Random things they say

ER: "Mummy I smell sai sai (poop)."

Me: "Is it you? Did you poop or fart?"

ER: "Not me. I didn't!"

I didn't smell anything.

Me: "Or is it mummy's mouth? You smell?"

ER sniffed and smiled: "Oops. Sorry. It's your mouth."

-_______-"

_____________________________________________________________

Their school started charging GST for school fees since last year and there had already been an increase in fees for the additional enrichment classes in school at the same time last year. When I saw on AN's payment slip that GST is also being collected on the enrichment class she is going for, I wondered out loud why.

Me: "Huh...GST for speech and drama too?"

AN: "Mummy I think I don't want to go for speech and drama already."

Me: "Why? You enjoy it so much! And you like Ms Sun too right?"

AN: "Because it's getting expensive. And you have to pay the what-what-T?"

Me: "GST?"

AN: "Ya."

She had been asking to do the snack craft thing every weekend and it's not cheap (not to mention, not very healthy). And she likes having sushi after music classes. And she enjoys doing craft-y stuff that I cannot stop buying for her because I enjoy doing craft work too (and watching her skillful fingers at work).

These additional expenses are what we can do without. We have more and more financial commitments now and so I told her that we cannot splurge on things that we do not need.

I told her that we may be able afford a little more once I start working again but for now, we just have to watch what we spend on.

I'm surprised that she remembers what I said about not spending on unnecessary stuff and thinks that the additional GST is a burden.

I assured her that the GST is just a tiny bit more and moreover I'll check with the teachers because it may have been a mistake (which turned out to be an overlook by the school afterall).

My girl is growing up but still as sweet.

My Angel

A series of events with the empress occurred since morning and by now I'm drained. So drained that I broke down.

Earlier on, my sweet AN tried to help me control the wild boy and his nonsensical requests. Even to the extent of giving him something her friend gave her that she had been excited about because he insisted on having it, just so that he stops throwing tantrums.

Her grandma bought them each 2 packets of snacks, while they are currently still coughing. And she personally passed it to them.

AN knew for sure that it's a no-no till they recover and passed hers to me. ER insisted on having the Lotte cream biscuit which I obviously wouldn't allow. He then asked to have a stick of Oreo wafer and I unwillingly allowed, for peace's sake. I then went to hide all those snacks.

The grandma came out and saw him eating. Then she asked: "You shouldn't be eating now. You are still coughing."

I had to hold myself back from retorting her.

I really try so so so so hard.

It all came out in tears as we lie down for their nap.

My sweet sweet Angel is comforting me as I'm writing (I have to release steam somewhere, don't I?).

She hugged and kissed me and had been rubbing my arm (she's dozing off now. I can feel her movement softening). As she was rubbing me, she soothingly repeated: "sshhh... mummy it's Ok. I love you Ok mummy?"

She then coaxed me to stop by warning me that I'll grow old fast if I continue crying.

This is not easy. Why is someone else tougher to handle than my own children?

This is only 1 out of the lot of stuff today.

It's never going to end. You seriously believe she's leaving? It will not end even IF she does ultimately move out.

You just don't see it!

You just DON'T. My daughter does. She feels my struggle. She's my only salvation from depression.

The Worthless Judge

ER had been waking up screaming in the middle of the night lately. Better the last 2 nights but tonight the terror returned.

Twice I woke up in a night.

And twice the self proclaimed judge came out to watch the drama.

Just so that she can once again judge me. It must be because of my failure to choose the right disciplinary method. Or my fault that he's been screaming middle of the night these days.

She's going to call her gossip monger friends in pretense of being concerned about our well being. She's going to play Saint and comment that children under her care were cheerful Angels.

I have another paper tomorrow. Taken 1 today. I hope I just drop dead all of a sudden one of these days.

Life is really meaningless.

I don't even know what I'm breathing for.

Kinderclinic

Both AN and ER had been coughing and dripping mucus for a long time. Since its ER's checkup-vaccination appointment today, we brought both kids to see Dr Lee.

Ethan

He's 11kg and 93cm. He's finally growing! Apparently the Flixotide had a part in holding back his growth. Imagine a 2 year old's weight drop from 10.6kg to 10.1kg and remained that little for the next 6 months.

He's been eating so much that Krislyn commented he should not still be that skinny with his dinosaur appetite. My mum fears he'll get indigestion from constantly eating. I'm just happy to offer him food. Yet despite that, his weight still went below that 3% line on the chart.

He's finally back on 3%. Still tiny but he's growing and that's what matters.

He got his last MMRV Jab and this completes his long list of vaccination since birth. We received his vaccination cert too.

Boys are boys. Really tough! Before Dr Lee jabbed him, I tried to distract him by discussing the package of 2 candies he got from her. He was so engrossed observing those candies that when Dr Lee pushed the needle into his thighs, all he did was frowned at her when he felt the pain. He probably thought she accidentally pinched him and went back to being concerned over his candies.

He doesn't need Flixotide for his persistent cough and runny nose anymore (Dr knows I'm not keen and she's supportive since he's been doing well despite this virus attack after having been weaned off Flixotide.)

