Chilling Out

On some days, AN will not insist on visiting her favourite websites but instead spend her time teaching ER from sites that benefit HIM.

On those good days, ER will sit still beside AN without attempting to click on every single line or picture.

AN will hug him like they are the best of friends and him not going "I don't want jie jie!"

On such good days, I do not mind them staring at the computer for longer than usual because such good times do not always come by.

Appreciate them while they last :)

"What Do You Want"

AN will be having her graduation concert on 9th November and there's ticket sales this morning.

I invited my mum who is obviously excited to watch AN perform on stage for the last time.

He asked his mum this morning.

"Ma are you free on 9th November? "

Her selfish reply that isn't much of a surprise by now: "I'm not staying here by then. What do you want? "

No. We're not begging you for help.

And yes I understand that you will not be staying here with us by then and you have all the rights not to help us. Like even when you stayed here, you have never had to sacrifice your appointments to help us. You never will, anyway. We totally understand.

It was my fault for suggesting that Mr Liow asked if she would be keen to watch AN perform.

I really never learn, right?

Mr Liow replied her that it was AN's concert and asked if she was interested.

The Empress replied: "我现在不知道。到时有空我就去。"

耍大牌。

Mr Liow was offended by then and said that we were going to purchase tickets and if she was keen, we'll have to get extra ticket.

She said she wouldn't be able to make it on Saturday evenings.

Am I not prophetic?

It was just an invitation. Not a plea.

We had to plead with her to help us with the kids when all of us were having fever at one time and she refused to help. It happened often enough for us to  finally see that she will only do things for herself. At least I recognized that fact long ago and I look down on that. Especially when she goes lying that she moved in with us because we needed her help.

*cough* Did she say we........."needed help"???

She questioned on and only after hearing that ER will also be performing did she agree to go.

No we didn't beg her. Suddenly her tight schedule has an empty slot without making any adjustments.

Seriously.

I can only roll eyes at her high and mighty attitude.

Hey, I GET YOU LOUD AND CLEAR WHEN YOU WENT: " I WON'T BE STAYING HERE BY THEN. WHAT DO YOU WANT? "

IT'S OBVIOUS ENOUGH TAT YOU MEAN WE SHOULD NOT BE ASKING YOU FOR HELP.

I GET IT.

BUT DO NOTE TOO, TAT YOU HAVE NEVER GIVEN HELP ANYWAY FOR THE PAST FEW YEARS, EVEN BEFORE YOU MOVED IN WITH US.

PLEASE WAKE UP YOUR IDEA.

Washing Dustpan in the Kitchen Sink

There are 4 basins in the house. And 2 shower points.

Of all these 6 water points, she chooses the kitchen sink to wash the dust pan. That's also where she washed the fan, using the same sponge for dish washing, on machine grease on the dusty fan blades and face plate.

And that's where she dries washed cups, rims down on the same dirty table top right beside the sink. Despite the drying rack just above that table.

I cannot comprehend the wierd way she does things.

I've constantly reminded her (before I stopped talking to her altogether) that what's for washing dishes IS SOLELY FOR WASHING DISHES!

The last time I reminded her before I stopped totally, was that day she insisted I told her not to wash the brown-oiled stained non stick pan. I replied for the last time: "mother. 我一向来都强调卫生最重要。我不可能叫你不要洗锅的。"

You know when it's pointless saying more because she's ready to pick a fight and accuse me of disrespect and I'm not ready to do it in front of my kids.

But how?

He's tolerating the remaining of her stay here and reminds me that she's leaving when I tell him the amazing things I discovered. She gets her way now because she's leaving.

And we wonder why the kids do not recover. ER gets soft stool constantly too.

I'm ruling in lactose intolerance for now and will cut down on milk to find out.

This intolerance got worse after she moved in with us.

We'll find out by end of this year IF she does move out.

And she has the decency to criticize me in front of AN. Really lol at such thick skin.

Sleeping on my belly

ER behaves a lot like Maen. Maybe because he's still young. Maen is like a little girl who never grows up. She is lovely that way.

She loved to sleep on my head and rest her head on my neck after Mr Liow left for work in the past. He wouldn't allow them on the bed but they knew I loved sleeping with them.

Baileys' favorite spot is between my legs. He rests his head on my belly and snuggles the rest of his body tucked nicely between my thighs.

ER had been sleeping on my belly lately. It used to be random and I didn't notice when he started getting used to it and by now, I'll his pillow.

This felt like the times I had with Baileys. I could imagine it was Baileys and not ER.

The only difference is, ER faces up at the ceiling as he lies on my belly but Baileys will be looking at me.

The mystery of time travel. If only my mind is strong enough to take me back, I said I wouldn't have brought the furkids home.

