Never Recovering

ER had fever few weeks ago. Then AN had fever. And then back to ER.

It was all about the puking last weekend coupled with fever for AN.

Then both took turns at coughing violently since Wednesday. They have never fully recovered from the coughing and sneezing (AN since May and ER since June).

And guess what? ER is having fever. Again.

够了吧, 你什么烂病。。。。到底有完没完?  

Edited to add:

Given him Bifen.

Minutes later he weakly announced: "Mummy, Ethan's having fever. Ethan had medicine. Feeling better now. Thank you mummy (for) giving Ethan medicine....."

Few can imagine how much those words soothed a bruised spirit......

Just keep spiraling down.

Seems like I'm spiraling down somewhere dark and scary and no one will go with me.

The daily duties and responsibilities.  Do they keep me alive or kill me further?

The eyes who stare at her tv and phone the whole damn day but ears perked to catch me at my weakest with kids. She's all ready to judge.

And the most innocent furkids who always lift me up, I actually gave them up.

WHY DID I GIVE UP MY MOST PRECIOUS ONES IN EXCHANGE FOR A LIFE THAT I WISH I CAN JUST DIE SO THAT EVERYTHING ENDS? ??????

WHY AM I MISERABLE? WHY AM I SUCH A WEAKLING?

The Cheeky Shaving Baby

Not good enough

I'm not good enough. I'm always regretting after saying  certain things to my kids or promising yet fail to deliver.

I have to be better than this. They didn't have a choice who they have as mum. Since it's me and they really deserve better, I need to match up.

They are my world. I must not destroy them and their childhood.

Already I'm like a sloth, slow in everything. I don't understand why I'm quick in anger.

I am blessed with such a loving, sensitive, protective and understanding daughter. And she's obedient too. I must learn to remember her good and not keep records of kiddy tantrums or crankiness due to lack of rest. And I have to remember that she's human and is growing up to own her unique set of likes and dislikes. She's developing her skill of choice and negotiation. I must understand tat.

And ER. This boy of extreme preferences. He either likes or dislikes what he's offered. If he doesn't like it, nothing is going to make him do it. If he likes it, he'll not stop doing it.

He's starting to imitate AN when she tells me she loves me when I'm angry with her. He now does that too. I ignore him and he goes "I love you mummy". That's seems more effective than punishment or time out so far.

I used to cry when they tell me they love me whenever I ignore them. I no longer do. I attribute it to the fact that I have decided to hasten my heart in response to the expectations of me for the past year, against my will and choice.

I cannot be emotional. I cannot be taken advantage of. I have to put up my own shield to protect myself.

But I must learn that I cannot protect myself against my kids. They should be with me behind my shield so that I can protect them too.

I must  remember that clearly.

4th Tooth's Out

She lost her 4th milk tooth today.

Before I could take any picture, I thought I should just wash it.

I imagined myself dropping it into the sink and just as I reached out for a cup, IT FELL INTO THE SINK AND GOT WASHED AWAY!

It's a terrible thing to happen coz it took her lots of time and guts to pull it out. And it's gone just like that.

I'm so sorry Adrielle :(

Her Style (The morning after.....)

AN started throwing up in the morning yesterday. She was perfectly fine the night before.

Brought her to the doctor and was prescribed medicine to stop her vomiting, some probiotics and anti wind syrup.

She threw up minutes after medication each time. And after she drank water. And after those miserable 2-3 bites of bread or scoops of porridge.

She literally had nothing the whole day because whatever went in, came out.

I laid hands to pray for her last night. She slept well for a sick child but kicked a little in her sleep (that's rare).  Nightmares?

She did wake up a few times informing that she needed to throw up but nothing came out.

Her fever returns after Bifen's effect went off each time.

No vomiting. That's more important. All in all she probably threw up more than 10 times during the day already. I'm worried about dehydration. AND DENGUE!

That was yesterday.

I didn't let her go to school today.

She asked to paint and weather was nice and windy.

So she gets to do this, something that she never gets to do in peace when the little boy is around.