He'll be on Asumalife and Singular for 2 weeks and I am to call Dr Lee for further instructions. If he recovers from it totally, there won't be any need for further medication.

Adrielle

Her cough-flu symptoms had been bothering her for a long time, since early May! She recovered a little later on but before she fully recovered, the symptoms returned.

And she's been blinking her eyes, claiming they itch.

Dr Lee said it's all signs of allergic reaction. Unlike ER who constantly suffers from lower tract infection, AN is more bothered by her upper tract.

Her treatment is almost similar to ER's with the additional nasal spray. I'll have to call in 2 weeks to update Dr Lee and she'll advise me on what to do next.

And I was given AN's original vaccination cert today. No wonder I was asked if I wanted the vaccination cert back during the Primary One registration. Didn't even know I was supposed to receive something like that and I printed hers from online.

We've gotten a bigger air purifier for the kids (in all readiness to protect them should the haze return due to the recent increase in number of hotspots in Indonesia). Been using it for 2 nights. It does seem to help them sleep better. I can't tell if they were recovering anyway or if it was the purifier's credit.

I am almost sure it's not because the kids these days are too protected, leading them to fall sick easily.

It must be the increased pollution. Toxic rain, toxic air. How is a mini human supposed to be immuned to toxicity? Constant exposure to toxins immunes them?

I rather protect them.

The Music of the Night

This Erik is so charming....

3rd Tooth Going

Collin Raye - Love, Me

I read a note my grandma wrote back in nineteen twenty-three.

Grandpa kept it in his coat, and he showed it once to me. He said,

"Boy, you might not understand, but a long, long time ago,

Grandma's daddy didn't like me none, but I loved your Grandma so."

We had this crazy plan to meet and run away together.

Get married in the first town we came to, and live forever.

But nailed to the tree where we were supposed to meet, instead

Of her, I found this letter, and this is what it said:

If you get there before I do, don't give up on me.

I'll meet you when my chores are through;

I don't know how long I'll be.

But I'm not gonna let you down, darling wait and see.

And between now and then, till I see you again,

I'll be loving you. Love, me.

I read those words just hours before my Grandma passed away,

In the doorway of a church where me and Grandpa stopped to pray.

I know I'd never seen him cry in all my fifteen years;

But as he said these words to her, his eyes filled up with tears.

If you get there before I do, don't give up on me.

I'll meet you when my chores are through,

I don't know how long I'll be.

But I'm not gonna let you down, darling wait and see.

And between now and then, till I see you again,

I'll be loving you. Love, me.

Between now and then, till I see you again,

I'll be loving you. Love, me.

Then and Now

Met up with the OCS gang and their family. Not just us young people anymore but with kids in tow. Each of us desperately trying to catch up but distracted by our own little ones.

Ended up with no pictures of the Chengs.

Some one suggested a picture of the kids before the Ngs left too. Probably after realizing that there had been no group photos taken, or at least some, of the kids.

I realized we had something similar of AN and KJ. These were taken more than 3 years apart.

The next time we meet, we really must take pictures! There's K who's so big now and super adorable Ash. Mr Liow has plans to kidnap this one. Hehe.

Why Shekinah?

Last week was bad. ER cried when I left him in school every morning.

He pleaded that I bring him into the classroom on Friday. I did after explaining to him that I had to leave right after walking him in.

AN and I walked him to the breakfast table but he wanted me to have breakfast with him. Thank goodness Miss Sue was around and I was surprised he willingly opened his arms for her to carry him when she asked if he needed a hug. Usually, when his attention is locked onto me, no one can take him away. Not even Mr Liow.

MIL had been questioning me on how I know the teachers in this school can be trusted. She thinks it has something to do with him being neglected in school that caused him to cry more than usual (I flare up more easily these days BECAUSE OF HER CONSTANT INTERFERENCE TOO. I'm sure that's affecting him. But who's going to help us? Nobody. She's coming and going as she pleases and no. She's never the cause of bad things that happen.)

She kept asking me last week after she read of the teacher pushing the kid to the ground if I could be sure my kids aren't being abused. To be honest, I can't be sure if I could trust the teachers when I chose this school. How did she trust the schools his nieces were in anyway?

Was she ever sure herself? Did she request and get to watch daily videos of school activities from day to evening? Don't question me if you hadn't been that sure yourself.

What matters is that AN enjoys herself and I can see passion in the teachers over the years. I can also see frustrations in the teachers when the kids do not behave. The kids get reprimanded for being rowdy like how one gets it from a regular mummy.

What assures me most is the communication I get with the teachers regarding my concerns.

AN's account of punishment method is in sync with the teachers' when I asked (even before this recent incident): for the kindergarten children, they get taken into the office if they repeatedly commit the same offence. I then worry about child abuse behind closed doors but AN said the 2  principals are in the office. So I'm relieved. At least I trust that even if the principals do not care for the kids, they care for the school's reputation and will not resort to violence or allow it.

And I'm touched when Miss Ivy told me once during PTM when I voiced out that AN loses focus very easily, that Miss Sue is worried that Adrielle will have problems in Primary school because of that too.

