Expecting too Much (Warning: Negative thoughts)

Reality is, because no one is perfect, it's no crime to not even attempt to be kind in the first place.

Since I left the bed at 10am, I didn't stop working. I mopped the sticky floor (again, again and again), hung clothes that had been washed in the machine overnight up to dry, did some laundry by hand, brushed AN's teeth, made milk for her, cleared BM's output in the toilet, had breakfast (I shouldn't have because I wasn't hungry anyway), prepared and fed ER his breakfast and then bathed both human kiddos.

That was after 10am.

Before that, AN threw up 3 times last night. The first time she did, it was coz she coughed too violently and she regurgitated. That was about 2 am. At 4plus and then 6 plus am, she woke up complaining of nausea, and then threw up both times.

Because we didn't get to the toilet in time, all 3 times she threw up on something. I had to wash her pillow and cover after the first puking incident, then clean up the mattress after the 4am episode. Lastly, she tried to keep it in but her vomit erupted before we reached the toilet, so part of the bed got it again, and some of the yucky stuff dripped on the floor as I rushed her to the toilet. So it was more cleaning up after I tucked her back in. She had no diarrhoea though, so we're suspecting it could be due to the Klacid. Something tells me the dosage is not very correct because it is so much thicker this time. According to the official website, AN is supposed to take 90mg/5ml (according to her weight) but the prescribed dosage is 125mg/5ml. Does anyone know if the throwing up could be due to the excess amount that she had gotten? Also it could be that she had nothing before we fed her the medicine, thus the nausea. Which of these suspicions make more sense??

Anyway, because we were supposed to meet Shiyun and family this afternoon, Mr Liow patiently waited while I did all these stuff. I tried to make it fast but time just slipped away, not just today, but every other day! Before I know it, it was past lunch at almost 1pm.

I changed, changed the kids, and then we left the house. By the time we got to their place, it was almost 2 pm. Shiyun wondered why we haven't had lunch. My husband told her: "because she (pointing to me) kept dilly-dallying."

Me? Dilly dally? I had not had time to even sleep at night, got up and worked non stop. To him, I was dilly dallying. The last time he complained I took too long to put on makeup, I told him I will never doll myself up again, when I go out with him. I'm sick of fighting, seriously. Since I was a bother, I shall stop being one.

But this whole morning's duties seem to mean rubbish to him as well eh?

When we got back home, the fan was on. I am very very sure I did switch it off before I left home. I used my toe to press the off button because I was carrying ER and wasn't able to bend low enough. He asked: "You didn't switch the fan off?" I was agitated by then because I was expecting him to point finger at me for the fan that wasn't switched off as it was supposed to be.

"I DID! I REMEMBER VERY CLEARLY I USED MY TOE TO TURN IT OFF."

He then sarcastically commented: "Then the fan must have turned itself on again." He could be joking but really, it's not funny at all to be described as dilly dallying first, and now accused of not turning the fan off WHEN I DID!

Am so pissed off. Ignored him while I mopped the floor again (yes, once before we left home, and once after we return...I'm getting sick of all these work...really sick...and not just of all these work. I'm sick of being MAID, unappreciated MAID!!!) and I couldn't help wanting to pick a quarrel. I told him I was offended by his sarcasm. Does he need to resort to this? He insisted he didn't say anything wrong, that the fan was really not turned off.

"So I must be stupid then." I replied. Because I did try to turn it off but failed to. I'm so stupid I can't even turn the fan off.

He said he didnt' mean it. Then how am I supposed to interpret those words: "The fan must have turned itself on." He said it could be that I forgot. Then why couldn't he just suggested that I forgot. Was it more clear to say: "It's ok, maybe it slipped your mind." to clearly tell me that he thinks I probably forgot. Or were those words about the fan turning itself on more clear and appropriate? Really? Then I must be even more stupid to not get the drift..or rather, get it wrong.

Here we are, teaching AN gracious speech, getting upset that she's starting to point fingers too more and more these day ("why is my shoe not in the right place???", "I said this is supposed to be here. You don't know huh??") and there us adults don't even know how to speak to each other kindly.

The grandma blames us for being late, for not picking up calls, not a word of thanks for picking her up from the airport, not a word of kindness. The father sees what I had been doing the whole morning as something he probably could have done in 15minutes. Really? 15 mins to do all these?

So, the mother learns, that since it's so hard for that little seedling of kindness to grow in this family, she should consider pulling it out. Let it die. Why be kind? No one will be kind to you. In the grandma's words: "the world is this cruel. you don't like me to call you stupid, but others out there will. then how will you react? will you be able to take it if someone else calls u stupid then?"

Isn't it clear? We do not need to be kind to each other because we need to train AN to handle monsters out there when she grows up. Maybe it's not such a bad idea too, to train her to be a monster herself.

I'm not going to try be nice anymore. For what? If family can't even show kindness to each other, how much more the world out there?

What's all these values that I'm trying to teach AN? They aren't worth a cent. Maybe I should just shut up and only retaliate in defiance when I feel my toes being stepped on. No point being kind, not even to people you used to think of as family.

I used to see my family as loving. I must be blind for a long time, or is something affecting me? What can that be?

footnote: sigh....after thinking it through, I shall not stoop to that level and become a joke like that tyrannical grandma of AN. Every time I remember her unreasonable behaviors, I can't help but want to behave like that to show her how ugly she is (also to remind my hubby how unbearable his mum is becoming). One hater on my previous blog said I brought out the worst in her. Seriously, I too have someone who brings out the worst in me...and she happens to be relate to me. How lucky can I be?