Mummy don't cry anymore

My human baby comforts me over the heartless choice I made.

I gave my first babies up.

I miss them. I never want to forget them. And it seems like drawing them helps. It's like staring right at them and observing every bit of them again. What I have to get used to is, I don't get to feel them.

These gaps in my heart will forever be reserved for the deserving.

Miss you both so much.

2 Missing Pieces

Saw 2 Malteses. A 13 years old and a 7 years old, both boys.

The old boy reminds me of Maen. He's not jumpy or excitable like her but he gazes gently and quietly at me when I spoke to him. Maen calms down when I hold her in my arms and watches me so intently like the world stops when I speak to her.

I miss you Maen. I miss you Baileys.

AN asked which of the 2 liked to bully the other. The younger of the 2 Maltese boys is the bully.

Maen likes to initiate play but she's also the first one to belly up.

AN asked if they loved playing with each other.

They did. They really did.

And the pavement we walk on now, the spaciousness and fact that not a lot of people walk around this part of our estate,  the furkids would have loved to run free without their leashes.

They each have new companions now. It hurts to have to recall that even if they loved each other and couldn't do without each other, they now have a new family each. And new friends.

I miss them so badly. I deserve this pain. I hope they don't feel anything by now.

I'm sorry babies.....

Happy Birthday Baileys

Darling you are 9 years old. I'm sure you are having white hair now but I am not with you to count them.

I pray that you will never need to feel pain in the next few years of your life.

I'll see you again. If there's one time I wish rebirth is real, this is it. Maybe when your beloved human kids are grown up, I'll invite another k9 into our home.

And when I see those eyes again, I'll know it's you.

Baileys I love you. I wish I can hug you on your special day but I gave that up.

My Prince Royal. Happy 9 years old. .....

Sleeping on my belly

ER behaves a lot like Maen. Maybe because he's still young. Maen is like a little girl who never grows up. She is lovely that way.

She loved to sleep on my head and rest her head on my neck after Mr Liow left for work in the past. He wouldn't allow them on the bed but they knew I loved sleeping with them.

Baileys' favorite spot is between my legs. He rests his head on my belly and snuggles the rest of his body tucked nicely between my thighs.

ER had been sleeping on my belly lately. It used to be random and I didn't notice when he started getting used to it and by now, I'll his pillow.

This felt like the times I had with Baileys. I could imagine it was Baileys and not ER.

The only difference is, ER faces up at the ceiling as he lies on my belly but Baileys will be looking at me.

The mystery of time travel. If only my mind is strong enough to take me back, I said I wouldn't have brought the furkids home.

But I also long to go back to when I was their pillow. When Baileys was my trusted buddy and Maen, my shadow.

Where should I start visiting?

Missing you

Baileys, do you still get to gaze into your new mummy's eyes like you do did with me?

I miss you. More so when the kids do not behave. You would always be around to lick my tears away, instantly. Only Maen and you have the ability to calm me down. Now that both of you are not with me, it is terribly hard to pick myself up on some days.

I have only pictures of you to imagine with. To imagine that you are still here to assure me that things are going to be ok. To jump onto my lap when I sit on the floor. I no longer do. Because I do not have the both of you anymore. Sitting on the floor mean nothing anymore.

Many times I wonder why I do not have to speak a word and you understand what I want but I can speak every word I know and the kids do not understand. I can't even remember when both of you learnt to stay on your bed whenever you see me come with mop and pail. Both of you do not step around till I say ok. Who taught you that? I'm sure you taught Maen that.

Who taught you to hear me when you do not understand the words I say? Who taught you to love us so much?

Baby, I miss you. I really really wish I have the ability to go back to when I never had to choose to make you leave. Darling, I miss you....

Believe me Baileys. Mummy really loves you. I mean forever and I wish we have forever to be together.

Baileys

In the storybook, you would be going to school like any human kid.

In real life, you will never become human.

Are you sleeping? You better be. It's late. I love you baby.

心很痛

I've never forgotten the both of you and I never will.

Pictures bring back memories and much pain. If it pains me, how much more you both?

If I had lost any of you to sickness, maybe the pain might have been less.

But then again, maybe not. Without the both of you, life lost its colors.

My babies. I missed sniffing into your fur. I missed hearing your sneezes. I miss the lap rides. I missed both of your loving gazes. I missed having you both dry my tears when I cry. I missed feeling your body warmth.

