AN's Field Trip

This girl's excitement at her first field trip to Arizona Friends of Chamber Music Youth Concert

My Imperfect Children

AN has this bad habit. Despite being told that a playdate has to end there and then. She would get upset and express it such that it makes me wonder why I would even arrange for a play date in the first place....

Over the weekend, it happened twice.

I got to a point where i broke down. So did they. Both of them. Even though ER was innocent, he suffered my anger more than she did. Because she had the luxury of a study table in her room to work on. ER, not yet.

ER is my peace.... Even though I flared up at him that much, he persisted in lifting my mood up.

Finally it was time for dinner on Sat evening and I got them to put all their work aside.

We sat down for dinner.

They apologised. I broke down and wondered aloud why they (specifically AN) has to, without fail, show her displeasure at the end of every play date. She's 11! She should be the matured one!

I was having my meal halfway through and couldn't continue when I started sharing my pain with the kids.

ER hugged me tight. After analysing the situation and feeling confident it was safe for a family hug, he pulled AN close to us and initiated that we speak to God.

"Mummy Let's pray."

And for the first time, my boy prayed for me. For us. He had his arms around AN and I. And he prayed a matured prayer

"Dear Lord Jesus, please help mummy feel better. Please bless our family and help us not to be upset with each other. Help jie jie to not make mummy angry anymore."

He stopped. We usually continue each other's prayer. But that day, his prayer was more than enough for me. For us.

Our God listens to the little ones. I see how the Lord works on AN's faith. The Lord will be ER's peace too.

My boy then picked up my fork and started feeding me without a second word. His other arm was still on my back and he was patting me. It was so comforting.

AN was apologetic too. She's such a sweet girl. That's one of the only few issues I have with her.

I love my children. Sometimes it's easy sometimes it's hard. When I find it hard to love them, I see myself being an unlovable mum as well. It works both ways. The kids will always drop me notes.

These are precious. I don't know when these notes will stop. But my prayer is that even when they do, our relationship will continue to grow and take root in the love and safety of our Father's hands.

I pray that the Lord will speak through me. See through me. Think through me. I am His vessel. I want to be a vessel He can use.

On Our Way to Far Far Away. Again

This is the day we had been preparing for. Half a year of uncertainty (not knowing if he'd get picked to go), another half of preparation (throw Ald donate, buy to bring with us). Many things couldn't be done till the last minute (the packing, Marshmallow's paperwork, leasing out our own apartment and leasing an apartment for ourselves etc).

Lishi assured me 10 years ago when we were doing the same: 船到桥头自然直。It's a constant reminder even up till today.

The beautiful sights that accompanied us through the 26 hours (about 6 hours of transit in between)

School Day

Kids are finally in school!

ER was so excited he woke up on his own this morning.

AN waved bye to us when this really warm hearted little girl Kaylee came to greet us and offered to help her get used to class!

Should I still put them in Legacy? Sonoran has only space for AN in Grade 5. Not for ER is Grade 2. It's always hard to keep changing environments for the kids. I pray for good friends for both of them in this school. But that will make iy harder for them to move to another school once they already have friends.

Dear Lord Jesus, lead me on this journey as I plan out the logistics for the kids....

Galeria Del Rio vs Avilla Marana

And so, we chose this really beautiful house while we were still in Singapore. It has 2 levels and a garage. And carpets. And it was merely 4 mins from the school we were looking to enroll them.

But it wasn't all smooth. We didn't have good vibes when we signed the lease. The manager was always not around. And she didn't pick up the many calls we made to arrange to sign the lease. Didn't return call either. It came to a point where we were thinking "just sign the lease and then we won't need them for the next couple of years". She wouldn't show us the house even after we signed the lease.

Thus came the big disappointment when we finally opened the door. Ground level wasn't carpeted. And we weren't informed about it.

