Mummy don't cry anymore

My human baby comforts me over the heartless choice I made.

I gave my first babies up.

I miss them. I never want to forget them. And it seems like drawing them helps. It's like staring right at them and observing every bit of them again. What I have to get used to is, I don't get to feel them.

These gaps in my heart will forever be reserved for the deserving.

Miss you both so much.

2 Missing Pieces

Saw 2 Malteses. A 13 years old and a 7 years old, both boys.

The old boy reminds me of Maen. He's not jumpy or excitable like her but he gazes gently and quietly at me when I spoke to him. Maen calms down when I hold her in my arms and watches me so intently like the world stops when I speak to her.

I miss you Maen. I miss you Baileys.

AN asked which of the 2 liked to bully the other. The younger of the 2 Maltese boys is the bully.

Maen likes to initiate play but she's also the first one to belly up.

AN asked if they loved playing with each other.

They did. They really did.

And the pavement we walk on now, the spaciousness and fact that not a lot of people walk around this part of our estate,  the furkids would have loved to run free without their leashes.

They each have new companions now. It hurts to have to recall that even if they loved each other and couldn't do without each other, they now have a new family each. And new friends.

I miss them so badly. I deserve this pain. I hope they don't feel anything by now.

I'm sorry babies.....

Sleeping on my belly

ER behaves a lot like Maen. Maybe because he's still young. Maen is like a little girl who never grows up. She is lovely that way.

She loved to sleep on my head and rest her head on my neck after Mr Liow left for work in the past. He wouldn't allow them on the bed but they knew I loved sleeping with them.

Baileys' favorite spot is between my legs. He rests his head on my belly and snuggles the rest of his body tucked nicely between my thighs.

ER had been sleeping on my belly lately. It used to be random and I didn't notice when he started getting used to it and by now, I'll his pillow.

This felt like the times I had with Baileys. I could imagine it was Baileys and not ER.

The only difference is, ER faces up at the ceiling as he lies on my belly but Baileys will be looking at me.

The mystery of time travel. If only my mind is strong enough to take me back, I said I wouldn't have brought the furkids home.

But I also long to go back to when I was their pillow. When Baileys was my trusted buddy and Maen, my shadow.

Where should I start visiting?

Missing you

Baileys, do you still get to gaze into your new mummy's eyes like you do did with me?

I miss you. More so when the kids do not behave. You would always be around to lick my tears away, instantly. Only Maen and you have the ability to calm me down. Now that both of you are not with me, it is terribly hard to pick myself up on some days.

I have only pictures of you to imagine with. To imagine that you are still here to assure me that things are going to be ok. To jump onto my lap when I sit on the floor. I no longer do. Because I do not have the both of you anymore. Sitting on the floor mean nothing anymore.

Many times I wonder why I do not have to speak a word and you understand what I want but I can speak every word I know and the kids do not understand. I can't even remember when both of you learnt to stay on your bed whenever you see me come with mop and pail. Both of you do not step around till I say ok. Who taught you that? I'm sure you taught Maen that.

Who taught you to hear me when you do not understand the words I say? Who taught you to love us so much?

Baby, I miss you. I really really wish I have the ability to go back to when I never had to choose to make you leave. Darling, I miss you....

Believe me Baileys. Mummy really loves you. I mean forever and I wish we have forever to be together.

心很痛

I've never forgotten the both of you and I never will.

Pictures bring back memories and much pain. If it pains me, how much more you both?

If I had lost any of you to sickness, maybe the pain might have been less.

But then again, maybe not. Without the both of you, life lost its colors.

My babies. I missed sniffing into your fur. I missed hearing your sneezes. I miss the lap rides. I missed both of your loving gazes. I missed having you both dry my tears when I cry. I missed feeling your body warmth.

I missed steaming fish for you and watching both of you make your food disappear in an instance.

I love you both as much as my flesh and blood.

I deserve retaining pain as memories.

Do you miss each other? Do you miss jumping at each other and sleeping beside each other?

Please always be healthy. Please never stop smiling.

I love the both of you so much it hurts.