I missed steaming fish for you and watching both of you make your food disappear in an instance.

I love you both as much as my flesh and blood.

I deserve retaining pain as memories.

Do you miss each other? Do you miss jumping at each other and sleeping beside each other?

Please always be healthy. Please never stop smiling.

I love the both of you so much it hurts.

Baileys and Maen

I saw Baileys and Maen again.

In my dream, we were walking near a park and saw a pack of cavaliers.

Cavaliers get a lot of our attention because of BM. So, we started admiring then.

Then a little one ran up to sit right in front of me. I turned to tell AN this one looked like Maen.

As I patted it, it started jumping up and licking me. I rubbed its body (since it's so friendly and realized she's a girl) body and saw she had a lozenges on her head.

That was Maen! Her patches, her gaze, her behavior...that was her!

We started looking for Baileys and found him. He had been watching us but didn't approach us.

We went to him and he sat there waiting.

We then brought them home.

This time, I thought it was real....I thought their new owners abandoned them and we could bring them home again..

In the dream, Mr Liow felt so upset that BM became strays for who-knew-how-long! I was just relieved our family is whole again.

Judy, wake up. Life is different now.

I dreamt of my babies

I saw Baileys and Maen in my dream last night.

Maen grew fatter but still petite. Baileys had more white hair.

They both shared my laps and I was crying non stop.

I knew I was dreaming and I feared waking up. I didn't want to open my eyes and come back to reality. I could feel their warmth, their furry bodies, I could smell them. I couldn't afford to leave them again.....

That day at 十份 when we released the floating lanterns, I wrote them a short note.

Babies, you received my note, right?

My life will never be complete again. I miss both of you so so so much....

A Day Out

Mr Liow volunteered to take care of ER today so I could bring AN out. Just my daughter and I!
AN asked to do sand art, so off we went to Nex.

We got there at about 10.30am but realized the art stall opens AFTER 12pm. Having lots of time on hand, we went shopping.

It's hard to resist shopping for a girl. I got her leggings, a necklace and a magnetic dress up set. She was super hungry by then, so we went for prata! Timing was perfect, because she was hungry before starting on the art work. If it was the other way around, she probably would have missed lunch.



I had a great time with her and I think she did too. We laughed and joked and she hugged me as she walked. It was such a lovely afternoon together that I suddenly wished that she is my only child. I missed giving her all these attention.

While waiting to do the sand art, AN asked to check out the puppies at Pet Safari.

We walked through rows of BM's favorite treats. I told AN what we used to buy for them. And I saw a ceramic bowl that was perfect for keeping their spaniel ears out of their food and it was only $7.90.

I told AN of my find and she looked at me sympathetically, squeezing my hand that she had been holding and softly reminded me: "Mummy, Baileys and Maen are not with us anymore. Don't be sad, don't cry anymore ok?"

Her words of consolation made me feel like laughing and crying at the same time.

We were done by 3.30pm and AN was hungry again. We grabbed some finger food before heading home. She fell asleep on the bus.

I totally forgot about the little boy at home with his daddy while outside, but the moment I stepped in the house and saw that adorable smile and heard his enthusiastic exclamation: "MUMMY!", I melted.

I seriously wish I can divide myself so that they don't have to live with divided attention.

I love my little ones.

Maen

Mae,

I dreamt of you last night. Was it because you were thinking of me?

I dreamt we were back together and I couldn't stop crying as I hugged you. You kept really still in my arms.

But I woke up and hated that moment of reality when I realized you were not home with me. I wasn't cuddling you. My face was wet. I had been sobbing in my sleep. I shut my eyes tight and hope to sleep again. I want to go back to cuddling you.

The busy-ness of life takes my mind off you each day. But when memories of us together comes back, it hits hard.

Of the many times I dreamt of the both of you, this is the first few that I actually post. I'm not worthy to even speak of you and Baileys.

But my heart still aches for both of you.

AN asked if we can have dogs in future. I told her I only want the both of you back. I don't know how many more years in future will you still have. But the Lord will be really merciful to me if I ever get to spend your last days with you.

I miss you, babies. I miss you so much it hurts.....

Baileys and Maen

Them in AN's memory...

Dog Welcomes Home Soldier...Again

This made me cry. Chucky (the dog in the video) behaves like Baileys.

Everyday in the past, whenever Mr Liow came home from a trip, that would be how Baileys would greet him. Almost identical jumps, licks and exact excitement.