They pushed it to us saying that we never mentioned we wanted carpets. But their marketing materials on their website, their show unit and all other information we could only rely on, showed carpets. Like we won't request for a fridge, washer, dryer etc because it's there ion the plans.

We moved into Galeria on 5th Jan 2018. We have checked out of the hotel and there was nowhere for us to stay by then. We had the option to either take it or leave it. They were nice enough to allow us to leave without penalties (paying only prorated rent) but where were we supposed to go??

We checked out Avilla Marana. Desmond Loh and Eileen had been helping us check out These 2 properties months back. They both loved Avilla Marana. Desmond had repeatedly asked why not Avilla. It's walking distance to Target and enjoy endless choices of amenities. Galeria is at such an isolated location and poorly lit.

It was only after all the bad experience that we decided to try see if there was any units left.

THANK GOD THERE WAS ONE. ONLY ONE! God is with us, despite the hiccups. Here at Avilla, they are very professional! They asked for all our documents to proof we are decent people. Not at Galeria. She couldn't be bothered.

The feeling we got when we stepped into Avilla Marana was a total opposite to when we stepped into Galeria. Avilla Marana was also wooden flooring as with Galeria. But we loved out.

Our house at Avilla has wood that was nicely varnished. Rooms were nicely scented with freshly cleaned carpets, nicely and fluffy. Felt clean!

Galeria's wooden flooring looked like they had just been laid and work in progress. It looked and felt raw. Carpets were wet but flat and dull. Didn't seem to have been properly cleaned. And part of their requirements for full deposit back at the end of lease, was to have professional cleaning of the carpets.

At Avilla, all they want to see was clean carpets. No stains. Rug doctor was enough too. That was all.

We have a view at Avilla. None at Galeria where every window looks into the window of our neighbor from front back left and right..

Even the garage was too small for the Sienna we got. It was exact fit for the 7 seater. Can't open the back door to off load grocery with the garage door shut. That defeats the purpose of us having a garage where we could offload our purchase in the safety of our enclosed garage..

Moving into Avilla as the best decision we made right from when we arrived. Everyone is happy including Marshmallow. He now sniffles with us on the bed. Shiok to the max..

Off to Tucson We Go Again

Been a hectic few months. Quick summary to recap main events.

Boxes were collected on 19th December 2017. We ended up with 55 boxes and including odd sized items, our final inventory reached a figure of 70 plus.

House was to be handed over on 22nd Dec 2017 so we all went to stay at my parents' place again. Kids had a wonderful time bonding with my parents. I was very certain separation will be painful. And it was indeed when we left for the airport on 1st Jan 2018.

Settled Marshmallow's exportation matters. Engaged Pampered Pets to get the paperwork done. Could have done it myself. Wasn't that hard actually 😒

Met up with friends. Didn't manage to meet up with others. Weeks leading to our departure were packed with having to get some last minute stuff done.

1 Jan 2017
The day we left. The ministry came. My BFFs came. Our families came. There were tears. Sometimes I wonder when people say, spend as much time with your loved ones before a separation so we won't regret later on. But it feels like the more time we spend with each other, the more painful the separation becomes later on.

We are loved. Very loved and very blessed. There are so many people who love us so deep. In comparison, what's this pain of separation in exchange for quality time with those who love us so much.

2 Jan 2018
Our flight took 24 hours to reach our destination. Smooth for the human. Not for the cat. We were instructed to drop Marshmallow at the baggage drop. Instructions were very clear over the phone when I called UA.

On the actual day though, no one could tell us exactly where to drop Marshmallow. Or rather, we were told by the counter that we had to bring him to cargo, which we didn't believe. Because it was what the customer service person instructed over the phone. We queued for baggage drop assistance. Went to baggage self drop. No one was interested to help. They would only go "no it's not here."

Thank God we had 5 hours of transit. We spent 2 hours trying to find out exactly where to drop Marshmallow. It was indeed at the cargo area which is 5 mins drive from the terminal. And we are USD$40 poorer, just to drop him at a location that's 5 mins drive away.....