The teachers discuss about the students and them worrying for my child is something I find precious as a mum when I put my little ones in the hands of strangers.

I don't know how to explain to mil when she asks and I won't bother. My answer is simple "I have no proof that they do not abuse my kids".

At the very least, these teachers know my children better than she does. At the very least, I trust her teachers more than her, for apparent reasons.

That's how I chose Shekinah. That, she doesn't need to know.

P.S: ER went to school happily today and even gave me a goodbye muack.

Violent Coughing

AN'S cough is getting worse every night. It was more terrible last night than the night before and she's coughing just as violently now, if not worse!

It gets on my nerves to be constantly disturbed out of my sleep each time I doze off. But I know it's unreasonable to get upset at my coughing child even though the negative feeling just comes on so naturally.

So I gathered the kids to pray before sleep a while ago. I've not been praying for some time because I'm afraid I'll hear the Lord's instructions for me to submit to my current situation and I have enough of being taken advantage of.

For the kids I prayed.

AN is still coughing violently beside me now.

What else can I do? AN had been unwell more than she's well this year. ER had been better than last year even though he's also almost constantly sick. At the very least, he didn't have to suffer breathlessness from Bronchitis as much as last year.

Seriously, I hate you cold and flu viruses. You just never seem to leave us alone. Don't you have other people to torture? Won't you leave my kids alone for once and just let them recover?

免得奶奶被他们感染到. If the grandma falls sick, she'll conveniently have my kids to blame.

Night Terror or Sick????

He is still coughing and dripping mucus. It's been a month. When will be recover???

That's not all.

He's been waking up screaming in the middle of the night since Monday. Not once nightly but so often I lost count. He would wake up screaming for some random toy that he wanted me to find at 2am, then 4am, then shortly before they both wake up for school.

AN'S cough got better before it is starting to get worse again. AN had been coughing since end of April, sometimes sounding like she had recovered before the annoying cough would come back. I can't even tell if she did recover or not.

Why are they not recovering??????????

And I'm being questioned over how I discipline my children. They are exceptionally tough lately. My lack of sleep isn't doing me any good.

Her unwelcomed comments do not help either.

And Mr Liow had been on course for this whole month so I'm solely responsible for preparing 2 sleepy kids for school, out of whom one is extremely difficult because he is now starting to hate school (except for toys morning, the first morning this week that he went in happily). Even when he didn't hate school, he is an angry one to rouse out of dreamland.

The kids drive me up the wall, give me no sleep, she's still here to haunt me and the man is out of the house every day even before I wake the kids up.

Like it is  every single time when they are sick, I feel so alone battlibg everything on my own at night.

And randomly find dirty utensils or dangerous items (medicated creams, nail clipper etc) lying in full view of my kids just kill me more.

As if I don't have enough.

I still have to ensure my home (wrong. Not me. I'm just a tenant.) is safe for the kids.

The tantrums. And then the interference when we discipline.

Let's see how strong I am before I crumble.

My husband says she's leaving. As if that's end of story.

He doesn't see how badly damaged I already am over this period. Or maybe he's keeping silent because he doesn't want to say the wrong thing. Or maybe he's tired. Maybe he's overwhelmed too.

Maybe.

Maybe?!

Maybe by then I'm already gone and things return to their old peaceful self again.

What is sleep? When was the last time I was victorious because I was protected against this intruder in my life and everything I used to care for?

I'm just really unimportant. Like the many maids who came to work for his sister and left.

The only difference is we have a marriage contract and offspring obligations. The huge responsibility that crushes me knowing my children need to vent their tantrums on me. They cannot do without me.

Otherwise I'm dispensable.

So, what does that make me?

Bling Bling

AN'S new project: To beautify her belongings with Bling.

My phone was first, followed by her music book.

5 Things to Know About Raising Introverted Children

5 Things to Know About Raising Introverted Children

http://parentingfromscratch.wordpress.com/2012/07/12/things-to-know-about-introverted-children/

July 12, 2012 at 6:31 am (General)

Wouldn’t it be nice to directly establish social expectations right from the start of a relationship? “Hi my name is Kelly, and I’m an introvert.” This would be my introduction of choice, except that it seems as though I’m admitting to some sort of malfunction. Plus it’s slightly awkward.

I also have an introverted child, and I’m trying to raise her to know that being reserved is not any kind of malfunction. She should be confident in who she is and not think she has to change in order to fit in to this chatty, busy, extroverted world. The best thing I can do for her is to show her that I understand; I know where she’s coming from, and I know what she needs.

If you also have an introverted child, here are some things to understand in meeting their needs:

1. Introverted kids energize by being alone. 
Some people unwind and recharge by connecting with a group of friends or going out. Not so with introverts. When they have had a busy, stimulating, or stressful day, they need alone time. Not down time, as in a low-key get together at home with family or friends, but alone time. Singular and solitary. And it’s not a like, as in, “I’d like to be alone now,” it’s a NEED. Introverted kids need time to process the activities, interactions, conversations, information, and their emotions from the day. This is a giant stress release, and not getting it is treacherous for an introvert’s psyche.