Baileys, do you feel excited still? I miss you and I'm not happy having to miss you. I want to hold you. I want to smell you. I'm sorry baby. I really hope you are happier than I ever will be...

The Earth Under Our Feet

AN learnt about our earth in January.

In one of her lesson, Miss Sue asked the kids to draw what they thought were underground.

I was more captivated by what AN drew was above the ground: our family, particularly ER in my arms.

But, no Baileys and Maen.

She still asks about them but we can see she is starting to forget them...

Painful because Mr Liow and I just spent our first Chinese New Year without our Baileys.

And no matter how much fun we had recently because of the holidays, it was not the same. It will never be the same again.

I dreamt of Baileys

I was walking around my neighborhood and met Diane with a poodle instead of Bingo (her corgi). AN asked me where Bingo went because that was not Diane's dog. I remembered telling AN they have 2 dogs and Bingo was probably at home.

Then I noticed another dog looking at me. That gaze felt so familiar. At first glance, he looked like a poodle but as I looked on, I realized he looked like Baileys but taller and slightly bigger (not like a poodle anymore). He was walking but looking at me all the time. The further he got, the more I realized he was Baileys. (note: I will never forget him but he didn't look the same in the dream)

He came to the bbq area (I must have been following him because I had no reason to be there) and joined the crowd having a feast there. He had an owner.

The last memory I have of that dream was how he looked away and then turned back a last time to look at me one last time before disappearing into the crowd.

My heart ached when I watched him disappear....

Baileys I miss u.

Dirty Windows?

Nope. It's Baileys and Maen.

These saliva stains can't go. It's been warm lately. Wonder if they are shedding...

ER, Remember...

You had 2 canine buddies. This is Baileys and he loves kids.

Missing Baileys

Found this half written post and decided to continue....

It's been 2 months. I wonder how they are doing.

Spent some time helping Mr Liow with his report last night till almost 2am. Baileys and Maen would usually be waiting outside.

After returning to the kids' room, I couldn't really go to sleep. Memories were keeping me awake.

I recalled how Baileys came home with us the first day. Mr Liow was so afraid of hurting fragile little Baileys and for the first time in his life, Mr Liow road hogged. He drove a normal speed with Maen, and even on our home after my stay at Mt.A with my newborn human babies. With B, he drove really really safe.

B was unsure upon reaching home. He inspected the place, trodded gingerly on the tiled floor, sniffed around and jumped at the little sound. I couldn't stop cuddling him and he welcomed that. And I sprung into action, ready to toilet train him. It didn't take long for him to realize cuddles feel good, and soon he knew where he had to do his business. He was trapped near the toilet before he was fully toilet trained while we were at work, but escaped one day, soon after he came home with us. When we saw him greeting us at the door, we were ready for a house of poop and pee, because he wasn't ready yet!

To our very pleasant surprise, the house was clean. He actually squeezed his way back in to do his business in the toilet! Smart boy!

We used to sleep together while Mr Liow worked in the room and we encountered our first tremor together as a family late one night! We carried him and ran down to wait till the tremors went away.

He chewed on corners of our furnitures and sofa during his first year.

He loved to sit between our laps and still did before he left us.

I missed his face, his constantly being near, his smell....I missed calling his name, I missed his footsteps. I missed running my hands over his bony body frame, missed trimming his nails while he rested on my laps...people used to advise me to trim his nails while he was awake since he was a puppy because otherwise, by the time he grew older and stronger and not so sleepy anymore, he wouldn't allow me to trim his nails.

That didn't happen. He still sleeps till the last time I trimmed his nails before he left. And he allowed me to trim his paw fur with the wahl shaver since the very first time without any struggle...someone said he must have trusted me a lot because the noise startle some dogs and it takes a little getting used to the feeling on their paws...He trusted me but I failed him.

I remember how he started to mark the house after AN came. He marked the vacuum cleaner, the broom, marked corners and several other spots. But he was never mean to AN the newborn. He grew with her and loved her. She grew up loving their presence and could stop lying on them. Baileys would simply walk away when he didn't enjoy being laid on. She would forcefully hug him and he'd just try to escape or if she caught him, he'd resign to fate and sit still. I'd warn baby AN that he'd bite her if he felt threatened but I didn't feel like I was describing him at all. He never did, no matter how over affectionate AN was with him.