But all was good.

Kids were well and excited when we arrived. Marshmallow was overwhelmed but well too. We had many people come pick us. And then we headed over to La Quinta for the night. We were to spend the next 3 nights there.

On Higher Grounds

Funny cat is realising our dining table isn't the highest point in the house!

AN's Art Wardrobe

Finally can see inside of wardrobe! It's been 5 years since we 'met'. Hi again! I'll see more of you in the next few days!

Girls' Brigade Camp

Baby girl has gone for her GB camp.  I got to send her off last year but coz the happy pill is running a fever and the daddy is on a full day shift today (he needed the car coz he will not be back till 4am tomorrow), I couldn't do so.

After packing last night,  baby girl asked if I would miss her.  I thought I wouldn't but I am missing her now. She forsee that I will miss her,  and wrote this note for us.

"Read this whenever you miss me ok?"

She's always been a very sweet girl. She's growing up with a mind of her own, more resistant to instructions now but still sweet as ever. She gets into trouble with me a lot coz to be frank,  my expectation of her is higher.  We, as adults,  are entitled to preferences and we too,  get upset when things do not go our way. Her too. But for some reasons,  when she shows her displeasure,  she gets into trouble for it. Not only with me as her mum,  but with a couple of others who make passing comments that she is difficult.  There was a time these 'feedback' affected me but other than managing my own expectation of her,  I no longer care about comments by people who do not know MY daughter like I do.

My daughter, despite constant arguments with my boy (oversensitive as someone puts it), fusses over him whenever he is sick.  She sets up a rest area for him,  complete with blanket,  pillow and bolster  on the sofa, turns on his favorite cartoon program and waits on him whenever he whines for anything.  She teaches him, everything! She's a totally awesome teacher! I've missed out on updating about the thousands of topics she had taught him since he was really little,  and uninterested (he's still not a keen learner at this age).  For this year,  she took on my responsibility and revised his chinese words with him because she was with me at his meet-the-parents session and knew exactly what help he needed.

Without ever me asking,  she would always whip out the whiteboard to teach him,  anything from Chinese,  to maths,  to even drawing.

This is my girl. Not the uncooperative, sensitive and difficult girl some people whisper about her.

Mums, do not ever let others comments affect our relationship with our kids.  And mums,  cut each other some slack and stop judging. I'm sure none of our kids are perfect, so watch the behavior of our own kids instead of observing others' and criticizing them.

I Am Back

It's been 3 years since my last post.

I've missed out on a lot of documentations.....of things and people in my life.

In a flash, Ethan is now 7 and Adrielle is 10.

They have said so many darnest things that I would have recorded here, but I didn't  and now I rely on facebook to remind me.

So, why am I back?

Seems like every change in my life makes me miss writing.

Mr Liow went for an interview last week and he passed it. This means that we are very likely going to Tucson again and it's going to happen before Christmas this year.  This,  in my opinion,  is not confirmed till the official order is out.

And yes,  I want to continue documenting my life.  Not for the scrutiny of the unknown public but for family and friends who care. That which happened some years back turned me off sharing my life publicly for long enough.

That move to Tucson,  I'll continue to update as we gather more updates along the way.

And what had changed in these 3 years?

We now have a cat.  That cat is the sweetest thing we found,  so we call him Marshmallow.

In summary of how he came into our home: He was a stray. We started feeding him.  He appeared sick. I took him to vet. I brought him home to administer antibiotics. He went missing after vet visit (disappeared right under my nose). Realised he hid in the storeroom the 30+hours. I showered him,  trimmed his stray-cat-sharp nails and he didn't maul me into pieces.  He pee and poop in the ltter box naturally (I didn't even tell him to....) He gradually stole our hearts except Mr Liow who never liked cats.  He's ok with him and doesn't dislike him now, but no love.