DO: Work in some time every day in which your introverted child is not engaging with anyone else. This may be alone in their bedroom or playroom, or it may be in the same room as you while you take a nap or read a book. Alone time can be together if there is no engagement with the child.

DON’T: Insist that your child should talk to you as soon as you notice a problem or stressful situation. He won’t be able to clarify his thoughts until he spends time alone with them. “How was your day at school?” is much more effectively asked after a child has a quiet car ride home or spends an hour climbing trees.

2. Introverted kids don’t like small talk (especially with strangers). 
This does not mean they’re shy. It means: 
1) they like to skip meaningless chit chat and just stick to the important stuff, and 
2) they like to develop a relationship with someone before they talk about important things. Introverts need to develop a connection with someone before they’ll talk comfortably. There must be a trust that that person will listen, a trust that she’ll understand, a trust that the child will be taken seriously. This leads to being cautious in getting to know new people which looks like “shyness.” (This is what I notice in AN when she communicates more with some and less with others even though its the same group we meet all the time or with a random stranger. It's the trust.)

DO: If  you’re introducing your introverted child to a person with whom a relationship is important to develop, aim for creating a connection first. Be the bridge between the friend and the child; when he feels safe, he will come over.

DON’T: Announce introverted children as shy, and don’t make them “perform” small talk. It really does feel like a performance and create stress.

3. Introverted kids process their feelings internally. 
You may not be aware of what a child is feeling because she doesn’t wear her emotions on her sleeve.

Just to compare: an extroverted child takes in stimuli and turns it right back out at the world. A disagreement with a friend? Loud angry words right back atcha. An exciting ride at the fair? Boisterous chatter, laughter, shouting. Enjoying a great movie? Vibrant narrations and commentary throughout.

By contrast, introverts take in stimuli and retain it; they toss it about for a while to decide what they think and how to respond. Sometimes sensory input may be too much for an introverted child’s internal processor and may have nowhere to go but out. Overstimulation appears in the form of an outburst that may seem random or misplaced. But it’s really too much emotional turmoil that has built up and for which there is no more room inside.

DO: Understand that your introverted child’s feelings may not be obvious. To help with communication, give kids outlets for expression like journaling, art, or lots of time for free play with toys and characters. (At our house, we also like pounding nails into a stump!)

DON’T: Assume that because an introverted child is not having an outburst that she’s “fine.” A tantrum is simply the final straw for an introvert; it’s what happens where there is no more room for stress inside. When they occur, accept them wholly and be available to listen reflectively.

 

4. Introverted kids prefer play dates to play groups. 
One-on-one encounters allow people to get to know each other much more deeply, which is the kind of interaction introverts crave. I would venture to say that the deeper levels of relationship only occur in one-on-one encounters, introvert or not; that it is impossible to truly get to know a person when you’re always in the presence of others. But for introverts, single-friend play dates are less stimulating than being in a large group of activity and are more conducive to meaningful conversation. This is an introvert’s need that balances out their other need for alone time.

DO: Opt for play dates with a single friend or family over large groups of kids and parents. Keep birthday parties small and intimate. Help your introvert develop a few close friendships rather than a variety of acquaintances.

DONT: Assume that being a social butterfly is akin to happiness for your introvert. The more people they encounter, the harder it is for them to process the interactions and enjoy the time with everyone.

5. Introverted kids enjoy activities that allow their minds to wander. 
Any opportunity to think, pretend, get creative, solve problems, day dream or otherwise get inside their head is welcome. Great introverted activities include reading, writing, sketching, jump rope, roller skating, fishing, painting, bike rides, gardening, playing catch, swimming, hiking, swinging, climbing trees, puzzles…the list goes on.

DO: Support and encourage your child’s natural interests. Be open about what those might be.

DON’T: Insist on participating in group activities for the purpose of social skills or teamwork. While it’s true that team sports do have a lot of value, not participating is not automatically a detriment. There are so many ways for a child to assert her talent, learn new skills, and develop her strengths.

Every breath gets harder

I'm suffocating. But no one will deliver me.

Wonder why?

There had been increasingly more reports of suicide cases.

There are those who wonder why these people took their lives.

Because the world sucks. Because they are made the lowest lifeforms in their environment. Because no one bothers how they feel. Because even if anyone cares, no one can do anything to rescue then from what's happening in their lives.

Because there is simply no point in living.

Because life just sucks.

And life does.

Who's going to care if just another human disappears. In fact, some other people will probably find convenience in the exit of another.

Is it that hard to understand why anyone will long for the day of relief from sickening shit that happened or is constantly happening?

It's really not that hard. In fact, that's the easiest and cheapest way out.

Playing children

It's kind of rare that they play happily with each other these days.

ER is less cheerful than before and quite defensive. AN too struggles with being gentle with a rough boy.

Rare moments must be captured. :)

Enrolled

I called in this morning to see if our application to get AN into St. Hilda's was successful and was told I'm the 5th from phase 2A(1) to call in.

We were supposed to be informed that results will only be out AFTER 11 July, not ON that date.