Baileys and Maen

I saw Baileys and Maen again.

In my dream, we were walking near a park and saw a pack of cavaliers.

Cavaliers get a lot of our attention because of BM. So, we started admiring then.

Then a little one ran up to sit right in front of me. I turned to tell AN this one looked like Maen.

As I patted it, it started jumping up and licking me. I rubbed its body (since it's so friendly and realized she's a girl) body and saw she had a lozenges on her head.

That was Maen! Her patches, her gaze, her behavior...that was her!

We started looking for Baileys and found him. He had been watching us but didn't approach us.

We went to him and he sat there waiting.

We then brought them home.

This time, I thought it was real....I thought their new owners abandoned them and we could bring them home again..

In the dream, Mr Liow felt so upset that BM became strays for who-knew-how-long! I was just relieved our family is whole again.

Judy, wake up. Life is different now.

I dreamt of my babies

I saw Baileys and Maen in my dream last night.

Maen grew fatter but still petite. Baileys had more white hair.

They both shared my laps and I was crying non stop.

I knew I was dreaming and I feared waking up. I didn't want to open my eyes and come back to reality. I could feel their warmth, their furry bodies, I could smell them. I couldn't afford to leave them again.....

That day at 十份 when we released the floating lanterns, I wrote them a short note.

Babies, you received my note, right?

My life will never be complete again. I miss both of you so so so much....

A Day Out

Mr Liow volunteered to take care of ER today so I could bring AN out. Just my daughter and I!
AN asked to do sand art, so off we went to Nex.

We got there at about 10.30am but realized the art stall opens AFTER 12pm. Having lots of time on hand, we went shopping.

It's hard to resist shopping for a girl. I got her leggings, a necklace and a magnetic dress up set. She was super hungry by then, so we went for prata! Timing was perfect, because she was hungry before starting on the art work. If it was the other way around, she probably would have missed lunch.



I had a great time with her and I think she did too. We laughed and joked and she hugged me as she walked. It was such a lovely afternoon together that I suddenly wished that she is my only child. I missed giving her all these attention.

While waiting to do the sand art, AN asked to check out the puppies at Pet Safari.

We walked through rows of BM's favorite treats. I told AN what we used to buy for them. And I saw a ceramic bowl that was perfect for keeping their spaniel ears out of their food and it was only $7.90.

I told AN of my find and she looked at me sympathetically, squeezing my hand that she had been holding and softly reminded me: "Mummy, Baileys and Maen are not with us anymore. Don't be sad, don't cry anymore ok?"

Her words of consolation made me feel like laughing and crying at the same time.

We were done by 3.30pm and AN was hungry again. We grabbed some finger food before heading home. She fell asleep on the bus.

I totally forgot about the little boy at home with his daddy while outside, but the moment I stepped in the house and saw that adorable smile and heard his enthusiastic exclamation: "MUMMY!", I melted.

I seriously wish I can divide myself so that they don't have to live with divided attention.

I love my little ones.

Maen

Mae,

I dreamt of you last night. Was it because you were thinking of me?

I dreamt we were back together and I couldn't stop crying as I hugged you. You kept really still in my arms.

But I woke up and hated that moment of reality when I realized you were not home with me. I wasn't cuddling you. My face was wet. I had been sobbing in my sleep. I shut my eyes tight and hope to sleep again. I want to go back to cuddling you.

The busy-ness of life takes my mind off you each day. But when memories of us together comes back, it hits hard.

Of the many times I dreamt of the both of you, this is the first few that I actually post. I'm not worthy to even speak of you and Baileys.

But my heart still aches for both of you.

AN asked if we can have dogs in future. I told her I only want the both of you back. I don't know how many more years in future will you still have. But the Lord will be really merciful to me if I ever get to spend your last days with you.

I miss you, babies. I miss you so much it hurts.....

Baileys and Maen

Them in AN's memory...

Hi Maen!

Hey baby girl,

Look what I found? Your ribbon. This was from your very last grooming before we left Singapore in 2008. I I found it in my handbag.