But I also long to go back to when I was their pillow. When Baileys was my trusted buddy and Maen, my shadow.

Where should I start visiting?

Bye Nails

I'd very much love to get a manicure done and the last time I had one was before my wedding day in 2004.

Along came Baileys. And then Maen.

They were so tiny and fragile and their paw pads were smoother than my own skin back then. I couldn't keep my nails long because I do not want to poke or scratch them (but they do more damage to themselves when they fight...)

Nail polishes were impossible because I don't want them to lick me and get poisoned. Or risk bits of these polishes flaking off into their food without me knowing.

With human kids, it's the same.

I can tell when it's time to trim my nails when I see scratch marks on the little ones' body after I shower them.

AN looked like she got attacked by an animal yesterday after her shower. Disclaimer: I didn't attack her on purpose!

Today, these nails have to go.

Maybe when I do not need to shower them anymore, I can go for a manicure.

Or maybe I can get AN to do it for me (she's been asking me to go for one because she REALLY wants to see how it's done. She's been watching tutorials on YouTube and dying to try them on me.)

Nice Warm Water

Been swimming with the kids for the past 2 days (AN went 4 days in a row since Saturday) and by now both love the water.

AN had been swimming in the deep pool for 3 days and the baby pool no longer speaks to her.

She splashes her way around and doesn't fear even if she's away from the side of the pool (under supersivion of course! She cannot swim and is only learning to keep herself alive for as long as possible as of now).

She has learnt to float on her back and it's a life saver. If she ever falls into the pool or finds herself too far from help, she can float to breath before swimming back to safety. She can track quite well too (tiring but she likes to do that). Her strokes are erm....just enough to bring her somewhere. Work on that as we go along.

ER feared the water for a long time (both my kids started off fearing water, even when showering -___-"). He wouldn't even step into the baby pool without us (which is not such a bad thing. One can only drown once, right?)

But as he watches AN splash around, dipping in and out from the surface of the pool, he is inspired.

We did a "group dunk" when we all hold our breath and dipped our heads into the water to blow bubbles. ER held his breath. He'll learn. hehe.

And watching AN float effortlessly on her back made him want to try that too. He lies on his back but his body stiffens up and he sinks because he wasn't totally flat on his back. hehe. He's loosening up though (as little).

I like the water the last 2 days I brought them there.

The water has always been COLD. That first time I went swimming, I shivered every single minute, even when I was underwater. I didn't get used to the temperature of the water. It was almost freezing cold and the strong winds blowing along the tunnel back and forth at the pool didn't warm me up.

I gave up joining up in the pool for the next 9 months.

Water was warm and nice on Monday (Sunday too, according to daddy) and I went in to swim with them (ER was happy coz he could imitate AN while clinging onto me for safety).

No swimming today (for the sake of my hair and AN's. hehe). Kids need better goggles because the one AN has doesn't cushion around her eyes well. They either fall off when loosened or leaves 2 big swollen rims around her eyes after swimming.

I still want to put them in swimming classes. Effectively, AN still cannot swim. They both just do not fear the water anymore.

p.s. (negative rant)
ER was excited when he told her "Nai nai I can swim. I not scared of water."

She was watching TV and spared him little attention with eyes fixed to her show.

After ER repeated several times those same words, she replied in frustration: "我听不懂你讲什么啦!“.

So encouraging.

And this same woman criticised me for losing my patience with him when he screams alien language during tantrums. She criticised me for not listening to them and said that I am unreasonable.

She doesn't even HEAR him when he speaks clearly to her. But she has the cheeks to jump at me for getting upset at him when I have to deal with the screaming kid who's not speaking human.

So cool right?

I KNOW "SHE'S LEAVING SOON". You can stop reminding me that. Instead, tell her over and over again to stop throwing stones at me till she's blameless herself.

The same one who tells my daughter that I'm messy with their clothes do not have keep her own wardrobe space neat and tidy herself.

The same one who got chased out of her daughter's house has the cheeks to gossip that my mum gets upset with me for being too harsh with the kids (yet my relationship with my mum is still going strong, unlike hers with her daughter's).

The same one who rolls her eyes at how unreasonable I am with my kids during their hissy fits used to slap the nieces on their cheeks and cane them so hard the teacher had to call up their mother (her daughter) to ensure there hadn't been any child abuse going on at home.

I am unreasonable but I love my children. I am doing my best and I do not need criticism from someone who cannot even set her own records straight.

"LEAVING SOON" gives her no rights to tell my kids "mummy doesn't love you if you misbehave'.

I have to continually undo potential damage she causes and assure them that I love them even when I'm angry at their misbehavior.

