Anger is a good friend now. I get angry with AN refuses to obey, I get angry when she continues to do what we told her to NOT to, I get angry with certain things she does, I get angry when she's distracted during short 'study' sessions. I get angry, a lot. And I get angry with AN so many times a day.
She played so hard yesterday that she peed in her pants at Sentosa yesterday. She didn't want to go to the toilet even though Mercia suggested bringing her there. She was afraid Hannah would find them because they were playing hide and seek.
The girls were sweet and assured me that she didn't do it on purpose. But I was angry because, refusing to be brought to the toilet was a choice and her wetting herself was done on purpose!
I don't know why but her wetting herself made me feel like a total failure. And even though she didn't mean it, I felt like she did it to spite me, for some reasons.
The anger got so bad I felt...different. I felt like a different person. I feel consumed, by something. I could feel myself turning into someone scary but it's like something is taking control of me, my feelings, my words.
Lately, patience was thinner than ever.
I give an insrtuction or a warning, once. She disobeys, or strike a bargain. Me give another warning, not because I am waiting for her to obey (I wasn't ready for her to behave). On the contrary, the second time I repeat, I could feel myself boiling inside and waiting for her to disobey a second time. She does it. Me repeat a third time, this time very loudly. She panics but doesn't obey. I boil over.
Many times, I feel like striking her. I feel like spanking her till I feel good. This is how evil I have become. BUT at the very least, before I turn into a full fledge monster, I can still ignore her and walk away from her refusal to obey.
I don't know for how long more am I able to hold up and refuse to spank her unreasonably.
She went ahead to pee standing up just a while ago when I was showering her because she felt the pee coming and couldn't control her bladder again. 2nd time in 2 days.
This was an instant switch to the anger in me again.
I couldn't control my limbs. I was rough with her and she could feel it.
What is wrong with me?
I just did a search online and saw that it's nothing medically wrong with a 4 year old wetting her pants and it happens mostly because the child was too busy playing to want to go to the toilet.
What was I so angry about? If it was medical, then she shouldn't be blamed because she peed in her pants because she couldn't help it but if it was not medical, it was because she was distracted. Ok, maybe because I have friends with girls AN's age who are totally off diapers by now and it's shameful for AN as much as it is for me to see this still happening. Then, was I angry because AN embarrassed me?
Then I am a very selfish mother.
What was my intention? Why was I angry? Because she was disobedient? If my anger was brought about by her disobedience, it's justifiable (not my actions as a result of my anger. I will have to deal with that separately). If I was angry at her due to my own selfish reasons, it is NOT acceptable.
At this moment, I feel better. The anger is leaving. I feel it going away. I'm very sure my reaction towards her peeing in her pants both times was because of my own selfishness. For that, it's easier to let go.
As for my lack of self control when I get angry, please pray for me,
PLEASE PRAY FOR ME!
I can't control myself. I feel breathless whenever anger takes control and I get this throbbing thing in my head. I feel physical strength building up within me and I can not allow myself to touch my girl, else she ends up hurt in some ways. I'm trying very very very hard to not spank her when I feel this happening but she still gets hurt in some ways (I end up pushing her away...or seomthing),
Typing this scares me. What am I becoming? What is wrong with me???? I'm a danger to my kids!!! Please keep me in prayers..what is happening?
The headache is back again
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