I remember you came back looking soooooo sweet I was worried the ants would carry you away that night.

You are turning 7 end of this month. How time flies. If you are a human, you will be in Primary One.

Do you know that ER behaves like you? He throws tantrums too when I'm out of his sight: he screams for me. You used too, when I left the house without you, remember? The only difference is, when you had to chew on something because you were teething, you never bit us. The little tiger does when we stick a finger in his mouth.

I'm thinking of a place to keep your ribbon because I dare not lose it but on second thoughts, it's going back to where I found it because I'm afraid I'll forget where I leave it if I try to safeguard it too much.

Baby, are you happy today?

The Earth Under Our Feet

AN learnt about our earth in January.

In one of her lesson, Miss Sue asked the kids to draw what they thought were underground.

I was more captivated by what AN drew was above the ground: our family, particularly ER in my arms.

But, no Baileys and Maen.

She still asks about them but we can see she is starting to forget them...

Painful because Mr Liow and I just spent our first Chinese New Year without our Baileys.

And no matter how much fun we had recently because of the holidays, it was not the same. It will never be the same again.

Nightmare!!

Oh my goodness!!!

I went back to nap a little after sending AN off at the gate..and had a dream.

I dreamt I went walking around AN's school and saw BM's pet groomer's shop round the corner. I went in to reminisce and had a little chat with their groomer. Then I saw Serene who happen to be there to help out in an adoption drive. She told me that Maen's new owners are splitting up and she's with the owner's new boyfriend now.

I started to wonder how she's doing!! I wonder if the owner's new boyfriend is treating her well. I had this strong gut-feel that she's being mistreated (for being a nuisance when all she wants is to snuggle up and keep close to her humans)...

:(

I asked Serene in my dreams if I can bring Maen home if they are not able to care for her anymore...

Then ER tossed and woke me up. THANK GOD IT WAS A DREAM!

I better go check on Maen soon :(

Mr Liow will be away on an overseas trip from 27th Nov to 5th Dec. I hope to meet the furkids before Christmas... :( Can I just have a day to spend to visit them please???

Dirty Windows?

Nope. It's Baileys and Maen.

These saliva stains can't go. It's been warm lately. Wonder if they are shedding...

Ethan, Another Maen

He is starting to show Maen-like behaviors more and more:

He crawls and drools all over the floor, just like she used to. The only difference is in the consistency of their drool (Maen's drool being thicker, stickier. ER's thinner).

He sticks to me like Maen loved to. She used to have to be so near to me I always end up tripping over her a lot. ER is another sticker.

He fidgets a lot during baths, like Maen used to. When I washed her face, she would look right into my eyes and that would probably be the only time she was still during baths. ER looks at me when I carry him face up, to wash his hair. And that's the only time he looks at me, and stops fidgeting.

Maen loved to hide in one particular 'cave' among the 3 that our coffee table comes with. The crawling boy has found those same 'caves' during one of his numerous crawling expedition and attempts to stick his head in that particular one. He needs a little more practice at aiming his head INTO the 'cave' because all he does is to forcefully push his head AGAINST the top of the table instead. Once he learns to get his head INTO the 'cave', he'll take over Maen's ex-territory.

Maen loved to jump onto the armrest of our sofa and to watch people playing downstairs. ER is doing the same now, except that he's more interested in the climbing than people watching.

Maen loved to rub herself on me, like ER enjoys rubbing his head against my face now.

I miss my little silly girl....i wonder how she's doing now. And Baileys. I can't forget how he was always around to make sure AN didn't fall off from anywhere high when she was ER's age now. These memories came back this afternoon while ER was attempting to dive onto the floor. Baileys wouldn't have given him the chance to dive...

Mum remembers how protective Baileys was with AN. She knows I miss them and she suggested we bring BM home for a short stay when they are ready.

I wish this is possible but I don't want to give them false hopes, or the wrong idea that 'boarding' is over. That's if their new parents agree to the stayover to begin with. Are they even ready for us to visit them yet?

I miss them.

Adrielle's Baileys and Maen

She's been sleeping with Baileys and Maen for few weeks now. Not them in real, but a blue doggie stuffed toy and a lamb.