Anger DOESN'T EQUAL lack of love.

I THOUGHT SHE'S VERY WISE AND KNOWS EVERYTHING AFTER THAT COUNSELLING COURSE? IF THAT IS SO, CAN I ASSUME SHE DELIBERATELY TOLD MY KIDS I DO NOT LOVE THEM WHEN THEY DO NOT BEHAVE???????

What other excuse do you have for her this time? Still that she doesn't know what she's saying?

She's leaving. So what?

Diaperless

Wrote his teachers a note in his green book informing that he would be in underwear from now on.

He's in underwear at home now and doing relatively well with only occasional accidents.

He'll still be in training pants when we're out though. The lines at restrooms can be intimidating to a trainee underwear-er.

He was still in underwear when I fetched him this afternoon.

Miss Cindy said he refused to pee in the toilet and needed some coaxing. Eventually he did his business in the toilet twice after that.

He's improving. No accidents today!

I must thank his teachers for their attention. Like what Linda said, it's probably a blessing he's still in the PG class because teacher-student ratio is low.

But I thought he's regressing in speech and behavior.

Still for now, I'm thankful he's improving in his toileting skills.

Achievements

ER
He appeared to have acrophobia. Or maybe not. I can't tell.

He refused to go across narrow beams and wobbly nets that are hung from level 2 and above at indoor playgrounds. He even asks to be carried when we cross bridges to get to the other side of the road.

He says: "It's so dangerous!"

That makes me wonder if he had phobia of heights.

But he's Ok looking down from high places and walking up stairs. Just not across them.

AN is a cool sister. She continued running across the fearsome elevated narrow beams and wobbly nets,  encouraging him to follow her.

He would always refuse but last Friday, he took his first step over the narrow beam. AN was so excited she shouted for me to look at ER take tiny but quick
steps to get to the other side.

He attempted the wobbly net too.

Soon these no longer posed any challenge to him and he was all over the playground with AN and their new friends.

Told AN that she gave him the best birthday present anyone could give him. She helped him conquer his fear of height (at least over these 2 obstacles). Boys need to be brave and she helped him find the courage.

Told her that it wasn't something that anyone can buy for him. She was very excited to hear that she gave ER such an impressive gift. Hehe.

AN
She used to fear water. She didn't like water running down her face when I washed her hair. She wouldn't dunk her head into water.

Weekly swims (on less hectic weeks she got more than one swim a week) didn't exactly help much.

Peer motivation did!

Each time she went to the pool with Gwenda or Eugenia, she would push a little further (she started dipping her face into water, swimming in the deep pool with the float etc).

She met Gwenda for a swim earlier today and both girls jumped into the deep pool.  Horrified,  I couldn't blink. I was ready to pull AN to the side and I imagined her to gasp and struggleher way up to the surface.

But she did not struggle a single bit.

In fact she looked as though she could swim.

Omg...... that was like a miracle. Linda said AN didn't look like she can't swim. At that moment I agree.

She was tracking water steadily (where did that come from??) And she kicked herself away from the side of the pool. She turned to her back and floated effortlessly.

She tried swimming like Gwenda but from there, one can tell AN couldn't swim. She didn't do proper styles. But she paddled and got around nonetheless.

I was beyond amazed

That splashing around with Gwen totally destroyed her fear of water. So much that she could waddle around confidently.

2  achievements. One each.

I'm amazed with my mouth wide open.

We're so going swimming again tomorrow after school. Forget the nap. Hehe.

I want to watch AN with my mouth wide open again tomorrow.

Heartbroken? Part 2

Part 2

He refused school yesterday. . 

Miss Sue, AN's form teacher, is one of the teachers ER likes to mingle with. She brought him in crying as I left them. He wasn't happy leaving with her this time. 

I met her at the door in the afternoon when I went to pick them.

She said she spent a long time coaxing him. He refused to go join his classmates in the playroom during breakfast time. When it was time for Miss Sue to return to AN's classroom, Miss Angeline came to take him in and he willingly left with her. He bounced his way into the playroom happily.

Miss Sue jokingly complained that he bullied her.  Hehe. 

In our chat, she said he likes to play with that few kids. One of them was Ansa.

I was surprised to hear that and told her that he beat her on Monday! 

Miss Sue laughed and said children have this love-hate thing between them that lasts for no longer than an hour. 

She said that she heard ER tell Ansa few days ago: "I love you. I want you to be my girlfriend."

Ansa's reply was "I cannot love you. I can only love my mummy."

Omg. Sounds cute. 

But I think Miss Sue added in the "be my girlfriend" part. It has never in our conversation or shows they watch.I don't think the word "Girlfriend" is even in his vocabulary yet.