There may be balloting if applicants from 2A(1) didn't submit any documents on registration day and there are too many from 2A(2)applying. In this case, 2A(1) applicants may need to be picked in fairness even when there had been initial priority.

I was advised to wait till Thursday before calling in again if I still do not receive the letter.

And then in the evening, Mr Liow came home with IT!

AN will be attending my old school.

MiL was surprised I got AN in with 2A(1). She insisted we live out of 2km from the school and she couldn't believe that 2A(1) works better than knowing 'Catherine'.

Yeah. Didn't need her 'help' a single bit.

I'm feeling smug. Because we got what she was pretty sure we wouldn't be able to get without some internal 'help' by her. 

If not St. Hilda's, North VISTA is next on our list. Still no need for her help. 

Spirit of Anger

No matter how carefree I felt whenever I'm out of this house, the moment I step in, I become angry again.

I have not an ounce of patience or love and I don't actually care that I'm nonchalant.

Nobody cares about how I feel so why should I be sensitive and kind? I must protect myself and not let my guard down.

I must not start to soften. I'm not going to be taken advantage of. If I have to shout I will. I'm sick of trying to be gentle in speech and manners when that's just giving others convenience to take advantage of me.

No I'm not that stupid.

This environment is a constant reminder that the fittest survive. If you don't defend yourself, no one will defend you.

The kids? They'll learn.

Orchard

Ah girl joined us at Plaza Singapura in the afternoon yesterday for AN's music class. And then we walked to Far East to collect some of her stuff.

It was a nice walk! Been decades since I walked the streets of Orchard! I rarely go to Orchard and even if we do, we usually remain in the mall where he parked the car (Mr Liow doesn't like to walk through crowded and hot places).

AN was great trying to keep up but I can understand it was quite a distance for the Princess who has almost never walked that much. She was in Princess shoes too (not friendly for brisk walking). She asked to be carried when we  were almost there and I obliged.

And this was my first time shopping with Ah girl in ages too! We didn't really 'shop' but getting there was almost it. Hehe.

Once Miss Lim decides the kids are settled enough to attend lessons on their own, Ah girl promises she'll come shop with me.

Right, Lcy?

(^_____^)

P.s: The pictures are all from the same source but I posted so many coz I like all the effects.  Hehe.

Gummy land

This tastes good. Nicely sweet unlike Neru Neru.

Baileys

In the storybook, you would be going to school like any human kid.

In real life, you will never become human.

Are you sleeping? You better be. It's late. I love you baby.

Superman

Ethan MUST listen to the theme song from the movie "Superman" before he sleeps every night!

He was sick, sleepy and cranky but refused to sleep just minutes ago. I wasn't going to let him out of the room so he requested Superman song again. Less than a minute later, it lulled him into dreamland once again.

He really loves that Superman theme song and can recognize it even in fragments.

*Phew*

I had really been worried when he started singing songs from Disney Princesses before this.

Clay

She really enjoys working with her hands and fingers. 

I'm impressed by the little baby. It's tiny and she managed to make it look like a baby. That some fine motor skill she possesses. 

Neru Neru Snack

Another snack she made. 

This was duper sweet. Tooooooo sweet! So sweet that she didn't take more than 3 scoops. 

I asked if she was turned off  by its sweetness because I was *shudders* but she said no. 

My girl has the gift of giving politically correct and mummy-pleasing replies. She said: "It's sweet and I like sweet things but I know it will make me sick if i eat too much so I make myself stop."

Erm.... Ok. 

Sick Baby

ER had been having runny nose for about a week now and then the fever hit him on Wednesday.

Took him to see the GP and Dr said his airway sounds a little tight. He suggested I continue with the Flixotide puff for 2 weeks (2 puffs twice daily) or till his cough subsides before 'weaning' him (2 puff once daily).

I'll probably not start him on Flixotide again (tough choice. I welcome suggestions!) He's been on it for at least 9 months and long term use affects growth. I see that happening because he was 10.6kg in September but his weight has dropped to be 10.1kg since then and remained at 10.1kg.

I don't know of any growing toddler whose weight went down and stayed low for so long. And he's been eating well!  Dr Lee said he'll pick up soon. I don't want Flixotide to affect his growth again

But then if we do not treat this, he may become asthmatic later in life.

Or should I asked Dr Lee when we see her?

For now I'm giving ventolin puff to ease his breathing :(

He's not panting though. To be fair, he is getting stronger. He hasn't been panting for a long time.

He will recover. And he will continue to grow physically.

His Jab is scheduled on 26 July. I sure hope he recovers by then. These Jabs had been postponed from September last year because he was always unwell whenever it was his vaccination appointment. 

To Know Them as They Grow (by Rachel Macy Stafford)

Posted on July 1, 2013 by Rachel Macy Stafford

http://www.handsfreemama.com/2013/07/01/to-know-them-as-they-grow/ 

Last week, my oldest child hit double digits. And the morning after her 10^th birthday, I caught a glimpse of my child that left me gripping the kitchen counter and struggling for air.