She hugs them to sleep at night and if they went missing, she'd ask: "Where's Baileys and Maen?" The first time she asked, I thought she was asking about them and reminded her that they are not with us anymore. Then she said: "Not the real Baileys and Maen. I'm looking for MY Baileys and Maen." Then I recalled I named the stuffed toys after them once when playing. I don't want her to forget them. But of course she won't. Not so soon at least.

It's ironical.

I read my old old post, written long long ago when I was expecting her. I read my thoughts that I look forward to the day she gets to sleep with them on her bed (I won't allow it but I would just close an eye if they stole their way up, like they used to steal their way up to sleep with me in the past).

This day came, but we are missing the real furkids.

She missed them.

I looked at the windows, still stained with their saliva and casually commented it's time I clean them away (couldn't bear to). She pleaded with me not to. She said she wants to keep the stains. We came to an agreement: I'll leave one panel of saliva stains for her.

Have no idea what she wanted the stains for, even though she said yes when I asked if she wanted to keep them to remember them by. I suspect she probably notice me staring at them constantly and subconsciously wanted to keep them, for me.

ER is much more attentive now. He's better aware of his surroundings and even initiates hide and seek with AN and us.

That reminded me of AN at this age. She would be on the sofa, cruising along and looking around for the furkids. And she crawled with them. And crawled after them, then she ran with them, and after them. She laid beside them, and on them. She grew up with them, till I let them go.

What will ER learn about dogs? Will he know where dogs love to be scratched? Will he dare put his face right in front of one, to be licked? Will he get to feed any, the way AN got the opportunity to, the "Baileys and Maen" way? He will see lots of pictures we have of the furkids but feel nothing.

No Baileys to watch over him like how AN was watched over when she crawled. Baileys never allowed her to venture beyond the end of the sofa, and kept her on the platform when she crawled into it (when we still had it) because he didn't think she would crawl off it without falling (i think).

Watching her hug "them" to sleep now, I get mixed emotions. I wonder how much of them will she remember, how much will she forget as she grows up. I can't bear to forget them and can't bear for her to either.

Am going to constantly remind her. When will we get to meet them again?

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Good Homes

Went to pass BM's documents to Serene this afternoon. Those documents do not belong to us anymore. Baileys and Maen do not belong to us anymore...

It's hard sorting through their documents. We have receipts of each of their first vet visits, sterilization cert, the export to Tucson and import back to Singapore certs and a thick stack of documents, vet visits in Tucson, food receipts, their first license etc.... We're hoping to give only what is necessary and keep the rest to remember them by.

A little update on them:

Baileys:
He's been adopted by the boss of Tong Heng according to Serene. Mr Liow went "Wow!" and not wanting to sound ignorant, I kept silent and will ask Mr Liow what company Tong Heng was. After a while, I couldn't hold any longer and ask. Tong Heng is the cake shop beside Maxwell Food Centre I think. I asked but while Serene was explaining, ER had to start fidgeting...
-__________-".

She a single lady in her 50s, and healthy (so Baileys will not be orphaned but by then if he really is *touch a big tree*, ER should be old enough and he can come home to us! Anyway, she has a Jap Spitz who's the apple of her eye. She liked Baileys but had no intention of adopting him initially.

Her Jap Spitz was boarded with Serene for a week or so and this lady, when she came back for her furkid, appeared to like B. She had concerns that B will bully her Spitz whom she so loves dearly but Serene assured her B is the typical gentle CKCS. Serene had turned away many of those who appear interested because those do not appear to be people we can entrust the furkiddos to. This lady is a regular customer and Serene knows how she will treat B like treasure if he does go home with her.

She took B home to see if the dogs can get along and they did. B has been there since and Serene assured us B is very loved at his new home. He has a Cantonese name now. He's now "Kong kong", meaning healthy in Cantonese.

Serene has a picture of B with his new buddy. They were both lying on his new mummy's sofa.