He probably told her he loves her (he's generous with his "I love you-s" when he's in a good mood.)

That leaves me wondering if he felt offended and because she refused to return his love, he didn't want her as a friend anymore. 

Hmm...

I asked him and he coldly replied: "Ansa is not my friend".

When I asked about Ayden, he smiled and acknowledged: "Yes! Ayden is my friend!". Rayden is a friend too when I asked. Just not Ansa.

Does he prefer to play with guys? It's going to be a few more months before he gets to join the boys in the bigger kid class :(

Sigh.....

One more child to decode. 

AN was MUCH milder (and behaved even better in school than at home). The only problem with her is that she is TOO talkative and constantly distracted.

I've come to realise that as much as I spend time talking to AN about boys, dating and marriage, I must not neglect ER too. 

There will come a time when he will have to handle rejection from new friends and girls.

I pray that he'll learn to take things in his stride. Like a man.

Heartbroken? Part 1

Miss Suzanna informed me that ER beat a friend 3 times on separate occasions on Monday. Needles to say, I was mortified! 

She said he was probably tired and suggested I ask him why he did that. She said she didn't exactly see the commotion before he striked and didnt want to wrongly accuse him. I wanted to tell her that ER had complained about being beatened by Naja for a couple of weeks and that he probably picked up that behaviour in defense. 

But that is lousy explanation for being an attacker regardless.

I found out that it was the same classmates by the name of Ansa whom he laid hands his hands on., all the 3 mentioned times.

AN later corrected me when I told him good boys do not fight in class: Ansa is a girl. 

Why haven't I thought of that. He's the only boy in his class....

My son beat a girl.

*horror*

I had to keep reminding him constantly on Tuesday and yesterday that he's Superman. Superman is a hero who protects others. Reminded him too that if Ansa or whoever does something mean, he should let his teacher know. 

AN helped me show ER how a victim feels to beaten.  She pretended to cry when I hit her and then I asked ER: "Is jie jie in pain? Is she sad?"

He was empathetic and comforted my little actress.

Each time I asked him if it was right to beat anyone, he heroically replied that its bad.

He has in fact,  been very rough with AN the past few weeks himself, even as he disagreed with me going physical with AN.

I really hope it's a passing phase but I will not let that go without correction. 

A counselor, my foot.

I'm unwilling to leave the room.

Things to wash, pack and organize out there but I can't stand the thought of bumping into the person who changed my life in just 1 year.

I can't make myself get out to do something.

She has no idea I'm becoming like she used to because SHE IS THE BAD INFLUENCE. She thinks she learnt lots just because she went through counseling courses and is wiser now than she used to be. Wiser than I am, she believes. And has all the rights to judge me.

She didn't realize that is too late for her to learn what she no longer needs to know.

She should instead be learning how to be an inspirational elderly figure instead of brag about how she now knows what makes a good mother to young children in theory.

Don't boast about knowledge. I know what makes a good mother too and I never gave up trying, till you came to change me for the worse.

Go learn something to improve your relationship with the next generation that you personally destroyed over the years and stop trying to meddle in businesses that are mine, NOT YOURS.

That will give me room to find myself again and benefit my kids.

Please. Leave. Me. Alone.

If you learn counseling and doesn't learn to give others room and space to breath, you are just an empty vessel and deserving of what you get in return.

What else do you know that I do not? How much better are you than I?

Brag on. Continue feeding your oversized ego. Everyone you know ate flawed. You are the only perfect being. Continue worshiping yourself and leave as soon as the door opens.

Please. Leave. Me. Alone.

Self Fulfilled Prophecy

She got what she had been looking for. ER doesn't want to go to school today.

I should let her know and 顺便ask if it makes her happy now to hear tt. That was a prophecy that she had been working on to self fulfill, wasn't it?

Watercolor

AN loves to paint and it's not news.

ER likes to play with colors too.

Poster colors are easier to paint with. Watercolors required a little more 'skill'.

AN paints with watercolor.

Without that 'skill', all ER got was a wet piece of paper that dried.

Reflection of the inner person

The past 2 secretaries of the lawyer handling our Parc Centros case had been rude to begin with but after a couple of conversations (I used to enjoy sounding friendly over the phone because I hated rude callers when I worked as a customer service officer), they loosened up.

This is the 3rd one today when I called. And just as rude as the first 2.

Months ago, I would try to make the conversation friendly with "please", "appreciate your help" and "you have a good day" (assuming that work sucks for them and kind words help brighten them up a little. Didn't used to take much effort. )

Today I responded attitude with attitude. I said my piece and hung up.

This world is this hateful. Everyone expects others to be nice and I used to be that sucker.

That sucker died.

Why I HATE Her.