She was just teaching me earlier about Henri Mattise, an artist. And she said that an artist doesn't have to paint what everyone else paints. Even black and white zig zag lines is art.

I agreed.

But then I had been wondering why she draws girls with balding hairline. I almost asked if she wanted to add hair on the lady in her painting, when I remembered that Henri Mattise's mum didn't tell him how objects should be drawn. She simply brought him art tools.

Who knows, maybe this will one day be AN's signature drawing that others learn from?

Like my girl says: "Even black and white zig zag lines is art."

:)

Noticed that she tried some Vincent Van Gogh here :)

What Am I Busy With?

If you ask me what I do the whole day, I don't really know. It seemed like I do nothing but everything I did, I did with a rush.

The very insensitive person in our house wondered what kept her sister (who was looking after a new grand daughter who is 7 days younger than ER) so busy that she kept missing her calls.

That same period,  she would flare up at Mr Liow and I when we missed her calls. ER was only months old.

Her question: "有电话不接,拿电话干什么 ? 丢掉拉。" (why keep a phone when you don't answer calls?  You should dump it.)

This explains how she never fails to answer her calls even if she's in the midst of cooking or babysitting. Calls are more important than children.

That also explains more of why I have no respect for her. For one who had been through motherhood herself, who had helped with Grand children, I can't see how hard it is to understand how tight time is each day.

Don't understand nevermind. So mean with her comments too. I don't have to be nice in my comments with her either.

By the way, I heard her telling AN off and thought I heard wrongly. Checked with AN and then realized she ACTUALLY told AN off because she accidentally kicked AN and AN told her she kicked her.

I heard her tell AN "我不小心,你讲我踢你" after telling AN off she didn't apologize. What a fantastic example she's setting.

Not only did she not apologize,  she scolded AN for defending herself.

I'M SPEECHLESS.

Time for ER to do some work

He's been watching AN do her homework and asking "How about Ethan's homework?"

Whenever he's ready I will be. He just doesn't seem interested in holding his pencil to write or draw. And I dont want to make him do it.

AN started slightly earlier. About this time, AN could write her name. She wasn't familiar with letter back then but she could write well.

This boy is fast at recognising letters and nunbers. He knows 1-10 and all 26 uppercase letters before he turned two. But he's not interested in writing. 

I'm going to strike while the iron is hot. 

Since he asked, he'll practise drawing lines while AN revises her spelling words this evening.

He Will Provide

I feel drained.

Some days are better than others. There have been days when I have to fight negative feelings seemingly every hour of the day. That's when I feel like no one really cares even if it's not true.

Because all I see is, she's still here regardless of what she said and how victimized she appeared to be each time before threatening to leave (I can't wait). I never knew I had the ability to victimize anyone, let alone a domineering matriarch like her. 

On the other hand, everything I do (especially with the kids), I feel like she's watching and all ready to judge.

I think God wants to teach me to be submissive. Maybe He wants to MAKE me submit. And if He's testing me, I know I'll fail big time. Because she's my weakest weakness and I'm a weakling.

Cornered animals fight back. Unlike Baileys and Maen. 

But I can now smell a happy ending to my agony (hopefully, not depression).

Not because she started packing up already. I really do not believe anything she says. She doesn't seem as ready to leave as she's saying she will.  Her credibility : None.

My happy ending started with a PASS in my exam. I passed both papers. I don't know how I passed them.

I felt peace as I left the exam venue on both days last month although questions were challenging. I told myself that I can re-sit for whichever paper I fail and it's no big deal. I would be shivering and panicking after exams when I was younger. 

This is an obvious blessing. A gift from Him, to the stubborn and rebellious me.

About the same time, I noticed some green among my favorite but dead plant. Must be weeds, I thought. Coz the other plants had been flourishing different types of weeds.

Today I see the same beautiful plant I carried home in January this year. The green leaves have covered over the dead ones. 

I can't tell how it can come back to life. IT WAS DEAD! And I stopped caring for it.

The Lord's promise of provision is real. I hadn't believe He will provide. 

But my unexpected exam results and the resurrection of my lovely flowers seems to be His way of proving to me that He has not forgotten me.