That's cool. B and M have always loved to lie on sofas but since AN came, they weren't allowed to do that much. Now B gets to have all that again. And he gets cooked vegetables together with kibbles every meal.


Maen:
Maen got a lot of interested adopters. Why are we not surprised? She's cute, small, silly and very very very affectionate. My silly girl has always been a little charmer.

Guess who she's with now? She's with the family of Mastercard's VP.

Ok, I don't know who he is but that sounds like a very rich family she's gone to. She has a Shih Tzu companion now. It's an ang mo (Caucasian but we have yet to find out which country he was from) with a Singaporean wife. No kids and supposingly not in planning. Im sure both B and M will love to have kids in their new family but I just hope the family is not in our situation now. 2 young kids and no helper.

Maen will still be called Maen. In fact they call her " Mei Mei" which is what we always call her besides Maen.

Bad news is, they took her to the vet for a regular checkup and detected slight heart murmur....the last they had a checkup, it was in Tucson before we came back a year ago. The vet confidently told us they were healthy. Not just fit to fly back, but healthy with no major concerns. I distinctly remembered asking about heart murmurs because they were 5 years old then and he said they were both fine. Both their hearts sound good. Why at age 6 is her heart in trouble now...

This is not something we can hear and ignore.. :( when Mr Liow told me last night, I couldn't sleep well..Maen has heart murmur...

Serene said the new owners told her it's very slight and she doesn't even need to be medicated for it. I sure pray so...

And Maen has a weak knee. It 'clacks' when she moves her hind leg on one side. All the while I thought that was just stiff limbs because e 'clacking' happens only once in a while.

Serene says the new owners love them both to bits. We are assured to hear that but do not feel any less guilty. We have given up the best things that happened to us during the start of our lives together..Snippets of the time we spent together kept flashing across my mind..

My sole consolation is, they still have k9 companions. Maen has a SAHM with her and Baileys has a single mum who shares her love between only him and his buddy, and no one else.

We can't wait to meet them. Give them a few more weeks maybe, and at the first convenience of their new parents, we will pay them a visit.

As much as we miss them (we had been getting itchy patches on our bodies, ESP AN and I. Mr Liow says we are allergic to NO dog fur....!!), i feel happy knowing that when I'm away from home everyday, they are with people who love them and not neglected, waiting for us to come home.

We pray they will be healthy and happy. Please Lord, watch over them. Please do not let Maen's heart murmur worsen. In fact, we pray the next time the vet listens to her heart, it will be as normal as any k9's. And also, please keep her from reaching for the skies every time she jumps. Please protect her bad knee...

ER, unlike AN, will never know the joy of having fur siblings...he was with us at Pet Instinct and giggled when he heard a dog barking in the background. The moment the dog stopped barking, ER appeared to snap out of a trance and started staring around the unfamiliar store before crying in fear of the environment. Just a month ago, he was enjoying facials given by Maen and giggling at Baileys who had been sneezing.

I don't know what to make of this...is what we have, or do not have now, good or bad?

We miss the fur kids...

Back from our short getaway

Mr Liow booked a room at Festive Hotel for his birthday but postponed it to this week coz he had important things at work to settle.

Off we went to Sentosa after AN's school on Wed.

We had no programs planned for Wednesday, so Mr Liow took AN for a swim while I lazed in the room watching TV while nursing ER. It was really good having nothing to do...I'm missing it so much just by recalling past days' events...

Mr Liow planned for us to spend the day at Universal Studio Singapore (USS) on Thursday but it was extremely cloudy. We decided to go another day (we had till Nov to utilize those tickets) in case it rained and spent this day wandering around Sentosa. Had fun too at the Skyride & Luge. AN enjoyed herself soooooo much and that made us very happy parents. I couldn't wait to return to the hotel to laze further but took the sky & luge ride with AN. How do I refuse an extremely excited preschooler? She couldn't wait to show me what that ride was about. Mr Liow and I took 2 rides each and she had 4 coz we took her with us on every ride. She proudly requested: "Mummy, you should say thank you to me because I brought you up with this skyride", because I wasn't sure where to go and she was coz Mr Liow took her previously. I thanked her and requested that she thank me too, coz I 'drove' her down in the luge. She said there was no need for her to thank me because "I had to bring you up...you don't even know your way up..."

