Tolerance

This young chap had his arms around his girlfriend the whole time at the crowded showflat and even as we were in deep discussion about the process of home ownership, he instinctively stretched his arm out to shield his girlfriend or pull her close to him whenever a crowd approached.

As we chatted, she asked me when I got married.

"That's my age now! She smiled.

I saw ourselves in the both of them yesterday too.

Once upon a time, his voice was tender. 

He would shield me too. 

As time went by, work affected his mood and he didn't have the capacity to be tender anymore. 

I responded in kind. 

And now he would shout at me right in my face. 

He said: "我忍你很久了"。

Because he has the rights to be affected by requests that he wasn't willing to comply with.

This time he told me. 

Other time he simply kept quiet as we drove home. 

What should I be processing in my head? I wondered if he's upset with my long hours at showflat? Or what? 

He has the rights to feel upset when it is not what he wants. 

I maintain my rights to get upset that he snaps just because there is now a reason to. How am I suppose to know when he's really upset or when he's not even though he looks genuinely upset even when he claims not to be??

Some things kill relationships. 

In quarrels, never call names ("神经病") or use terminating sentences ("我忍你很久了")。

Aren't you challenging me to call it quits because you tell me right in the face that you have been tolerating me long enough? 

That's terminal. Because tolerance has a limit. Forbearance doesn't. 

He tolerated me long enough. For? For screaming at the kids like a crazy woman all the time? For having to juggling between sending out urgent proposals while referee-ing kiddy fights at the same time? For feeling the pressure of watching laundry pile up? For remembering that Adrielle hasn't studied for her 听写 when it's tomorrow? 

My expressions as a result of that. My explosions. My behavior. Unforgivable I admit. 

But I've never shouted at him right in the face, anything that suggested I had enough. 

I bite the bullet and go on treading on landmines daily. 

He had enough of my explosions apparently. 

He didn't mean it. He only said it. To me. 

So we're OK now?

No we are not. 

He's just tolerating me.

Mummy don't cry anymore

My human baby comforts me over the heartless choice I made.

I gave my first babies up.

I miss them. I never want to forget them. And it seems like drawing them helps. It's like staring right at them and observing every bit of them again. What I have to get used to is, I don't get to feel them.

These gaps in my heart will forever be reserved for the deserving.

Miss you both so much.

2 Missing Pieces

Saw 2 Malteses. A 13 years old and a 7 years old, both boys.

The old boy reminds me of Maen. He's not jumpy or excitable like her but he gazes gently and quietly at me when I spoke to him. Maen calms down when I hold her in my arms and watches me so intently like the world stops when I speak to her.

I miss you Maen. I miss you Baileys.

AN asked which of the 2 liked to bully the other. The younger of the 2 Maltese boys is the bully.

Maen likes to initiate play but she's also the first one to belly up.

AN asked if they loved playing with each other.

They did. They really did.

And the pavement we walk on now, the spaciousness and fact that not a lot of people walk around this part of our estate,  the furkids would have loved to run free without their leashes.

They each have new companions now. It hurts to have to recall that even if they loved each other and couldn't do without each other, they now have a new family each. And new friends.

I miss them so badly. I deserve this pain. I hope they don't feel anything by now.

I'm sorry babies.....

Crying for mummy

I'm shivering now.

Miss Ho called and said AN was crying when she got off her bus and couldn't stop crying through assembly.

What happened to my baby? She was ok when I sent her up the school bus. And she had never complained about school. What happened?

ER had been throwing up since last night. He didn't attend school today. AN had my undivided attention since day 1 of Primary school till today. Did she cry because she felt neglected?

Did someone do or say something nasty to her in the bus?

Did she fall asleep and had a bad dream she woke up crying from?

What happened....? :(

Missing the big baby

This is her 3rd day in school and I'm missing her more each day.

Like the first time she attended preschool, I could feel her absence from home. I missed her more than I missed ER at every of such milestone. I can't explain why.

I cried the first few weeks when she left for school in the morning when she started attending Shekinah. I was on the verge of tears when I brought her home from there for the last time.

I was emotional on her first day at St. Hilda's.

Today is day 3 and I can't wait for her to come home. The past 2 mornings after she left in the school bus, I felt empty. It was the same today.

Not so much for ER. I was actually kinda excited that he's growing up. I was excited when he attended Shekinah in June last year. Maybe I should wait til he goes into Primary School too before I start comparing my emotions.

I would tell them I wish they remain in school when they simply refuse to cooperate at times. I don't mean it. I miss them when they are not around.

This is the agony of motherhood I guess. At least that's for me. I wish for my own freedom when they drive me up the wall and when I do get freedom, I await their return back home.

Quite unfair. Hmm. ....