Up till his last encounter with ER, he was never aggressive. In fact, he had gotten the chance to 'taste' the new boy on the block.

I wonder how he's doing now. I wonder what he's doing now. I wonder if he misses the kids. I wonder if he prefers his new buddy or misses Maen the irritating little silly girl...I wonder if....

Ethan, Another Maen

He is starting to show Maen-like behaviors more and more:

He crawls and drools all over the floor, just like she used to. The only difference is in the consistency of their drool (Maen's drool being thicker, stickier. ER's thinner).

He sticks to me like Maen loved to. She used to have to be so near to me I always end up tripping over her a lot. ER is another sticker.

He fidgets a lot during baths, like Maen used to. When I washed her face, she would look right into my eyes and that would probably be the only time she was still during baths. ER looks at me when I carry him face up, to wash his hair. And that's the only time he looks at me, and stops fidgeting.

Maen loved to hide in one particular 'cave' among the 3 that our coffee table comes with. The crawling boy has found those same 'caves' during one of his numerous crawling expedition and attempts to stick his head in that particular one. He needs a little more practice at aiming his head INTO the 'cave' because all he does is to forcefully push his head AGAINST the top of the table instead. Once he learns to get his head INTO the 'cave', he'll take over Maen's ex-territory.

Maen loved to jump onto the armrest of our sofa and to watch people playing downstairs. ER is doing the same now, except that he's more interested in the climbing than people watching.

Maen loved to rub herself on me, like ER enjoys rubbing his head against my face now.

I miss my little silly girl....i wonder how she's doing now. And Baileys. I can't forget how he was always around to make sure AN didn't fall off from anywhere high when she was ER's age now. These memories came back this afternoon while ER was attempting to dive onto the floor. Baileys wouldn't have given him the chance to dive...

Mum remembers how protective Baileys was with AN. She knows I miss them and she suggested we bring BM home for a short stay when they are ready.

I wish this is possible but I don't want to give them false hopes, or the wrong idea that 'boarding' is over. That's if their new parents agree to the stayover to begin with. Are they even ready for us to visit them yet?

I miss them.

Adrielle's Baileys and Maen

She's been sleeping with Baileys and Maen for few weeks now. Not them in real, but a blue doggie stuffed toy and a lamb.

She hugs them to sleep at night and if they went missing, she'd ask: "Where's Baileys and Maen?" The first time she asked, I thought she was asking about them and reminded her that they are not with us anymore. Then she said: "Not the real Baileys and Maen. I'm looking for MY Baileys and Maen." Then I recalled I named the stuffed toys after them once when playing. I don't want her to forget them. But of course she won't. Not so soon at least.

It's ironical.

I read my old old post, written long long ago when I was expecting her. I read my thoughts that I look forward to the day she gets to sleep with them on her bed (I won't allow it but I would just close an eye if they stole their way up, like they used to steal their way up to sleep with me in the past).

This day came, but we are missing the real furkids.

She missed them.

I looked at the windows, still stained with their saliva and casually commented it's time I clean them away (couldn't bear to). She pleaded with me not to. She said she wants to keep the stains. We came to an agreement: I'll leave one panel of saliva stains for her.

Have no idea what she wanted the stains for, even though she said yes when I asked if she wanted to keep them to remember them by. I suspect she probably notice me staring at them constantly and subconsciously wanted to keep them, for me.

ER is much more attentive now. He's better aware of his surroundings and even initiates hide and seek with AN and us.

That reminded me of AN at this age. She would be on the sofa, cruising along and looking around for the furkids. And she crawled with them. And crawled after them, then she ran with them, and after them. She laid beside them, and on them. She grew up with them, till I let them go.

What will ER learn about dogs? Will he know where dogs love to be scratched? Will he dare put his face right in front of one, to be licked? Will he get to feed any, the way AN got the opportunity to, the "Baileys and Maen" way? He will see lots of pictures we have of the furkids but feel nothing.

No Baileys to watch over him like how AN was watched over when she crawled. Baileys never allowed her to venture beyond the end of the sofa, and kept her on the platform when she crawled into it (when we still had it) because he didn't think she would crawl off it without falling (i think).

Watching her hug "them" to sleep now, I get mixed emotions. I wonder how much of them will she remember, how much will she forget as she grows up. I can't bear to forget them and can't bear for her to either.

Am going to constantly remind her. When will we get to meet them again?

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