She has the rights to criticize me and the way I do things behind my back TO MY KIDS. And defense come in the form of words like "she's leaving soon. "

When I simply told AN in sarcasm "Mummy will buy you lots of things when I start earning lots of money", I get a good sarcastic reply as instruction to AN "go spend more time with mummy. She will earn lots of money and not have time for you soon."

Following that was a show down. In front of kids.

Needy kids demanding attention from me constantly. I need to organize not just their wardrobe but their art, Craft, books, toys and  miscellaneous.

She has the cheeks to tell AN "Your mummy is so messy" when she couldn't find ER's underwear in the drawer.

Go look into her wardrobe and tell me now neat it is. That's the ONLY thing she had to organize in this house. Plus kids don't want her.

Then come tell me who's the messy one.

Or better yet, tell my daughter. Because her grandma just told her that her mummy is messy. And because of this, AN can one day tell me "Mummy you are so messy. That's why I am."

Thanks.

And what I get as a reply is "she's already leaving."

That gives her absolute rights to damage more because she is leaving?

好。我就死心了。

I now know where I stand.

I'm full of Excuses

He'll be meeting his ex classmates tonight without me and kids.

Gatherings like these to me is just a dream.

Nice that he gets to catch up with old friends.

But I'm just a lousy friend who is always making up excuses to miss out on gatherings.

My friends believe that when I back out of any gatherings at the last minute, it's probably because I do not feel like being around. That's what his mum assumes of friends who are sole caretakers of their grandchildren. Those grandmothers sacrifice their time and friends so that their daughter/in laws continue to live like a modern day woman. So that socially they are alive. So that friends do not wonder if they died in a freak accident and no one else knew.

He has friends old and new. I lost my old ones. And making new ones is subjected to everyone's convenience.

I don't need friends. I am expected to not need friends.

When the kids are sick, when they do not have school, it doesn't bother him much. He doesn't have to stay home.

I had my first network event this morning but I have to excuse myself and weakly agree that I will be present the next time round.

So how if I'm supposed to meet clients?

The kids are no one else's responsibilities? They are only mine?

They ARE my responsibilities. So why is his mum trying to meddle?

What do you all expect from me?

When the kids act up and his mum is watching to pounce, he's having a hard time fighting fire at work. I'm having a good time negotiating with the terrorists at home and obviously I do not expect to win any any battles.

What have I stayed home for? It was a decision I made when I was young, stupid and ignorant.

Does anyone appreciate? I'm thankful AN does. Maybe ER too. But they will grow up one day and by them I'll be left to pick up my own pieces and look for friends who wonder what hidden agenda I have to be calling them up after having disappeared for so many years.

This is life. Beautiful and bright. I hope life is short just as they say.

Putting Words into His Mouth. PRACTICALLY.

ER woke up in a bad mood tis morning. He wanted to continue sleeping. I said ok. He insisted I sleep with him but I can't.

When he'sdifficult, he IS difficult. Not cute.

MIL rush into the room as he was screaming for me to lie down when I went to settle their morning stuff. He kept screaming that he wanted to me to lie down.

For odd reasons she kept asking him why he doesn't want to go to sch. He never once mentioned abt not going to school. It wasn't even about school. He wanted me to lie with him. Couldn't she hear?

For a good 10 mins she kept telling him he MUST go sch and asked him why he didn't like sch. She repeated her intentions at the already grouchy ER till he started telling her "I don't want to go to school!"

Like he replied her "I don't want to drink water" when she offered my water boy some in his very agitated state of mind.

I can't take it anymore and ask her to stop telling him to go sch. It's turning him off!!!!

He was just throwing tantrums because it's early and it doesn't even happen every morning.

He said he doesn't want to drink water when she asked too. But she didn't ask him why he doesn't want to drink????

Does it make her feel victorious of she finally gets ER to tell her he hates his school? Is that what she had been looking for? Why does it seem like she's constantly leading him into saying school sucks?

He kept repeating he didn't want to wake up. She keep asking in response, why he doesn't want to go sch. It wasn't even related.

She continued to ask if school is bad. I thought she learnt counseling? Didn't she learn that repeatedly asking "is school bad?" often enough MAKES one believe that school IS bad??????

She then ask me why he is crying. I said he wants to go back to slp. She then ask me why I won't let him.

Which one of her 2 ears did she hear me day no?! I told her he wanted me to lie with him and I couldnt. That was what pissed him. She then finally stopped  criticizing sch in front of him. Not before she had the last words "he's been like that the past few days. I don't know what happens to him in his school."

Should I challenge her? And start an argument? Or give her the last say?

