Missing the Jie Jie Again

It's only been a week that AN had been home sick. I had her to myself (didn't have to share with school orngrandma) for a whole week. Now that she's away in school again, I'm missing her presence like when she first started school.

I enjoy time with her but she has to share me with ER. It's very unfair because she almost always has to wait, more so this time because she got well sooner than ER and the little one is more needy. I feel I owe her a lot...since ER came, she almost ALWAYS has to wait. We keep asking her to wait. And she waits. she gets punished for other behaviors (sometimes rudeness, sometimes tantrums) but hardly for being impatient. She really tries to be good but she can never be perfect. I really have to understand that.

I was so upset with her one day last week I told her I dontknow her anymore. She was sad...she sobbed silently, then in a soft and very apologetic voice told me: "mummy, I will sleep when u ask me to sleep. I will sit down when u ask me to sit down...."

My heartached when I heard that...I DO want her to have a mind of her own. I hope I'm not training my baby to be a victim for bully, who does things to gain acceptance by others. But she has to obey me. I pray she will be very good at protecting herself when we're not around to watch over her.

Other thN times when she has things she really wants to do, thus is less cooperative to abide, she's otherwise mostly ready to listen.

I'm expecting too much of her...and many of her nastiness comes from observing nasty people who are nasty to others. It's not her I hate. It's those nasty people I hate, and their nasty idea that others have no rights because they are lower of human life. So AN learns to be rude.

I'm thinking too much. I'm not going to let AN learn to speak rudely by observing anymore. We can swim at public pools. Swimming in a private pool that's not maintained makes her sick too...not to mention the constant bickering, endless snubbing of the helper is creating a monster in AN who listens and learns. Don't blame the younger girl of the 2 for being rude to the helper. The grandma is soooooooo rude to the helper herself. How do you teach something when you are not good at it yourself? Oh, easy. just blame the younger girl and say: "I don't know why she's like that. I told her she has to be respectful."

Hypocrite.

sometimes I wish I can hide AN. I wish we can go away again.

I miss AN in school...and I really missed the sweet and kind AN in Tucson..