. Scared no money. Scared of opened doors because crooks will surely enter if we don't close the door. Scared of living on ground level because there are people who work shifts to break in to houses everyday. She locks the door when she sleeps because she's scared of break ins. She's scared of yellow lights in her room and we changed it to white.

And she has to scare my daughter with her own superstitious fears (and AS MUCH AS SHE ALWAYS JUDGES SUPERSTITIOUS RELATIVES, SHE NEVER ADMITS TO BEING SUPERSTITIOUS HERSELF.)

Is living a life full of fear so fun she has to share it with my daughter?

She can be scared of the ants and I dont care but why won't she just stop there and not bring senseless fear into this House?

Should we remind her to stop spouting nonsense to the kids? I can hear her reply right now in my brains: "你们的孩子 我才不会去管。"   or  "我什么都不对 你们什么都对。"

If I can only reply her "你什么都对。是我们不会教孩子。他们应该什么都怕。相你一样。"

Microwave Brownie

AN tried making her own chocolate Brownie (tastes like steamed cake). She made it like 3 times after she got it the first time.

She doesn't eat much of it but thankfully she has a little brother who adores the cakes she made.

This is their breakfast. Made by baker AN.
It does taste good!

Potty Training: Almost There

ER is almost potty trained. 90% I'd say. And finally.

He was introduced to the potty as early as 18 months but I didn't put him on it very often. It was only during the nights that he got to sit on the potty. More of an introduction.

Along the way, I put him on it more. He sort of got it as days went by.  But with the shifting and that period when I was out the whole day studying in the library, he went prehistoric again. But he stayed dry during most nights except for some of those nights sieben he woke up  constantly asking to drink water. He's a water boy. He does wake up in the middle of the night to drink. Hehe. One of his cute habits.

Since last month, we had been putting him in underwear. He was so cute and went around showing off his underwear when he first had it on. After a few times of wetting his underwear and changing out of them that day, he got disappointed and defeatedly begged: "Ethan keep dirtying my underwear. Ethan don't want underwear anymore. I want my diapers."

That made me feel sorry for him and we assured him that was ok and I could wash the underwears.

It did get frustrating and we tried very hard not to show our frustration although I think he could feel it. His sweet jie jie would constantly remind us that he's learning and to not punish him. We have nointention of punishing him for this of course. Just that the frustration of cleaning up wet puddles so often each day and failing to catch him with full bladder does show on our face.

Yesterday was good! He started informing Mr Liow tat he needed to pee while AN and I were away.

It went on the whole day. He was dry at night. We went for a movie and he was dry throughout. This time is different and I think he finally got it. Because he almost peed a little in his underwear and was able to stop and hold while announcing that he needed to pee this morning. There is bladder control this time. And he's announcing it now. We do not have to catch him with a full bladder this time.

His pooping is still random he does inform is but not always. There are days when he would inform only after he's done and he would excitedly announced "yeah Ethan poop and Ethan tell mummy."

I feel terrible for him when he's excited about doing something right without realizing he got it wrong. My heart aches (because I picture people waiting to shame him for that mistake as he grows older. 我心痛.)

Anyway, we'll just work on that. He almost there already. Not a fast potty master but I'm still proud of him and excited!

I told him he's a big boy peeing like daddy now and he takes my word for it.

I was reminding AN to be more understanding towards what he isn't able to do very well yet because he's still little. ER heard and corrected me: "Ethan is not a little boy. Ethan a big boy already."

Aww..... he really has a way with melting my heart.

He even asked to see daddy's "birdie" during toilet time just now. Daddy said no.

Lol!

Happy Teachers' Day

"Better Than A Thousand Days Of Diligent Study Is One Day With A Great Teacher..."

Happy Teacher's Day!

My Venus and Mars

I see distinct difference between my little ones. Whether it's because they are of different gender or if it's just because they are unique in their very own ways, I can't help but appreciate them in that special way.

Sleeping Alone
AN is a dependant sleeping partner. She has to sleep extremely near me even till now (unless someone is unwell and she has to sleep with daddy). When she was younger, if she woke up without me in sight, she would sit right there on the bed and cry till I appeared. She wakes up to look for me if I'm not with her during sleeping time now but there are that few rare occasions when she still wakes up crying for me.

ER is independent. He sleeps apart from me even though I sleep right beside him. He flips all over and often ends up resting on a higher pillow. He always sleeps better when he ends up elevated. When he doesn't find me in the room, he'll usually get up and sleep walk his way to where I may be. He has his way of locating me with his eyes almost closed. The cute thing is, he doesn't forget to close the door to his room after he walks out in search for mummy.

Character
AN had never commanded me to do anything for her. She's not always will mannered but she would never tell me to do anything "now!", or sound dictative in any ways. She obeys when I'm firm with her. And she can tell when I'm ok with waiting so she takes some advantage of the situation assuming that I'm flexible with my expectation.

She comforts me when I cry. She's what Baileys and Maen used to be. I can cry into her and she pats me as I break down. She's been a very caring girl since she was a toddler. I remembered how she didn't understand why I cried one day but hugged me and told me something funny. She smiled when she saw her how made me smile. She was about 22 months then (I rmb coz it was a week before my parents came to visit us in Tucson).

Even when she's being punished or reprimanded, she wouldn't retaliate harshly. If she is not in agreement with being punished, she would at most stomp her feet and cry. And accept her punishment.

ER allows me to cry on him too. Blankly. He jokes and makes me laugh when I'm visibly upset at something he did. That's bravery coz when I'm not easily pacified when I'm angry (especially so this past year).

He loudly talks back at me when he doesn't agree with his punishment. He is vocal with his likes and dislikes. His intentions and preferences are usually clear. I can reason with him and trick him a little but being firm hardly works at getting him to listen up.

He crumbles when I announce "Do I have to be angry all the time?" recently. He's a tough one to crack. If he says no, he means it.

Thankfully he's at this age when he does things to cheer me up. He likes to make me laugh. He's a funny boy. And he has tons of cheeky behavior and expressions that he specifically stores up to use on angry mummy so that mummy isn't angry anymore. If mummy is in a TERRIBLE temper, he speaks the most useful sentence to calm me: "Mummy, I love you." Or "Mummy, Ethan's wants to hug."

There are more but I'm sleepy. I'll try to note more later on. It'll be nice to read about them and reminisce when they grow older.

:)