Suddenly I could see her at age sixteen: a burst of colorful style bounding into the kitchen—the scent of teenage grooming quickly overpowering the smell of bacon and eggs. I envisioned her nails, cut short and square with vibrant polish, grabbing an apple. She wouldn’t have time for a hot breakfast. And there she’d go. With barely a wave, the door would shut, and I would be left in eerie silence wondering who was that beautiful girl; she seemed so unfamiliar.

And when I finally found my breath after that unsettling glimpse into the future, I felt a sudden urgency to soak up my child in the present. Her petite hands were placing strawberries in the blender just below my gaze. It was all I could do not to grab her, hold her, and never let her go. And that’s when it became crystal clear—what I wanted to do with the time that I am given … before I look up from the kitchen counter and my ten-year-old child is sixteen.

Before Everything Changes

I want to read your words on paper before they are kept under lock and key—for your eyes only.
I want to watch you laugh until tears come to your eyes before I am no longer your favorite audience.
I want to admire your choice in color combination and accessories before my opinion on fashion is politely ignored.
I want to listen to your nighttime secrets before the bedroom door shuts, and I am standing outside listening to the melody of your favorite song drift out from beneath the crack.
I want to look into your eyes and ask, “What’s on your mind?” before I am no longer privy to your thoughts, worries, and fears.
I want to say yes before your invitations are reserved for people your own age.
I want to know you,
Listen to you,
Love you,
Before everything changes
and you’re not my little girl anymore.

I was going to publish the above poem on my blog last week, but I felt this story was unfinished and honestly, just too sad. So I set it aside and waited to see what might happen with my just-turned-ten-year-old that might offer a bit of hope. And hope came one evening in the form of an invitation.

“I want to show you my videos,” my daughter said.

Although there were writing deadlines and home duties I needed to attend to, I pushed thoughts of them away. Instead, I watched in awe as my daughter showed me a collection of Do-It-Yourself videos she’d created in the past few weeks. There was bracelet making, hairstyling, and American Doll crafts, to name a few.  Each video incorporated detailed graphics, voiceover, and background music. With quick, purposeful keystrokes, she showed me how she made these videos.

Suddenly, that unfamiliar girl I envisioned at age sixteen was staring me in the face.

Terminology I did not know came from her lips.
 

Interests that were not mine were described in full detail.
 

Topics in which I had no credibility were all too familiar to her.

But guess what? It did not matter.

My child was the expert of this foreign world and she was inviting me in. She was willing to show me what I did not understand. It was okay that all I could do was listen, marvel, and ask an occasional question.

And that’s when it hit me.

With each passing birthday, the map of her life would expand to reveal a new section of uncharted territory. Intimidating and unfamiliar places I have never been would be revealed to me. And although it might be tempting to retreat to separate paths, separate rooms, and separate screens—I must stay the course. This means I must accept the rare and important invitations that may sound like this:

“Hey, Mom, check this out.”

“I want to show you something, Mom.”

“Wanna see what I’ve been doing?”

I must hear things that are not going to be easy to hear.
 

I must answer questions that are not easy to answer.
 

I must love a child that may not always be easy to love.

And if I make a conscious effort to accept her invitations at age ten, perhaps I will still receive them at eleven, twelve … and so on. I can only try.

After watching her self-made videos, I informed my daughter that it was time for bed.

“I like it when you tuck me in, Mama,” she said sleepily.

And just like that, I was back in familiar territory. I knew this place—the blankets, the just-right pillow, and her favorite stories. It is where I’ve counted every sun-kissed hair on top of her head.  It is where every laugh line on her face reads like a map of the most sacred territory I’ve ever laid eyes on.

Whether I am in familiar territory or unfamiliar territory …

Whether she’s ten or sixteen …
 

Whether we are on the same page or in completely different chapters …

One thing remains constant: she is my child, and I will love her as much as humanly possible in the time that I am given.

And on the days I feel like I’m staring at a stranger, I will try more than ever to be all there—because in the midst of our busy, media-saturated, overscheduled lives, taking time to really know someone is the ultimate act of love.

With a little love, time, and attention, I believe it is possible to light even the darkest places of territories unknown.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Everyday is a rush from the time the kids come home from school. From washing them up, to checking AN's bag for homework. We study for the next test, do some revision, set up stations for the younger one to play at, keep the kids away from each other's path (and flaring up when they prefer to invade each others' territories). Then it's dinner. Then whatever they want to do before bed (be it story time or craft work).

Up till bedtime, AN will have lots to tell me and I have to constantly shut her off, reminding her that it's too late to still be talking and she should be sleeping soon to get up fresh and awake the next morning.

But there will come a day I yearn for what I'm taking for granted now.

Thanks Shirley for this link. 

Despicable Me

The kids have inherited Mr Liow's movie watching interest. They love movies!

Movie this week is Despicable Me. Very entertaining. They both love the minions (who don't?)

While waiting, it made perfect sense to play some games at the nearby arcade center. It didn't matter to them that the games weren't running.

Busy Saturday

AN had her overnight camp on Friday. 

