Not good enough

I'm not good enough. I'm always regretting after saying  certain things to my kids or promising yet fail to deliver.

I have to be better than this. They didn't have a choice who they have as mum. Since it's me and they really deserve better, I need to match up.

They are my world. I must not destroy them and their childhood.

Already I'm like a sloth, slow in everything. I don't understand why I'm quick in anger.

I am blessed with such a loving, sensitive, protective and understanding daughter. And she's obedient too. I must learn to remember her good and not keep records of kiddy tantrums or crankiness due to lack of rest. And I have to remember that she's human and is growing up to own her unique set of likes and dislikes. She's developing her skill of choice and negotiation. I must understand tat.

And ER. This boy of extreme preferences. He either likes or dislikes what he's offered. If he doesn't like it, nothing is going to make him do it. If he likes it, he'll not stop doing it.

He's starting to imitate AN when she tells me she loves me when I'm angry with her. He now does that too. I ignore him and he goes "I love you mummy". That's seems more effective than punishment or time out so far.

I used to cry when they tell me they love me whenever I ignore them. I no longer do. I attribute it to the fact that I have decided to hasten my heart in response to the expectations of me for the past year, against my will and choice.

I cannot be emotional. I cannot be taken advantage of. I have to put up my own shield to protect myself.

But I must learn that I cannot protect myself against my kids. They should be with me behind my shield so that I can protect them too.

I must  remember that clearly.