I didn't want my children to hear me challenge her. GIVE HER THAT BIT OF DIGNITY IN FRONT OF THE KIDS. SOMETHING I AM DEPRIVED OF WHEN I GOT CHALLENGED RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM.

I gave her the last say. Not because I agreed with her. But because I'm a better person.

For goodness sake. She doesn't even know where his school is located. What does she know? She continues to assume she's right without even attempting to get to know his school.

I thought she was told to leave us alone?

I knew she won't.

Paperwork Settled

Took me 1.5hrs to get to SLP office in Spring Singapore. Thank goodness I dont have to be in office everyday.

Submitted copies of whatever is required and met up with Alvin. 6 weeks to getting my license to represent clients!

He'll be my direct mentor.

I was shown a presentation of the company structure and its subsidiaries. Alvin assured me that everyone in SRI5000 (in which I'll join Alvin and Serena) are very willing to help us "new recruits" learn the ropes and be independent.

It's still like a dream. I still am stuck mentally at how helpless I felt when I had Chickenpox and couldn't take the exam in May. Up till now, I still cannot believe I passed my exam and am now awaiting CEA to grant me my license.

If this is a dream, I don't want to wake up.

I'm not dying to go to work and be away from my kids. I just don't want to wake up realizing that nothing I ever worked hard for bears ideal results. It always seems like I can never do anything well no matter how hard I tried.

Failure is so part of me that success always feels like a dream. And too often, success only happens in my dreams.

I don't aim for big bucks (although I wish out loud that I do whenever I feel bitter about all that happened). But I do wish that I can find satisfaction somewhere.

With some extra allowance, I could go for upgrading courses and then continue with my makeup services. And these extras should allow for more flexibility in what I plan to spend on that I don't feel comfortable doing now on only 1 salary.

To start off,  before CEA gives me the go-ahead, I'll be attending briefings and courses conducted by the bosses to network and learn.

I'll grab whatever I can so that hopefully unimportant people and memories fall through the gaps of my fingers.

Another step closer.

Horror Story

It's been hazy this morning and while bringing the kids to school, we wondered if the Haze is back.

It didn't smell like the Haze. AN said it could be fire somewhere. Didn't smell like for either. Thank God!

On the way home after they safely reached school, I saw hundreds of construction workers waiting outside the half completed development beside ours. 2 fire rescue vehicles were parked across the road.

My heartbeat started racing in fear.

My brains said it didn't smell like fire. Or Haze.

My heart ached and I heard it pray that no one is trapped or hurt.

Our security uncle was watching the fire rescue team work.

Asked him what happened as I walked past. He smiled and said: "Fogging. Not fire."

Phew...........

"You are not the first to ask."

My heart was wrong. The brain was right. It didn't smell like fire. It was just mosquito homicide. (Just to update, there had been 6 case of dengue at our place and NEA made several trips here to check for stagnant water and on ignorant mosquito breeders).

As I walked home, this sight actually reminded me of winter! Paired with the cool weather this morning, it DOES feel like winter.

If this was really winter, how nice........

Instilling Fear

Again.

AN glanced at the mirror and looked away immediately after. She looked a little frightened.

I asked her what happened and she said her nai nai warned her not to stare at the mirror for too long because that will give her nightmares.

Seriously.

First she caused AN to fear the dark by saying that it's necessary to keep a night light on last year because it's scary to sleep in the dark. Took a while before AN would sleep without lights from my phone.

Now this.

She's scared of everything. Scared of ghosts. Scared no money. Scared of opened doors because crooks will surely enter if we don't close the door. Scared of living on ground level because there are people who work shifts to break in to houses everyday. She locks the door when she sleeps because she's scared of break ins. She's scared of yellow lights in her room and we changed it to white.

And she has to scare my daughter with her own superstitious fears (and AS MUCH AS SHE ALWAYS JUDGES SUPERSTITIOUS RELATIVES, SHE NEVER ADMITS TO BEING SUPERSTITIOUS HERSELF.)

Is living a life full of fear so fun she has to share it with my daughter?

She can be scared of the ants and I dont care but why won't she just stop there and not bring senseless fear into this House?

Should we remind her to stop spouting nonsense to the kids? I can hear her reply right now in my brains: "你们的孩子 我才不会去管。"   or  "我什么都不对 你们什么都对。"

If I can only reply her "你什么都对。是我们不会教孩子。他们应该什么都怕。相你一样。"

Microwave Brownie

AN tried making her own chocolate Brownie (tastes like steamed cake). She made it like 3 times after she got it the first time.

She doesn't eat much of it but thankfully she has a little brother who adores the cakes she made.

This is their breakfast. Made by baker AN.
It does taste good!

Potty Training: Almost There

ER is almost potty trained. 90% I'd say. And finally.

