He Will Provide

I feel drained.

Some days are better than others. There have been days when I have to fight negative feelings seemingly every hour of the day. That's when I feel like no one really cares even if it's not true.

Because all I see is, she's still here regardless of what she said and how victimized she appeared to be each time before threatening to leave (I can't wait). I never knew I had the ability to victimize anyone, let alone a domineering matriarch like her. 

On the other hand, everything I do (especially with the kids), I feel like she's watching and all ready to judge.

I think God wants to teach me to be submissive. Maybe He wants to MAKE me submit. And if He's testing me, I know I'll fail big time. Because she's my weakest weakness and I'm a weakling.

Cornered animals fight back. Unlike Baileys and Maen. 

But I can now smell a happy ending to my agony (hopefully, not depression).

Not because she started packing up already. I really do not believe anything she says. She doesn't seem as ready to leave as she's saying she will.  Her credibility : None.

My happy ending started with a PASS in my exam. I passed both papers. I don't know how I passed them.

I felt peace as I left the exam venue on both days last month although questions were challenging. I told myself that I can re-sit for whichever paper I fail and it's no big deal. I would be shivering and panicking after exams when I was younger. 

This is an obvious blessing. A gift from Him, to the stubborn and rebellious me.

About the same time, I noticed some green among my favorite but dead plant. Must be weeds, I thought. Coz the other plants had been flourishing different types of weeds.

Today I see the same beautiful plant I carried home in January this year. The green leaves have covered over the dead ones. 

I can't tell how it can come back to life. IT WAS DEAD! And I stopped caring for it.

The Lord's promise of provision is real. I hadn't believe He will provide. 

But my unexpected exam results and the resurrection of my lovely flowers seems to be His way of proving to me that He has not forgotten me.

He will provide. If I have to be the one giving in again, He won't let me do it by my own strength because I have none left.

He will provide.