Another Step Completed

Photo taken.

I'll been going to the agency either tomorrow or Friday. Before that, I need to get a new number for work.

One step closer to independence.

Update

She mentioned nothing about leaving in August since that day I confronted her about the pan she never washed but had all been cooking with.

Today, she asked Mr Liow if our contractor can fix off-the-shelf cabinets for her WHEN SHE MOVES BACK IN DECEMBER.

December.  Not August anymore. And she didn't even inform me. And Mr Liow appears to know. He didn't inform me either. How cool, the mother and son team.

Like always, she decides. She doesn't need to inform because she's Empress. I empathize with the fact that her tenants can only move in December. But to date she still hasn't learnt to respect owners of the House she's currently staying in, enough to notify change of plans.

Oh wait. I'm not the owner of this House. No wonder she sees no need in respecting me.

I forgot. I'm just a nobody. Why should anyone inform me anything? I forgot.  I just need to swallow it all. Sorry. I forgot.

Diary of Sick Children

I should start a blog solely to keep records their medical history......

Anyway.

Sunday:
We brought ER to hospital because he had fever on Saturday night, middle of his sleep. He was 40.1°C.

I gave him Bifen on Sunday at 6am but his fever didn't go down enough by 9am. It was 38.3°C. We brought him to KKH.

There, he was given 1st, 10 puffs of ventolin (compared to the usual 4 in most serious case), another exhaler which I can't recall its name, paracetamol and Prednisolone.

After that 1st session, we had to wait half hour each time before ER received the puffs a second and third time again in maximum dosage.

Fever peaked at 39.4°c despite  paracetamol so I was given a sponging kit.

By noon, Dr allowed us to return home after ER's wheezing improved and especially after his oxygen level returned to normal. She prescribed Amoxicilin after noticing something les than normal from his x-Ray.

Monday:
He was well without fever. We kept him at home to rest and medicate.

Tuesday (today)
He went to school happily and back.

Everything was back to normal. Till I woke him from his nap. He was still sleepy so I allowed him to continue resting in the living room. He felt warm. Took temperature. Fever AGAIN. 38.3°C.

WT......

AND HE THREW UP TWICE SINCE THEN.

What is wrong??????

He's still on tonnes of medications from KKH. And I already stopped giving Asumalife. Is he having Stomach Flu or had something nasty?

From AN or from food?

When will this be over?

It's been 4 months since the start of this on-going battle.

When will it end?

Every Time

Everytime my kids demands attention by crying, the first thing that comes to mind is: "Shut up! That person is watching, listening and waiting to pass judgement and gossip about what a lousy mum I make."

Her presence has crippled me so tremendously that I simply cannot function. I don't live to please her. My kids are my responsibility. I should just ignore her.

Maybe. Maybe the day I find some guts within my cowardly self to shout at her to mind her own business. Maybe that's when my logical sense will resurrect.

He said he told her to leave us alone to discipline our kids.

It just didn't occur to him that in my opinion, she won't leave us alone without giving a glare or remark. Even if that glare or remark is imaginary, SHE MADE ME IMAGINE IT. Because she did it. Because images of whatever happened  in the years of relating to her HAUNT ME.

Some nightmares take time to recover from. I'm still living in my nightmare. So don't expect me to be logical, calm and normal.

If you think I've gone mad, so be it.

I'm no longer normal and I dont know what I am already.

And I don't care anymore.

You continue to act like a benevolent grandma. Only a hypocrite can speak words of wisdom like she practices it when SHE NEVER DID WHEN SHE WAS CARETAKER OF YOUNG CHILDREN.

I wish you out of my life. The sooner the better.

And I rather work harder at washing and cleaning than to open my mouth to take to you, asking for your help.

She who quotes my friction with my mum against me didn't realise that my relationship with my mum is still strong. Unlike her with her daughter's. My mum helps without expecting anything. And I would spend time with my mum over lunch and shopping. And I won't chase my mum away. Neither will my mum criticize my achievements.

Between us, there's LOTS OF friction and mutual respect and understanding.

That's like nothing she will understand.

She couldn't even handle her own relationship with her own daughter, she should just mind her own business and stop meddling mine. She should be busy with her own problem.

You want to judge me? See how blameless you are before even attempting.

Never Recovering

ER had fever few weeks ago. Then AN had fever. And then back to ER.

It was all about the puking last weekend coupled with fever for AN.

Then both took turns at coughing violently since Wednesday. They have never fully recovered from the coughing and sneezing (AN since May and ER since June).

And guess what? ER is having fever. Again.

够了吧, 你什么烂病。。。。到底有完没完?  

Edited to add:

Given him Bifen.

Minutes later he weakly announced: "Mummy, Ethan's having fever. Ethan had medicine. Feeling better now. Thank you mummy (for) giving Ethan medicine....."

Few can imagine how much those words soothed a bruised spirit......

Just keep spiraling down.

Seems like I'm spiraling down somewhere dark and scary and no one will go with me.

The daily duties and responsibilities.  Do they keep me alive or kill me further?

The eyes who stare at her tv and phone the whole damn day but ears perked to catch me at my weakest with kids. She's all ready to judge.

And the most innocent furkids who always lift me up, I actually gave them up.

WHY DID I GIVE UP MY MOST PRECIOUS ONES IN EXCHANGE FOR A LIFE THAT I WISH I CAN JUST DIE SO THAT EVERYTHING ENDS? ??????

WHY AM I MISERABLE? WHY AM I SUCH A WEAKLING?

The Cheeky Shaving Baby