He was introduced to the potty as early as 18 months but I didn't put him on it very often. It was only during the nights that he got to sit on the potty. More of an introduction.

Along the way, I put him on it more. He sort of got it as days went by.  But with the shifting and that period when I was out the whole day studying in the library, he went prehistoric again. But he stayed dry during most nights except for some of those nights sieben he woke up  constantly asking to drink water. He's a water boy. He does wake up in the middle of the night to drink. Hehe. One of his cute habits.

Since last month, we had been putting him in underwear. He was so cute and went around showing off his underwear when he first had it on. After a few times of wetting his underwear and changing out of them that day, he got disappointed and defeatedly begged: "Ethan keep dirtying my underwear. Ethan don't want underwear anymore. I want my diapers."

That made me feel sorry for him and we assured him that was ok and I could wash the underwears.

It did get frustrating and we tried very hard not to show our frustration although I think he could feel it. His sweet jie jie would constantly remind us that he's learning and to not punish him. We have nointention of punishing him for this of course. Just that the frustration of cleaning up wet puddles so often each day and failing to catch him with full bladder does show on our face.

Yesterday was good! He started informing Mr Liow tat he needed to pee while AN and I were away.

It went on the whole day. He was dry at night. We went for a movie and he was dry throughout. This time is different and I think he finally got it. Because he almost peed a little in his underwear and was able to stop and hold while announcing that he needed to pee this morning. There is bladder control this time. And he's announcing it now. We do not have to catch him with a full bladder this time.

His pooping is still random he does inform is but not always. There are days when he would inform only after he's done and he would excitedly announced "yeah Ethan poop and Ethan tell mummy."

I feel terrible for him when he's excited about doing something right without realizing he got it wrong. My heart aches (because I picture people waiting to shame him for that mistake as he grows older. 我心痛.)

Anyway, we'll just work on that. He almost there already. Not a fast potty master but I'm still proud of him and excited!

I told him he's a big boy peeing like daddy now and he takes my word for it.

I was reminding AN to be more understanding towards what he isn't able to do very well yet because he's still little. ER heard and corrected me: "Ethan is not a little boy. Ethan a big boy already."

Aww..... he really has a way with melting my heart.

He even asked to see daddy's "birdie" during toilet time just now. Daddy said no.

Lol!

Happy Teachers' Day

"Better Than A Thousand Days Of Diligent Study Is One Day With A Great Teacher..."

Happy Teacher's Day!

My Venus and Mars

I see distinct difference between my little ones. Whether it's because they are of different gender or if it's just because they are unique in their very own ways, I can't help but appreciate them in that special way.

Sleeping Alone
AN is a dependant sleeping partner. She has to sleep extremely near me even till now (unless someone is unwell and she has to sleep with daddy). When she was younger, if she woke up without me in sight, she would sit right there on the bed and cry till I appeared. She wakes up to look for me if I'm not with her during sleeping time now but there are that few rare occasions when she still wakes up crying for me.

ER is independent. He sleeps apart from me even though I sleep right beside him. He flips all over and often ends up resting on a higher pillow. He always sleeps better when he ends up elevated. When he doesn't find me in the room, he'll usually get up and sleep walk his way to where I may be. He has his way of locating me with his eyes almost closed. The cute thing is, he doesn't forget to close the door to his room after he walks out in search for mummy.

Character
AN had never commanded me to do anything for her. She's not always will mannered but she would never tell me to do anything "now!", or sound dictative in any ways. She obeys when I'm firm with her. And she can tell when I'm ok with waiting so she takes some advantage of the situation assuming that I'm flexible with my expectation.

She comforts me when I cry. She's what Baileys and Maen used to be. I can cry into her and she pats me as I break down. She's been a very caring girl since she was a toddler. I remembered how she didn't understand why I cried one day but hugged me and told me something funny. She smiled when she saw her how made me smile. She was about 22 months then (I rmb coz it was a week before my parents came to visit us in Tucson).

Even when she's being punished or reprimanded, she wouldn't retaliate harshly. If she is not in agreement with being punished, she would at most stomp her feet and cry. And accept her punishment.

ER allows me to cry on him too. Blankly. He jokes and makes me laugh when I'm visibly upset at something he did. That's bravery coz when I'm not easily pacified when I'm angry (especially so this past year).

He loudly talks back at me when he doesn't agree with his punishment. He is vocal with his likes and dislikes. His intentions and preferences are usually clear. I can reason with him and trick him a little but being firm hardly works at getting him to listen up.

He crumbles when I announce "Do I have to be angry all the time?" recently. He's a tough one to crack. If he says no, he means it.