Oh well...

After the going-up-and-coming-down, we went to the Underwater World, packed dinner to have back at the hotel and ended the day. AN slept in the babycot we requested for ER -_____-"

We initially decided to have AN go to school today (Fri) but when I had to wake her this morning, I couldn't bear to. She was sad the night before when I told her that would be our last night. She loved the hotel stay as much as I did (mainly coz she enjoyed climbing up and down the bunk bed and sleeping in the babycot). And Mr Liow had to wake early.

Since this was a holiday, I asked if Mr Liow agree to allow her to skip another day of school which he gladly agreed. Our little girl got an extra day of fun :)

Seeing that weather wasn't too hot, we spent the whole day at USS after checking out.

It was super, extremely, terribly, horribly HUMID! I wished we had another night's stay (AN too, couldn't stop asking if we'd get to return to the hotel after this). But the hotel was full and we couldn't extend the stay :(

The drive home was sad....coz that was the end of our relaxing getaway. AN is old enough to feel post holiday blues at this age too. She started sobbing and asking when we'd come back to the hotel and USS again and repeatedly spoke of how much she liked the hotel.

We will be back. With 2 kids in tow, going further may not be ideal. I really don't mind doing this again! :)

P.s: Mr Liow got an sms from Serene informing that B has been adopted. We pray his new family will love him lots and that they will be blessed by his steadfast loyalty. They have a 9 yrs old spitz. B will have company. But the thought that B and M has been separated makes me go weak. I wonder how each of them are taking it :( M will no longer be B's companion and vice versa....I haven't just lost them both, I've cost them to lose each other....we sort of thought we'd get to meet the new owners before they leave with them but then again, we told Serene we trust her to find them suitable families to go to.

She suggested we give B time to settle down in his new home before visiting him...

B...M...

I can't start recalling how they always plays (played) with each other without tearing..they may probably never meet each other again... And ER will never get to grow up knowing he ever had fursiblings.....

The pain is back...Baileys, Maen.....mummy misses you, together and individually....

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Baileys and Maen: No new photos

After 2 weeks, my phone is finally back.

It's not really MY phone. They gave me a brand new one to replace my old one, citing a shortage of replacement parts when I asked why my phone was being replaced.

Usually when I get a new phone with camera, or anything with camera, I'll do a test shot on the furkids. It's a ritual, something out of habit since 6 years ago, with my 1st VGA camera phone.

This time, no furkids to shoot. 2 weeks ago before the old phone got sent in for repairs, they were still around.

Serene will be out of town from 15th to 20th May, which is just a few days from now. Was thinking of visiting Baileys and Maen this Sunday but it's ok. We shall drop by next weekend.

It's probably better that we do not visit them this soon anyway. Like Mark told us the first time we left them with him during my 1st confinement: "Dont let them think you are coming back for them and then leave." when we wanted to go visit them on days I got to leave the house for doctor visits.

It's different this time. Same words. But different scenario.

Was hungry a while ago and got up for a cup of Milo. I heard the pitter patter of footsteps as I prepared my drink. The 2 forever-hungry K9s have yet to refuse themselves a trip into the kitchen with me, regardless of how late in the night  or early in the morning it is (was). For all they know, I could be sleep-walking and preparing food for them without realizing it.

I was hallucinating.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

It wasn't them.

Baileys and Maen: Then

I will try to remember to indicate in the titles should I be posting about Baileys and Maen. It's getting depressing and unhealthy for friends who have kids and dogs at the same time to read at this point. Please do remember that dogs and children CAN live together. AN never fell sick because of them with this happening....


...and even ER has yet to be sick coz of them (with his elder sis, at some point, pacifying him with her unwashed fingers, even if she had just touched the furkids).

At Pinetop, 2010


End of trip to Pinetop. Baileys feeling SNOW for the first time....I missed holding him close


Them with the little AN when we just arrived at States.

IT'S.ALL.MY.FAULT