He will provide. If I have to be the one giving in again, He won't let me do it by my own strength because I have none left.

He will provide.

Why Diapers?

"Why are you wearing diapers?" Someone asked Ethan.

THAT SOMEONE WHO VOLUNTEERED TO 'HELP' (by constantly messaging her friends and allowing him to watchTV whole day long for her convenience) WHEN I STUDY OUTSIDE BEFORE MY POX OUTBREAK BUT DIDN'T ONCE REMINDED HIM TO DO HIS PEE IN POTTY WHEN I PUT THE POTTY RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM BEFORE I LEFT THE HOUSE.

He almost got it. Till I entrusted him to her.  It's all my fault.

But TO THE ONE WHO DIDN'T MAKE ANY EFFORTS TO POTTY TRAIN HIM, YOU HAVE NO RIGHTS TO ASK THAT STUPID QUESTION.

Small Talk

At 10.45pm
ER: "Mummy I'm a wolf"

"Time to sleep, Wolf."

But the wolves are not sleepy, so I told them a short story.

"Late in the night when wolves hear little children playing when it's sleeping time, they will (raising my voice and sounding terrified) jump through the windows and take those children away!"

2 seconds of silence later....

ER whispering fearfully: "Mummy I want to go outside."

I said nope.

He didn't insist. Instead, he hid himself under our blanket and fell asleep.

Hehe.

--------------------------

ER had been 'fighting' at home lately. He's punching the air and pointing the gun at us, going "bang bang". I hv little issues with that as long as he does not lay a finger on anyone. Pretending is ok.

Daddy wonders if he had been playing 'fight' with his classmates and hopes he doesn't beat anyone. We've not received complaints so far and we hope not to.

He had been scratched on the face by a classmate (a girl) though. And he constantly tells us "Naja beat me." He's in the playgroup class although he's old enough to be in N1 (he's new so there's some sort of induction going on). Naja is barely past 2 years old by the way. Just some little squabbles between toddlers.

AN assured daddy that no one beat him, that all his classmates are so little and they are all girls, to which he replied: "have! Naja beat me! SHE'S A BOY!"

LOLOLOLOLOL!

Mummy, Cannot Go To Office

I'm trying on the set of t shirt and shorts I asked Mr Liow to get for me with his credits at Emart.

The moment my baby boy saw me in the attire, he pouted and asked pitifully: "Mummy are you going to office?" (That's what daddy wears on days when he comes home after work so ER thinks I'm going to work too).

I asked if I may go and he said no. He said: "it's late and dark now. Police see mummy, police bang and ambulance come bring mummy to hospital. Mummy die.  Mummy, cannot go to office please..."

What an excuse to deter me from going to office. So cute that I might really not go to work when he warns me like that.

Offending Comments

Her friend's son got tickets to NDP and she asked if her son got any. He doesn't. The last time he got one was before we got married and it naturally went to mummy dearest.

Every year without fail, she would without ask. Every year since then, his reply was always the same: "They don't give to government service personnel anymore."

Every year she would quote someone who got it.

This year her friend's son, a Major by rank in the Navy got some. Not one or two tickets but SOME.

Mr Liow reiterated that none in his office got any. Not even his boss, a Lieutenant Colonel.

She insisted that her friend mentioned about going for the parade and that it was friend's son who got her the tickets.

To end the conversation that's getting nowhere, Mr Liow commented: "Ok lor. 他厉害咯."

To which she defiantly agreed: "他就是真得厉害。他拿得到票。"

I asked if Mr Liow was offended after the conversation ended. He wasn't.

He didn't feel offended that his mum demeaned his capability just because he wasn't given tickets to the parade and someone else in the Navy holding one rank higher got some.

If I was that insensitive one, I can almost hear those familiar words coming at me: "你赢了咯。。。"

It didn't bother me whether he gets tickets anyway. I've never been to a parade and never dare dream of going.

Who dares to not pay tax to the Empress in the form of the sacred National Day Parade?