Thankfully he's at this age when he does things to cheer me up. He likes to make me laugh. He's a funny boy. And he has tons of cheeky behavior and expressions that he specifically stores up to use on angry mummy so that mummy isn't angry anymore. If mummy is in a TERRIBLE temper, he speaks the most useful sentence to calm me: "Mummy, I love you." Or "Mummy, Ethan's wants to hug."

There are more but I'm sleepy. I'll try to note more later on. It'll be nice to read about them and reminisce when they grow older.

:)

Another Step Completed

Photo taken.

I'll been going to the agency either tomorrow or Friday. Before that, I need to get a new number for work.

One step closer to independence.

Update

She mentioned nothing about leaving in August since that day I confronted her about the pan she never washed but had all been cooking with.

Today, she asked Mr Liow if our contractor can fix off-the-shelf cabinets for her WHEN SHE MOVES BACK IN DECEMBER.

December.  Not August anymore. And she didn't even inform me. And Mr Liow appears to know. He didn't inform me either. How cool, the mother and son team.

Like always, she decides. She doesn't need to inform because she's Empress. I empathize with the fact that her tenants can only move in December. But to date she still hasn't learnt to respect owners of the House she's currently staying in, enough to notify change of plans.

Oh wait. I'm not the owner of this House. No wonder she sees no need in respecting me.

I forgot. I'm just a nobody. Why should anyone inform me anything? I forgot.  I just need to swallow it all. Sorry. I forgot.

Diary of Sick Children

I should start a blog solely to keep records their medical history......

Anyway.

Sunday:
We brought ER to hospital because he had fever on Saturday night, middle of his sleep. He was 40.1°C.

I gave him Bifen on Sunday at 6am but his fever didn't go down enough by 9am. It was 38.3°C. We brought him to KKH.

There, he was given 1st, 10 puffs of ventolin (compared to the usual 4 in most serious case), another exhaler which I can't recall its name, paracetamol and Prednisolone.

After that 1st session, we had to wait half hour each time before ER received the puffs a second and third time again in maximum dosage.

Fever peaked at 39.4°c despite  paracetamol so I was given a sponging kit.

By noon, Dr allowed us to return home after ER's wheezing improved and especially after his oxygen level returned to normal. She prescribed Amoxicilin after noticing something les than normal from his x-Ray.

Monday:
He was well without fever. We kept him at home to rest and medicate.

Tuesday (today)
He went to school happily and back.

Everything was back to normal. Till I woke him from his nap. He was still sleepy so I allowed him to continue resting in the living room. He felt warm. Took temperature. Fever AGAIN. 38.3°C.

WT......

AND HE THREW UP TWICE SINCE THEN.

What is wrong??????

He's still on tonnes of medications from KKH. And I already stopped giving Asumalife. Is he having Stomach Flu or had something nasty?

From AN or from food?

When will this be over?

It's been 4 months since the start of this on-going battle.

When will it end?

Every Time

Everytime my kids demands attention by crying, the first thing that comes to mind is: "Shut up! That person is watching, listening and waiting to pass judgement and gossip about what a lousy mum I make."

Her presence has crippled me so tremendously that I simply cannot function. I don't live to please her. My kids are my responsibility. I should just ignore her.

Maybe. Maybe the day I find some guts within my cowardly self to shout at her to mind her own business. Maybe that's when my logical sense will resurrect.

He said he told her to leave us alone to discipline our kids.

It just didn't occur to him that in my opinion, she won't leave us alone without giving a glare or remark. Even if that glare or remark is imaginary, SHE MADE ME IMAGINE IT. Because she did it. Because images of whatever happened  in the years of relating to her HAUNT ME.

Some nightmares take time to recover from. I'm still living in my nightmare. So don't expect me to be logical, calm and normal.

If you think I've gone mad, so be it.

I'm no longer normal and I dont know what I am already.

And I don't care anymore.

You continue to act like a benevolent grandma. Only a hypocrite can speak words of wisdom like she practices it when SHE NEVER DID WHEN SHE WAS CARETAKER OF YOUNG CHILDREN.

I wish you out of my life. The sooner the better.

And I rather work harder at washing and cleaning than to open my mouth to take to you, asking for your help.

She who quotes my friction with my mum against me didn't realise that my relationship with my mum is still strong. Unlike her with her daughter's. My mum helps without expecting anything. And I would spend time with my mum over lunch and shopping. And I won't chase my mum away. Neither will my mum criticize my achievements.

Between us, there's LOTS OF friction and mutual respect and understanding.

That's like nothing she will understand.

She couldn't even handle her own relationship with her own daughter, she should just mind her own business and stop meddling mine. She should be busy with her own problem.

You want to judge me? See how blameless you are before even attempting.