And so he said that IF we ever do go to Tucson again,  cat is not going.

Never expect that we'd be going again after 2015 came and ended.

Am I going to leave cat behind? Nope. Giving up on animals who love me deeply,  once is more than enough.

Next, I still have only 2 human kids. Enough.  Lots of grooming and upbringing and testing of my character.  More about them from now on. 

Me? I'm into fitness these days. Keeping fit,  because skinny is no longer an option.  My body doesn't know skinny anymore,  you see.

I've so much to write but I should not be hogging the toilet for so long.

I'll end with what my maternal instinct inspired me to post:

Tolerance

This young chap had his arms around his girlfriend the whole time at the crowded showflat and even as we were in deep discussion about the process of home ownership, he instinctively stretched his arm out to shield his girlfriend or pull her close to him whenever a crowd approached.

As we chatted, she asked me when I got married.

"That's my age now! She smiled.

I saw ourselves in the both of them yesterday too.

Once upon a time, his voice was tender. 

He would shield me too. 

As time went by, work affected his mood and he didn't have the capacity to be tender anymore. 

I responded in kind. 

And now he would shout at me right in my face. 

He said: "我忍你很久了"。

Because he has the rights to be affected by requests that he wasn't willing to comply with.

This time he told me. 

Other time he simply kept quiet as we drove home. 

What should I be processing in my head? I wondered if he's upset with my long hours at showflat? Or what? 

He has the rights to feel upset when it is not what he wants. 

I maintain my rights to get upset that he snaps just because there is now a reason to. How am I suppose to know when he's really upset or when he's not even though he looks genuinely upset even when he claims not to be??

Some things kill relationships. 

In quarrels, never call names ("神经病") or use terminating sentences ("我忍你很久了")。

Aren't you challenging me to call it quits because you tell me right in the face that you have been tolerating me long enough? 

That's terminal. Because tolerance has a limit. Forbearance doesn't. 

He tolerated me long enough. For? For screaming at the kids like a crazy woman all the time? For having to juggling between sending out urgent proposals while referee-ing kiddy fights at the same time? For feeling the pressure of watching laundry pile up? For remembering that Adrielle hasn't studied for her 听写 when it's tomorrow? 

My expressions as a result of that. My explosions. My behavior. Unforgivable I admit. 

But I've never shouted at him right in the face, anything that suggested I had enough. 

I bite the bullet and go on treading on landmines daily. 

He had enough of my explosions apparently. 

He didn't mean it. He only said it. To me. 

So we're OK now?

No we are not. 

He's just tolerating me.

Mummy don't cry anymore

My human baby comforts me over the heartless choice I made.

I gave my first babies up.

I miss them. I never want to forget them. And it seems like drawing them helps. It's like staring right at them and observing every bit of them again. What I have to get used to is, I don't get to feel them.

These gaps in my heart will forever be reserved for the deserving.

Miss you both so much.

2 Missing Pieces

Saw 2 Malteses. A 13 years old and a 7 years old, both boys.

The old boy reminds me of Maen. He's not jumpy or excitable like her but he gazes gently and quietly at me when I spoke to him. Maen calms down when I hold her in my arms and watches me so intently like the world stops when I speak to her.

I miss you Maen. I miss you Baileys.

AN asked which of the 2 liked to bully the other. The younger of the 2 Maltese boys is the bully.

Maen likes to initiate play but she's also the first one to belly up.

AN asked if they loved playing with each other.

They did. They really did.

And the pavement we walk on now, the spaciousness and fact that not a lot of people walk around this part of our estate,  the furkids would have loved to run free without their leashes.

They each have new companions now. It hurts to have to recall that even if they loved each other and couldn't do without each other, they now have a new family each. And new friends.

I miss them so badly. I deserve this pain. I hope they don't feel anything by now.

I'm sorry babies.....

Crying for mummy

I'm shivering now.