 

The kids went to Botanical Gardens in the day, returned to school for shower and then napped. After waking up, they got to throw water bombs at each other and had flower baths together (according to gender). It was pizza for dinner followed by scrapbooking and other craft work and then an hour of movie before bedtime.

None of the kids cried for mom and dad. They were too tired to even remember to ask about us.

We went to fetch her on Saturday morning.

There was an award presentation for the kids. Each of them had a "Most-something" award. There was "Most Observant", "Most Caring", "Most Inquisitive" etc. AN was "Most Adorable". Whatever that meant she was during the camp.

Mr Liow then brought ER home after sending us to SK Station to take NEL to Plaza Singapura (PS).

I missed attending lessons with AN at Thomson Plaza (TP). The classroom at PS is really tiny. The same number of electones are squeezed into a room half the size of the one at Thomson. I could actually lean against the electone behind me. It was that squeezy!

There was a different teacher using the same classroom before Miss Lim and immediately after our class. Miss Lim didn't have time to chat with us like she did at TP because here, she had to rush to allow the next teacher in. 

Even her new classmates take some getting used to. In her previous class, AN was about Ashley's built.  The boys were taller and stouter.

In AN's new class, there were only 2 boys and they were tiny compared to the girls! They were about AN's size (one was even tinier  than AN). The rest of them girls (3 others)were bigger built and much taller, probably even larger than Nicodemus. The kids don't seem to communicate with each other, unlike the kids in her previous class. They used to joke and laugh at each other. 

I sure am missing their friendship now.

Sigh.....

There were lots of people in Yamaha. ER wouldn't have been able to run around like he used to at TP. It was more leisurely having lessons at Thomson without the crowd! 

Missed Thomson. Missed her old classmates.... It felt stressful having lessons in PS somehow. Maybe it's because I've not been in town for a long long time. 

AN enjoyed the new JXC songs though! 

We rushed home after lessons because AN wanted to prepare one of the 2 snack craft we bought before lessons started and were a little late for our cell meeting. 

By the time we were done, both AN and ER were drained (AN especially) and we went home without joining the gang for dinner.

That was a hectic Saturday. 

Making Kracie Donut

AN spotted this on sale at Plaza Singapura this afternoon before her music lessons and got excited.

She just completed the last of 4 such "cooking craft" last Thursday with Kris and had been hungry to make more.

Once back home, she started working on it immediately so that she could bring them for the kids to try during cell meeting.

There were only enough to make 5 tiny donuts and I suggested we keep them in the fridge for ourselves because it wouldn't be enough for all the kids and some may be disappointed to not get any.

She insisted on bringing and  said she will promise those without a donut that she will make some again.

I said she won't get to taste what she made by herself and was pleasantly surprised when she replied: "It's Ok. I don't have to eat them. I made them specially for my friends. I don't have also never mind."

That nice of her.

See how cute they turned out? I helped with some. These stuff are seriously fun to work on!

First Taste

Met Serena at Hillview Peak together with Kris this morning for a briefing.

I'm not allowed to sell anything. In fact I'm still a long way ..... Kris, on the other hand, had passed her exam and is only a step away from getting her license.

It was more an eye opener for us.

It's like how it usually is when we visit show flats, being shown the location, future plans for surrounding empty plots of land, why this project and its potential.

Bruce, the head (whatever his title is), is extremely impressive in the way he presents to us the project.

It wasn't a hot selling project (yet) but he is very convincing (I'm listening as a buyer for now) in his analysis of this project as he briefed the rest of his team.

There is so much to learn. Can't wait to start.

I need to pass my exam.

心很痛

I've never forgotten the both of you and I never will.

Pictures bring back memories and much pain. If it pains me, how much more you both?

If I had lost any of you to sickness, maybe the pain might have been less.

But then again, maybe not. Without the both of you, life lost its colors.

My babies. I missed sniffing into your fur. I missed hearing your sneezes. I miss the lap rides. I missed both of your loving gazes. I missed having you both dry my tears when I cry. I missed feeling your body warmth.

I missed steaming fish for you and watching both of you make your food disappear in an instance.

I love you both as much as my flesh and blood.

I deserve retaining pain as memories.

Do you miss each other? Do you miss jumping at each other and sleeping beside each other?

Please always be healthy. Please never stop smiling.

I love the both of you so much it hurts.

Not Poop

Mr Liow noticed this poop looking thing next to his wiper and we started observing it. He wondered aloud if that was shit. I wondered what animal that shit came from.

We leaned over to check out that unique piece of shit (I was still thinking it could be squirrel poop) when that piece of shit  MOVED!

Both of us backed off screaming. It was funny coz even Mr Liow got freaked out.

Lol!

Mr Liow then picked it up with a piece of paper and left it next to a pillar. He said it had legs and resembled a caterpillar on a second look.

Poor caterpillar. Quite sad to be mistaken as a piece of shit isn't it?

Interference

Everyday after school, the kids have their nap. They don't have to if they are not sleepy but lately ER is because he wakes up early for school now.

Both MUST have me in their sight. So the practice is, we all lie down together. Whoever is sleepy will sleep. Whoever isn't asleep in 15 mins will leave the room with me.