It's interesting that she commented: "PARENTS of government personnel are civilians." when Mr Liow agreed that they stopped giving tickets to uniformed citizens. Otherwise the stadium would be filled up by government personnel instead of the public.

She also asked why OFFICERS weren't given tickets. Officers should have priority, in her high opinion.

She can be MOTHER OF AN OFFICER one moment and a member of the public, the next.

The underlying question is: "Why do I not get to go to the parade every year! The last I went was 10 years ago. "

Maybe my parents should go bang someone's table because they have NEVER been to the parade before.

Or me, the "officer's wife", also member of the public. I've never been to a parade before too.

What makes her so special???????

Update:
He got her a ticket. He said it was by chance. Such a coincidence that he got a ticket from a colleague who'll be bearing the flag. Just one ticket.

He offered it to her just now but she rejected it. She gets to choose whether to go or not, none of my business.

But she wasn't the least bit grateful. Not a word of Thanks. And she even went "只有一张? 我一个人去 我才不要!"

Was he offended? No. He said he wasn't. That's so cool.

I wish my son grows up worshiping me even when I'm rude and mean to him.

Missing you

Baileys, do you still get to gaze into your new mummy's eyes like you do did with me?

I miss you. More so when the kids do not behave. You would always be around to lick my tears away, instantly. Only Maen and you have the ability to calm me down. Now that both of you are not with me, it is terribly hard to pick myself up on some days.

I have only pictures of you to imagine with. To imagine that you are still here to assure me that things are going to be ok. To jump onto my lap when I sit on the floor. I no longer do. Because I do not have the both of you anymore. Sitting on the floor mean nothing anymore.

Many times I wonder why I do not have to speak a word and you understand what I want but I can speak every word I know and the kids do not understand. I can't even remember when both of you learnt to stay on your bed whenever you see me come with mop and pail. Both of you do not step around till I say ok. Who taught you that? I'm sure you taught Maen that.

Who taught you to hear me when you do not understand the words I say? Who taught you to love us so much?

Baby, I miss you. I really really wish I have the ability to go back to when I never had to choose to make you leave. Darling, I miss you....

Believe me Baileys. Mummy really loves you. I mean forever and I wish we have forever to be together.

A Trip to National Museum

The theme of their learning this year is about famous people. 

For this period, to coincide with National Day, AN learnt about Thomas Stamford Raffles and Sang Nila Utama. And she watched clips of how Singapore used to be like since its "Singapura" days.

She asked to visit the museum and so we went after her music class.

Without ER, it's easier to listen and learn! Waiting for him to grow up a little more so that he can enjoy these stuff too.

It's free entry for all Singaporeans and Permanent Residents by the way. 

An attempted to smile but apologised for frowning coz the sun was toooooo bright!

 Retro stuff (minus the prison cell door which is a good idea as I was telling` AN, for time out)

Witnessing how Singapore used to be way way way less crowded than now!

War time memories

War Heros

Listening to explanation about these kampong houses (I think. We had only 1 commentary tablet)

Trying to figure out what commentator was talking about

Fashion in the 60s

Grooming style of the 60s

 

 

Last and most importantly, we are Singaporeans.

I watched a simple video about a boy who got into a fight with his classmate.

His dad was appalled that his usually well behaved son did that. When he saw the other boy whom his son fought with, he was even more surprised. That was a boy much taller and stronger looking than his own son!

At the principal's office, he was asked why he fought.

The boy silently released his clenched fist holding onto an eraser.

His dad couldn't believe he would fight over just 1 eraser when he bought a whole box of many more for him.

The little boy's reply was simple but impactful: "This is the only one with our Singapore flag on it."

Short hair

I like how this looks. Nice? :)

Sushi Snack Video

Sushi Snack

3rd fallen tooth

Hey Little Mouse Deer

She enjoys excursions.

ER didn't attend this one because the teachers didn't attach the usual acknowledgment form. AN told me only 5 PG students stayed back in school and ER was one of them.

Made ER sound like one poor soul.

Hopefully he gets to join the rest for the next one before AN graduates. At least 1 school outing together for the siblings.