Miss Ho called and said AN was crying when she got off her bus and couldn't stop crying through assembly.

What happened to my baby? She was ok when I sent her up the school bus. And she had never complained about school. What happened?

ER had been throwing up since last night. He didn't attend school today. AN had my undivided attention since day 1 of Primary school till today. Did she cry because she felt neglected?

Did someone do or say something nasty to her in the bus?

Did she fall asleep and had a bad dream she woke up crying from?

What happened....? :(

Missing the big baby

This is her 3rd day in school and I'm missing her more each day.

Like the first time she attended preschool, I could feel her absence from home. I missed her more than I missed ER at every of such milestone. I can't explain why.

I cried the first few weeks when she left for school in the morning when she started attending Shekinah. I was on the verge of tears when I brought her home from there for the last time.

I was emotional on her first day at St. Hilda's.

Today is day 3 and I can't wait for her to come home. The past 2 mornings after she left in the school bus, I felt empty. It was the same today.

Not so much for ER. I was actually kinda excited that he's growing up. I was excited when he attended Shekinah in June last year. Maybe I should wait til he goes into Primary School too before I start comparing my emotions.

I would tell them I wish they remain in school when they simply refuse to cooperate at times. I don't mean it. I miss them when they are not around.

This is the agony of motherhood I guess. At least that's for me. I wish for my own freedom when they drive me up the wall and when I do get freedom, I await their return back home.

Quite unfair. Hmm. ....

9 years and counting

Happy anniversary to Chris Liow! This must be the most tiring anniversary in years.

My bones are breaking, so are yours, from dashing around the park to checking into the next hotel.

And from carrying the little Tiger because he's cold, or tired, or hungry, or because he's tired of looking at butts when he walks.

Thank God the Princess is good help some of the time.

Thanks for bringing us here.

And the Lord is great! We had a bright and sunny day at the park today (despite the cold weather) after non-stop rainy ones since we reached. Makes this day an enjoyable one.

One more day and it's over. I wish this holiday never ends but I also look forward to going back home because I want to finish washing those laundry in the laundry bag.

Whatever that is, thank God for you in my life. The many struggles we have to face make me appreciate you more each time. But growing up has its pains. For Love to grow stronger, love muscles need to be trained. Bear with me when I'm sore because I'm in the process of building our future on a better note.

I'm exercising some muscle.

Happy anniversary.

Saying No

All the time.

AN ALWAYS HAS TO REFUSE.

ALWAYS.

EVERY EFFORT AND ATTEMPT AT SURPRISING HER WITH FOOD OR EVENTS THAT WE WOULD EXPECT HER TO SMILE OR ENJOY WILL GO DOWN THE DRAIN AND END UP IN DISAPPOINTMENT. WITHOUT FAIL.

BECAUSE HER FIRST RESPONSES WILL ALWAYS BE A FROWN AND "BUT I DON'T LIKE THAT".

EVEN IF SHE HAS NEVER TRIED IT BEFORE. EVEN IF SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS.

HER RESPONSES WILL ALWAYS BE NEGATIVE.

And I just gave myself a chance to experience negativity for the whole month of December.

Stupid right?

Chinese Oral Assessment

She was given 2 passages to prepare.

One of which was to simply read the passage out. The other was to include some information about herself with a given template to help.

I thought that the results were great encouragement.

Well done baby!

Met a good old friend

AN craved for pumpkin seeds so we went to get some at an hour that we wouldn't usually shop at.

Was glad we did! Coz we bumped into 5U and William!

Omg! We've not met since 2008. That's 5 years.

The last time we arranged to meet at their place, either one of the kids fell sick (I think AN started throwing up and had fever the day before our date).

Must arrange again. That short chat at NTUC was not enough. Lol!

Contrasting

2 types of fried rice in a pot.

See which the people in my smallville prefer. Hehe.

P.s: the rice is too sticky but I thought it's actually quite tasty. Keke.