After washing them up this afternoon, I helped ER with toilet duties while AN went into the room that became her grandma's.

Once done, I announced for AN to get ready to lie down.

Then the grandma told her "这么大了 不要再睡午觉了。以后去学校也没地睡。"

AN already had intentions to not sleep. All I needed was peace for the sleepy one to nap. If AN is tired, she will naturally doze off.

In front of AN, she overwrote me. Again!
I didn't care that she wasn't talking to me and I replied "以后读下午班 不需要7点起身 哪里会象现在累。"

She then replied that AN doesn't have to nap. That she should sleep early at night.

What does she know? IF the kids are tired but didn't get to nap, they start dozing at about 5pm.

Did she know that? Did she mean that they should sleep without dinner? Is that early enough?

When they fuss and get cranky, who faces the music. Not her! It's me!

Moreover they get a choice. 15 mins and they are free to get up if they do not doze off.

AN is growing up like she said. Most days now, she doesn't nap. If she does, I'll wake her in an hour.

Today, AN left the room with me after ER dozed off. Didn't take more than 5 mins and he knocked out.

The damage was her giving contradicting instructions when we have routines to follow AND I BLOODY KNOW WHAT I AM DOING!

So great that grandma is encouraging impending disobedience isn't it? AN had no intention to put up a fight.  Was the grandma instigating her to fight me?

Octopus Dodotto

Krislyn and Andy took AN out last Friday and bought her a few packs of ingredients to make her own sweets.

I didn't get to see her make some when she was at my mom's. I tried one gummy though.

This time, AN brought one pack home and I watched her do it (with help from YouTube because all the accompanied instructions were in Japanese).

This tastes yummy!

St. Hilda's or North Vista

She's been harping on the Primary One registration these few days. Just yesterday, she asked AN which school she will be going to.

AN asked me and I told her St. Hilda's Primary (SHPS).

The grandma then replied her "不包进的".

This morning she asked me again. I told her SHPS again. She then asked about our chances.

I told her that unless there's a quota and the quota is met for Phase 2A (Alumni), AN should get a place. All alumni applications had been successfully for the past 2 years.

Because she had been helping out at that school for years (in the Chinese storytelling voluntary group), she offered  to speak to "Catherine" if we do not get a place.

No thank you.

I'm there for SHPS because i can jump queue. If AN doesn't get in, I'll settle for North Vista. I'm not desperate to get AN into SHPS like she assumes. She's so proud she is part of a 'branded' school but that's just her.

She said a volunteer moved to Tampines for that very purpose of getting the highest possible chance of a place for her kid in the school.

Well, we didn't. We are still in Sengkang.

What makes her think that she's powerful enough to get AN in if we do not even get in at Phase 2A? Her voluntary work? She's only a grandma and not even a Guardian.

If she can, go help the volunteers who worked hard during the volunteering period but didn't get a place for their children. They are deserving because they worked for it.

Don't hide in the comfort of home while criticizing the parent-volunteers for coming and going as they please.  Most of those volunteers have full time jobs and annual leave (precious as they are) have been utilised for nothing in some cases.

I don't need her help.

Even if I ever had been excited at the thought of AN going to the same school as I did, I no longer am. Because HER HIGHNESS is part of that school on voluntary basis.

I don't appreciate having anything in common with her.

I just can't wait for the day I can breathe again.

听写

Getting challenging.

When daddy is not chauffer

"Mother, 那里有红录登。我带孩子时不在这里过。危险。"

She got offended and started raising her voice, "你又不早讲!"

Ridiculous.

She was holding AN when she dashed across the road with AN dragging her trolley bag behind the grandma. I was carrying ER so that we could cross the side road to the pedestrian crossing on the other side.  By the time I had him in my arms, she was already halfway across. How to "早讲"?!

She always emphasizes that she's very cautious whenever we ask her to watch out. This only shows that I trusted her more that I should again. Even when my trust in her is already minimum.

She repeated twice that I should have informed her earlier that I don't want her to jaywalk. She said that's where she had been crossing.

Is she trying to pick a fight? All I said was it's dangerous and I don't jaywalk with my kids. She can walk in the middle of the road by herself and I don't give a damn.

Why not then she tell me earlier that she jaywalks every time instead of telling me that she's always very cautious. So that I can expect a supposed "new age, educated  and cautious grandmother" will do something dangerous and illegal with my kids.

They ought to be taught road safety. Not recklessness! No cars so what? How accurate can a child be in determining distance or road condition? It's easier to teach them to tell green man means go for pedestrians! And to make sure no cars are coming at them before crossing because that is when cars know they ought to stop for pedestrians. Not in the middle of nowhere.

No wonder she was upset last year when she kept complaining that a car wouldn't stop for the niece even though that was a quiet road and niece was about to cross the road. In her opinion, cars should stop for people.

Her highness has moved her expectations to Sengkang.

For tomorrow, I'll bring them before she's ready so that I don't get her "help". To think she nagged that me bringing 2 kids to school on my own is dangerous (I bring them out, I fetch them from school. I see no real danger).

She's the real danger lor!